Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

God I'm lonely.

I've been suspecting for a while that the whole idea of a relationship between myself and Darkside would just not work. It's taken a while to sink in, though. I think it finally did today.

My online romance with one of my Davids seems to be fairly well ... yeah. Going nowhere fast. He's got irl interests ... I've got irl interests... we're never online at the same time. We'll always be friends, I know that ... but the spark seems to have faded.

I haven't seen Darkside in three weeks. I'm as certain now that we won't be getting together as I was certain that he had to date my sister... and we know how that turned out.

I don't know why I know this. Don't ask me. I'd either evade, cite some completely silly and irrelevant details, or lie.

He's my friend. That fact remains. I love him. That also remains. Gods know what he thinks of me. We'll see. But if I go chasing after him, I'll invite doom upon us both. I'll mangle my own heart, and his, by trying to get things going too soon. He'll break my heart, and his, either by dating me or not dating me. It's too soon to even think about this.

By the time he's recovered from his drastic dumping, there'll most likely be another girl in line ahead of me, who's wormed her way into his affections and gotten to reap the results of the hard work Sis and I put into socializing the guy. And I'll smile, and I'll say happy things to them, since it's always nice to see a friend happy...

...and I'll find a corner and cry my heart out, since it would have been nice for us to be together romantically.

Darkside is close enough to me that sometimes we touch each other's minds without really meaning to. He's been brushing against mine lately.

And where does the artist fit into all this?

I'm looking at the puzzle pieces, but the clocks have all melted in this Arizona sun. Time has warped, bubbled, slurred so that one minute does not necessarily follow the next.

I love you, Darkside. We'll see how it goes.

Minute by minute, we waltz back and forth, parry and thrust, parry, parry, parry, riposte...
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