May 21st, 2001

running, bomb tech

Date...heh

Date went OK. Just me and Alan. Went and saw Shrek. Enjoyed it. Not too much in the way of sparkage, and we both noticed it. This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship though.

Wonder what would have happened between me and Alan if I'd let go.
running, bomb tech

X-Files

Watched the second half-hour of the last episode -- my best friend inspired me. Wonderful best friend.

I was waiting for that bit at the very end for a long long time. Ever since Fight the Future, in fact. That bit on my Fight The Future tape is so worn out. It's the closest I've got to porn on video. Which really tells you something.

Anyway.

Yeah.

Nice ending.

Bad reception on my TV though.
running, bomb tech

Love

For the longest time I've tried to stick to loving one person and one person only. Is that really the way I want to go?

I just fall in love at the drop of a feather, and if I fall hard, it generally lasts for a long time. Never usually for more than five years, but I do generally still like the people I've loved in the past forever.

I used to believe in one man, one woman, together forever. I was capable of incredible amounts of focus. This was my one true love, by gods, and I was going to keep him.

I change too much to do that anymore. I still think I'm going to love forever, but who is this I who is doing the loving? I have concrete written proof that my personality isn't the same as it was even three months ago -- my writing style may have maintained some similarity, but I've just gone through drastic personal change.

Yet I still care about the people I cared about the most deeply while I was still the person who met them.

I don't know. I live, I love. I stop loving, I die. Damn near had concrete proof of that one too.
running, bomb tech

Date, continued.

Yeah. Well. Date.

This was perhaps the second official event in my life that could really be called a date.

Sure, I went to movies with my friends in high school occasionally, but never alone, never in a potentially romantic situation.

My first date was a bit of a disaster. I mainly went on it in order to irritate the holy hell out of my "best friend" (with benefits), but that sort of backfired when the two guys became instant best friends. I struck up a conversation with the guy for his taste in books, and it turned out we had the same favorite author. We went to see a movie, not the movie I wanted to see, but decent. The date actually wasn't such of a disaster. The disaster came when the guy I had gone on the date with developed an unfortunate attachment to me, and finally had to be told that he did have a chance of getting me to fall for him, but the chance was approximately as much as the chance of a giant squid emerging intact from the faucet of his bathroom sink: close to zero.

I got engaged between then and now, but my fiance and I never really did go on any dates, though there was the one time that I suppose could have been construed as a double-date, though we weren't romantically involved then...

This date was really actually very good. Nice guy, friend of my sister's, good movie, good conversation, and Mountain Dew.

What more do you need?

No chemistry, no goodnight kiss, no hand-holding ... very little eye contact, even, because in person I am shy as hell.

It was a good date, though.

I don't see it developing into anything serious romantically, because I've got enough in that department already, but I do see the beginning, as is the cliche, of a beautiful friendship.
running, bomb tech

contacts

More interesting people at work. Sat down at a table next to the girl I'd talked to last Sunday at work, the one who's interesting, "one of us," and just sat there. We grinned at each other and just kept on reading. Then another lady, an older one, asked where I'd gotten that book, "that book" being the Kraig volume with the blue cover. I told her. Huh. Interesting.

We are everywhere.
running, bomb tech

babysitter!!

Blargh.

Well, we've got a babysitter for this week, and this week only. I'm making the most of it while I have the time. I really ought to call in today and sleep, but I can't. We need me to work all the time I can.

I really hope the new job concept pulls through....I can do *that* at least. With my current job, I have to call up complete strangers who don't want to talk with me at all, usually. I don't like that.

But I did last more than two weeks, which was what sis and the One True Gentleman predicted for me.
running, bomb tech

Dating

I am never dating a mundane again. That settles it.

I went out on the date with Alan, and we were able to have *conversation.* Science fiction, magic, you name it, we talked about it. I love that.

I'm never dating a mundane again.

Of course, when I mentioned this to the One True Gentleman, I could hear him thinking that he was mundane. He's not. He's so not. He may not have the experience, but experience comes from practice, so all he needs to do is practice. I know his potential; I know his abilities; I know what he does now and ....

.... he may not be famous or tossing around the equivalent of ten-ton anvils, but he's my friend, and honestly, he links with me better than anyone else I've ever worked with, and our hands fit together well, and I laugh at his jokes, and he groans at my puns.

