December 27th, 2001

running, bomb tech

singer, sing me a given/ singer, sing me a song

Got some new furniture. Dumpster-diving is a noble hobby, especially when it's not diving at all, just wandering out to see what's been set in the "Well I can't use this but I bet someone else can" section of space in the dumpster area, but not in the dumpster, per se.

I have now a box-springy-thingy, and a mattress, and they fit the sheet that was too small for my futon. Adam's crashed out asleep on it right now. It's the official Guest Bed in my room, and it's exactly the same as his bed at his parents' house, and it even faces east-west, toes to the east, fuzzy red head to the west.
running, bomb tech

earlier...

I was hyper and started cleaning my room. teenagewitch and Adam didn't quite know what to do. They've never seen me in a cleaning frenzy before.

Usually, you're supposed to get out of my way.

and if you fucking try to "cheer me up"... well, a) I don't need cheering, I'm already happy as it is; b) you're liable to get cleaned too.
  • Current Music
    fan on lowest setting
running, bomb tech

Darkside

It's been hitting me hard ever since the 21st when Darkside saw Votania again. He saw her and the bottom dropped out of his world again.

It's been over eight months. Eight months, ten days. Eleven, if you consider that it's the 27th today, early in the morning.

Every time Darkside sees Votania, it's like they just broke up again. The wound is still fresh. He's bleeding inside, and he tries to ignore it. It's when he sees her again that he realizes just how much it's supposed to hurt, just how much he needs her. He's dying by inches, emotionally, and he knows it, and he can't see how to stop it.

I can't kiss it and make it better. The one time I kissed him, I made it ever so much worse. I can't try anymore. I don't want to finally kill him.

He'd never die of his own accord, of course. He's too smart for that, too strong, too stubborn. If he keeps bleeding energy like that, feeling the misery, he's going to wind up hurt, crippled, insane.

There's nothing I can do to stop him.

It's like listening to Shawn kill himself over the phone, knowing that if I were there, I could haul his ass to the hospital, get the professionals to help.

I didn't know that that's what I was feeling Friday morning, of course. I just was suddenly overwhelmed by a sadness, an upsetness, a "things are not right with the world-ness". I had to put my face down and hold my head with my hands for long, long moments. I didn't know where it was coming from, why it was coming, I just knew that something was dreadfully wrong, and beyond my power to fix. The sun had gone out.

I didn't know I was still able to feel him that strongly. I guess that the level of link we've got never dies, doesn't go away ... just only shows up at certain moments like that.

I was incapacitated. His emotions overwhelmed me. It's not supposed to do that. I'm supposed to be able to handle anything that doesn't originate directly from me. I'm supposed to be strong and capable and deal out hugs.

It just felt like my own emotions, turned on me for no reason at all, weeping about something not in my power to change.

I eat breakfast with him every morning, and I smile at his jokes, because they make me laugh. I'm there as a friend.



I guess that's all I can be.


does he know that his not loving me feels as horrid as Votania's not loving him? does he even care?
running, bomb tech

Goofing off

Today seems like a good day for sitting around in my room completely naked, reading computer-related comics online.