December 6th, 2001

running, bomb tech

Head of the Class (uncircumcised)

Got the results back from the Accounting test. Out of 50 points possible, the highest grade in the class was 49. My grade was 48. Not bad, especially considering that the teacher curves: he sets the most points possible at the highest grade in class. Yay for Van Zwol!
running, bomb tech

Dating

Ate lunch with Elijah, one of Adam's friends. Nice guy. Bald head, completely shaved/missing hair. We chatted, and he gave me the rest of his lunch. I'd been looking around for Adam, but he hadn't been anywhere in sight.

We finally did find Adam, and Elijah mentioned that he'd shared the rest of his lunch with me.

"Oh, you fed my girl?" Adam asked.

Immediate conversation-starter. Elijah started picking on me for being a possession now, "Adam's girl."

Talked with Elijah a bit after that. Apparently Adam has said a few things regarding dating to Elijah, but Elijah said he'd probably better not share them, since he didn't know if it would be OK to. He suggested that I tell Adam how I feel.

How do I feel?

Well, I didn't want to date Adam, originally, because of Darkside, and I wanted to have a chance to date Darkside if he was interested after the six months. This is no longer a reason. I am free to date whomever I please.

Adam was recently broken up with, heart stomped on and fed to the fishes, all the usual line of breakup evil nasty mean things. I have the idea that he still likes her and might want to get back together with her.

I don't want to stop him from having any relationship he wants to have. He was right, I do risk getting my heart trampled on this way, but at least I'm not risking as much as I was before. I gave my heart to Raven.

I do believe, very strongly, in polyamory. I don't want to be tied down to just one person, not even as informally as dating. That's not to say I won't date. That's just saying that if I'm dating someone, I would become very claustrophobic in the relationship if they were not polyamorous.

I am fairly certain that Adam is at least friendly toward the idea of polyamory. That is not a barrier.

I do not know if Adam is or not interested in dating me. If he were interested, and asked me to date him, I would most likely accept in a heartbeat.

If he is not interested in dating me, I wouldn't push him to. How precious is he to me that I would not push lest I risk losing him?

Religion is definitely a barrier. I am random eclectic somewhat-Wiccan. He is Christian in that he follows the teachings of Christ. I haven't even cracked the bloody book. I'm sure that there's a lot in there that I would agree with, but there is also a lot that I would disagree with. The last time I went to a church, I wound up agreeing with about 70% of the main points of their faith. The three largest points were the Christ-specific ones.

I believe that it is up to the individual to save themselves through discovering their own Divine Will and submitting themselves directly to the Higher Powers. Furthermore, given that everybody fucks up [for all have fallen short of the glory of god, as my ex put it] it is up to the individual to accept their own "sin" and put it as right as possible, and accept the universal judgment that accompanies the action. No "get out of hell free" card. [Hell is the absence of the presence of the divine. A rather silly concept, to one who sees the divine in everything.] Furthermore, in order to truly become one with divinity, one must take on the responsibilities, accepting the burden of other people's fuck-ups, cleaning up after them.

I suppose religion is my greatest bar to being comfortable with the idea of dating Adam (though if he asked, I would date him). It takes everything I've got to keep from running away every time the subject comes up. The last Christian I had intimate mental and physical contact with was Brian. It still hurts my mind and heart to think about Brian. Brian, and contact with him, fucked me over more thoroughly than contact with Darkside and angsting over him ever will.

Darkside fixes what he breaks, you see.

I'm nervous. Adam's nervous. I don't think I would ever want to marry him, though I might want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I just don't know.
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