Is there anything better than that? If so, I haven't seen it.
running, bomb tech

remote control

Constructed a little remote-control thingy for the mouth of Shrimpy. I think I'll give it to him, with the instruction that now he can control his own mouth. I think it'll help, and he needs it almost as much as I do.

I've just taken to babbling online.
running, bomb tech

sleep

I called in anyway. I need to get my sociology project done. I'm downloading video clips, trailers for the movie Hackers, right now.

Hackers the movie versus hackers the people, the ones that I grew up with, the old school hackers -- that would be my little research topic.
running, bomb tech

reprioritizing

Right now school and my best friend are coming before work.

I *must* get my sociology project done.
I need to work.
I *must* be at school early in order to see my best friend and give him the affection, human interatction, attention, and friendship that he needs.

Of the three, I can only do two if I am to get enough sleep, which I have been severely lacking of late.

My friend and Sociology are the priorities.

Therefore, I don't work today. Since I'm working the rest of the week, everything should be OK, since I think I'll be able to squeeze in some overtime, especially if my sister gets Sunday completely off, or completely babysat.
running, bomb tech

reprioritizing

Right now school and my best friend are coming before work.

I *must* get my sociology project done.
I need to work.
I *must* be at school early in order to see my best friend and give him the affection, human interatction, attention, and friendship that he needs.

Of the three, I can only do two if I am to get enough sleep, which I have been severely lacking of late.

My friend and Sociology are the priorities.

Therefore, I don't work today. Since I'm working the rest of the week, everything should be OK, since I think I'll be able to squeeze in some overtime, especially if my sister gets Sunday completely off, or completely babysat.

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running, bomb tech

online ramblings

Every now and then I pull up some weird site that makes my sis say "Huh? Woah. That's funny," and then she's lost for a while. She doesn't know where I get them from.

Neither really do I. They just appear, and I keep the best ones, sort of like my friend Josh the Gorgeous does.

Anyway.

I'm going to leave these bad boys downloading, and I am going to go and crash on the couch. Wonder if I can set it up to make a really loud noise if it goes offline on me?
running, bomb tech

useful use of morning

Spent quite a bit of this morning reading some of my friend the gentleman's manga. He brought it to school with him. We sat together in the cafeteria with me giggling and him looking over my shoulder to make sure I was appreciating it right.

I've gotten awfully quiet around him of late. It's not that I can't tell him things ... it's that I need to listen to him more, and he can get me started talking way too much.

It's not his time to hear the things that matter the very most deeply to me. He's up there in the top three, the other two being my sister and my nephew. Any serious discussion I get into these days brings up him.

I care. I worry.

I have to get some sleep.
running, bomb tech

(no subject)

the other things I care most about I can and should talk about to him, but they're so tied up in the other stuff... I've been experiencing things lately that are for me only, not to be shared with anyone, and I have such a difficult time not talking to him....

...If I start telling him something, unless I am oath-sworn to never reveal it, I will tell it to him, whether it's difficult for me to say or not. I've told him some things that I could never imagine myself telling anyone. I can't keep something from him that I have no reason not to tell him but my own emotional ones.

Whether he needs to hear it or not is another issue.

Until I can sort out what he needs to hear from me right now and what would make him feel a thousand times worse, I need to keep my mouth shut. As heartfelt as "I love you," would be, that would make him feel like hell, and would be interpreted wrong anyway.

He's my friend. My life. My heart. My breath. I have other friends, and my heart beats fine without him near, and I breathe, and I live, but if he were to vanish from my life now, if he were to be gone from my mind completely, I would spend months feeling low. I wouldn't die unless I willed it, and I could recover, but no one could replace him.

I do not have to touch him. I do not have to have him return the feeling in any way. I know we're friends. I know when I look at him and he looks at me, that our friendship is all I'll ever need from him. I know that both of us would fight tooth and claw to keep our friendship.

Thank the gods for my best friend.
running, bomb tech

sleep...

well, got that phone call I was waiting for, right in the middle of my nap.

Still too chicken to call the place, though. I'll wait for my sister to get home.

....*sigh*

I hope this all works out OK.
running, bomb tech

sociology

Dammit, and the way the computer's acting up is NOT FUCKING HELPING.
running, bomb tech

hackers

Thank the gods for Bruce Sterling.

And Wired.

This is cool.