November 3rd, 2001

running, bomb tech

Quitter

...what's the point in running after Darkside any more?

Think about it. I spent four years running after Shawn, and what did that get me? Four years of a good friendship, but I could have had that without breaking my heart over him. Four years of always knowing who I loved, I suppose. Four years of lost chances with other, more interesting people. River didn't make a move on me because of Shawn.

...I wasted four years on Shawn, and then I nearly died.

Do I want to do that with Darkside?

I almost lost a good friendship with Shawn. I did lose my virginity. (I hate that phrase -- it implies that virginity is a valued possession, when in fact I was only too eager to give it away. I hope it does Shawn more good than it did me.)

I intend to keep my friendship with Darkside forever. Shawn and I don't speak much these days. His daughter is a bright kid, I hear.

Darkside would never allow that I do unethical magic on him like I did to Shawn. That's the reason I slept with Shawn. It was my Will, and it was done -- and it was not Shawn's Will originally. I paid for it. He paid for it. We both suffered. I will not do that again. I could not do that to Darkside.

I've spent a year, almost, with a fondness for Darkside. I will have met him a year ago in a few weeks. I met him at school, a little while after it started, through Votania. She invited me to come and eat breakfast at school with this other friend of hers .... he looked awfully much like someone I knew from Fairbanks. I developed an instant crush on him, the sort I often get on attractive people who are to end up being my friends. I suffered through it, having a fiance, and soon enough it did fade. Thanks to Shrimpy, though, it came back when I was most susceptible, and I fell hard.

I think I can let it go now, now that I've grown some more, learned a few more things about myself and my Will and how not to fuck up. Yes, loving Darkside was worth the year, but no more. My friendship with Darkside is worth -- a lifetime. I choose the lifetime. I choose our friendship. I choose truth. I choose beauty. I choose happiness. I choose happiness, the greatest happiness, true happiness, for myself, and for Darkside as well. I choose our friendship above all.

Adam doesn't think of me as a quitter -- he sees me as the sort of person who will hang onto a dream so long as there's a scrap of hope left, and perhaps beyond. Maybe so, but -- if there is that scrap of hope -- I'm not going to kill it by chasing it. I asked the coinflip, and -- no, Darkside does not love me, nor does he trust me -- but there is potential that he could, someday, trust me, and I could, someday, trust him.

At some point, trust became more important than love. It must have been with Shawn again -- Darkside echoes back to Shawn far, far more than I'd like to think. Shawn and I never trusted each other, but acted as if we did -- almost. The little things gave us away, though. ...Darkside and I might trust each other, someday.

That's the hope I choose to cherish. I'd rather have trust than love, for trust can grow without love, but love could never grow without trust. I'll start with the building blocks.

Blessed be, Darkside, on whatever road you choose. Your old friend Joanie will always be just a mind's reach away.
running, bomb tech

I should be asleep by now.

I took the herbs and stuff that Votania left for me at nine. It is now nearly two in the morning. I should have been out like a light before ten. It is now four hours past that.

When she came in, she was shocked that I was still awake.

I took the herbs. I drank the tea. I used the anointing oil, not neglecting the most euphemised chakra.

I'm still awake.

(yawning now though.)

Guess I had to wait up until she got in. She and Alan had quite the night on the town. They were buzzing and excited when they got in; I got to hear all about it. Man, the things I miss out on....!
running, bomb tech

(no subject)

finally awake.

will go to work soon.

gave my heart to Raven. Told Votania to write that down last night when I was half asleep. He was playing in the wind with it.... it had streamers, pretty, a shiny for Him to enjoy. I trust that He will leave it in the right hand, or hands... when the time is right.
running, bomb tech

...from the vision of last night....

There were the spring winds, warm and damp, and Raven rolled in the air, laughing, as the streamers from the heart he held in his beak -- my heart -- floated and twisted in the wind. My hair fanned out and whipped around, curling and tangling. Incense smoke braided with my hair, the streamers, and the wild wind.