December 31st, 2001

running, bomb tech

Annual Recapitulation

The last day of the old year, and it's time to do that same thing which I do every year on paper: write an excruciatingly long entry detailing the major events of the past year and their impact on my life.

It's been a year of change, it has: I would say that my situation in the past year has done a near-complete reversal in many areas.

As Sithkitten and Rena noticed last year, this year could have been called "the year of the Almost." BJ and I almost had sex on new year's eve, to ring in the new year... we didn't. Almost, though. It was a rather lousy and painful start to what started out as a lousy and painful year.

First up on the almost: I almost got married. I didn't wait to get to the altar before deciding to not sacrifice myself, though -- I said farewell to my erstwhile fiance in mid-January, though actually getting away from him took until March. (March? Really? Wow. Are you sure? Yes. It was March. I've only been in Arizona for a year.)

I fell in love. There was no almost about that one. I fell for Darkside before I told BJ that he could take a hike, and that I'd be taking the bus. In fact, Darkside was the primary reason I told BJ to take a hike, but after using Darkside as an excuse, I found so many other, better, reasons to tell BJ to get lost and to not get found again. It's been, what, a year? more? since I fell in love, and I have yet to see where that's leading me. teenagewitch says that Darkside loves me too, and that he's nuts about me, and he's only using his former relationship with Votania to hide behind, but I have yet to see solid proof on that front, only nebulous rumors of him having to "adjust himself" in my presence, and the warmth in his voice when we speak.

I was almost a bachelor. I moved in to the huge empty apartment with ... was his name Ed? ... in March, and I moved out in mid-April to be with Votania, whose car was breaking down bit by bit. I was only camped in that apartment, and used one of my big teal/turquoise plastic storage boxes as a makeshift altar until I moved out. I slept on a sheet on the floor, no mattress. I camped in the kitchen, with one cupboard as mine, and not much in the refrigerator. I barely used the living room at all. I know I exchanged fewer words with Ed than are in this post up to this point, in all the time we lived in the same apartment. Ed's brother (name forgotten) was more talkative.

I've been on the edge of several important discoveries about myself all this long time. One of the journals in which I recorded these has been lost; this is the primary reason I wound up with an online journal in the first place. I've almost gotten to know myself.

I almost flunked out of college. One of these past semesters, last semester in fact, was an abysmal one for me. I got two F's, critical to my academic career. In other news, though, having to repeat those classes did bring me back to a standard schedule, not a special one, and I won't have to take the class that was cancelled/condensed like the rest of my class group will. (One of the classes that I failed, accounting, was removed, and so was another accounting class later on, and the two classes were combined into the one that I'm taking now.) Overall that was a good thing, sort of.

I almost have a clue about programming now. I can read great big thick heavy books (like the Knight Book, which I carry around in my backpack for light reading at lunch at work, having forsaken all lesser books; this thing's about the size of the Golden Dawn manual that Votania calls War and Peace) for fun, and I almost comprehend bits of it. They tell me that this is a Good Sign.

I almost have a boyfriend. Adam, currently asleep in my bed, is one of the sweeter guys in the universe. I've cut out saying "I love you" to him, though, since I've been doing some major self-discovery, ever since Sabrina told me that I was crying in the night until I could find Darkside. Adam is not the person that I really, really-really, love. I love Adam like a ... well, I'm tempted to say, "like a brother", but that brings up the whole Sexual-Type Relations issue, and since Adam and I do share orgasms on a regular basis, having him as a technical brother would not be a Good Thing.

I've almost come to some important Craft realizations as well. I'm beginning to recognize my own specific talents. When Votania says to Alan, "She's more psychic than both of us put together," I start realizing how big a compliment of my skills this is. Last night I was indicated as "She who is most psychic" to go around looking for leaks in the house's warding. I can also find people's spiritual selves, if I have their tag... I did not know that not everyone can do this.

Where was I a year ago? I was generally confused. I was apt to have bad PMS (or just plain bad moods) and throw rather juvenile tantrums about the stupidest shit on regular occasions. I still do that, but it's far reduced, and is merely a few snapped words and then some sulking until I feel better.

I know who I love now.

I know I am intended to be a computer programmer for my day job.

I know that I am capable of taking care of children for extended lengths of time. I wasn't sure before. But I can do it; now I know this.
running, bomb tech

Back...

I seem to have come back on-list, though still in lurker-mode, with the official Lois McMaster Bujold fan list (archives available at http://www.dendarii.com). That was a significant part of my growing up, it was, both the books, and the list.

I abandoned it for more than a year when I got with BJ. Mistake.

I'm back, though, now, which is a good thing. Lots of nice smart people there.
running, bomb tech

More Darkside

Talked on the phone with Darkside for an hour and a half. Much fun. If I'd called last night when I needed to, he would have been awake.

It's so nice to spend time on the phone with him.

This time, he called me. I called his house first, hoping he'd be home. He wasn't. He called back when he got home, and asked to talk to me... I think. I'll have to check with Votania on that.

We only got off the phone when it was time for him to go sleep.

Sabrina started doing the whole Spanish Inquisition thing, so I locked myself in the bathroom with the cordless.

It's so nice to hear his voice.
running, bomb tech

(no subject)


What Video Game Character Are You? I am a Thrust-ship.I am a Thrust-ship.


I am small and tricky - where you think I am, I probably am not. I can work very fast, but I tend to go about things in a round about way, which often leaves me effectively standing still. I hate rocks. Bloody rocks. What Video Game Character Are You?