September 9th, 2002

running, bomb tech


Yes, he could possibly be more frustrated with me if I died. Probably not by much.

When my enthusiasm over something leads me to repeatedly and noisily hug him in lab, he will flare up and punch me.
running, bomb tech

(no subject)

Meanwhile, I have labs for database to get done. We have a test today.
running, bomb tech

(no subject)

He came back. Said he thought I'd want to be alone for a while. Glad he came back.
running, bomb tech

(no subject)

Feeling much better. Must remember to tone down enthusiasm and punch him in arm or something instead of hugging, and especially instead of kissing, especially when he's already grouched twice about the hugging.
running, bomb tech

(no subject)

We seem to be communicating. It's in my nature to be huggy, he says; it's in his nature to be grouchy about being hugged.

Me kissing him, on the other hand, even on the cheek when enthusiastic about a bit of SQL working right, is apt to make him react violently. His main objective was to get me to stop and get me to sit back down, and not to hurt me (this upon my surprise that he hadn't punched harder). Ordinarily, if in a situation where I kissed him in a calm and normal-speed fashion, he would probably have ducked and told me "No", I'm guessing. However, having an overenthusiastic Lunatic flying at him and giving him a too-fast-to-dodge hug-and-kiss not only grouched him, but surprised him.

Hugging, he says, is OK, sort of. He says it's OK, barely, but the way he says it means it's not, quite, but he can stand it, because it's the way I am. Kissing is right out.
Azzcalm, Quiet

Troubleshooting (copy/paste of comment)

After thinking about it, and talking it over with him, I think that somewhere in my brain, there's something that just refuses to accept the idea that he doesn't like hugs from friends. I'm good about not touching when I'm wide awake and in full control of myself, and can slow down my thought processes to the point where the checkpoint "Wait: Darkside doesn't do the hug thing, that weirdo" will actually have time to make an impact on my actions, and instead of hugging him, I can make a face at him, or slug him gently in the arm, or do something else other than hugging him.

I've noticed that times I tend to get more huggy are moments when I am more inclined to react or act without thinking: when getting a particularly buggy bit of program to work, for example. Instead grinning, turning to him, and saying, "Thanks for your help", the sped-up version that barges past the internal censors is hug-and-kiss. Or when particularly tired, I'll tend to make more physical contact.

It could well be attention. I'd hope that it wouldn't be, but it might. I'll see if trying to implement extra safeguards against impulsive physical contact with him will do the trick.

When acting naturally with a close friend who I'm physically comfortable with, I'm usually all over them. Touch face, pet hair, give hug, slug arm, tickle, mime knee to groin, occasionally kiss to cheek for moments of extreme fondness or excitement. As Darkside and I are constantly sparring (playing Mercy, bonking over head, slug arm, punch stomach, kick ass, nerve pinch), I suppose I do classify him among people I'm physically comfortable with. Unfortunately, I wrote it as a subset of my normal physically-comfortable friendships, when actually it should be written as an overlapping-in-places but unrelated class.

Hmm. False perception of inheritance. Hmm.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
running, bomb tech

Yummy things:

Nephew likes cappucino-style hot chocolate. When Votania made some cappucino for us yesterday, and Nephew was feeling left out, I snagged another cup, steamed some milk for him, and added chocolate powder. Nephew likes cappucino hot chocolate.
wild rose

Regarding the sexuality/intellect question:

The question stemmed from a conversation I was having with a friend regarding intellectual development and sexual development, where I had been an early bloomer, and he, late. We're both quite smart, and I was wondering what, if any, interesting effects involving the interlink of sexuality and intelligence that are created by early sexual awareness or late sexual awareness.

I have a difficult time staying attracted to someone who does not engage my intellect. Pornography that does not engage my intellect in some way is boooooring and soon fails to arouse me at all. This could be either active or passive engaging of intellect, by the way: it could be a very simple something, arousing my imagination, which then does the rest of the work, or it could be an active storyline with intriguing characters that pulls me in and works on me, with me.

I also have a habit of getting into a state just this side of arousal when working on a particularly complex problem that delights me. "I just finished my program! Let's fuck!" is a rather simplistic way of putting it, but I do find that any state of high excitement is far more likely to arouse me than a state of low excitement, and intellectual excitement counts very high.

I am wondering if there are people for whom intellectual stimulation is a physical turn-off, and if so, what is their relative intelligence, and how is their intelligence tied into their sexuality?

For those moments when non-sexual intellectual stimulation interferes with my sex life, I view it as overriding the sexual, rather than surpressing it. There are certain moments when my sexual awareness overrides my brain's processing of any academic matters.

I find that the best time for sex is following an intellectual climax, a completion of some academic-type work, and the best time for academic-type work for me is following sex, with my brain refreshed and all ready to work.

If I had not developed my academic skills in step with my awareness of my own sexuality, would my sex life and my programming/writing skills be so well in step with each other? I doubt it.

My social skills developed late. They're still not very well integrated with either my academic self or my sexual self.

I reach a certain level of intuition, of trance, with both matters sexual and academic. Interrupting me in the middle of programming or writing will get approximately the same frustrated hostility that interrupting me in the middle of sex will. I have a very similar place where the mind goes consciously blank, and the body continues doing what it's doing in both cases: sometimes I wake up from writing or programming trance to find that I've just done something excellently well, and I have no real idea of how I've accomplished it, in the same way that I may blink several times after a prolonged session of very pleasurable sex with no real conception of how, exactly, physical motions combined to do whatever it was that was done, but my, did that feel good!

Hopefully this'll be a better starting point for discussion than the entry a few days ago was. I tend to do most of my thinking internally, and must be prodded to expand on what I've said, and get some of the thought processes that spurred my conclusion out there for everyone else to share.

As iroshi has to put it, "Unpack, Azz!"
  • Current Mood
    horny horny
running, bomb tech

The nose knows.

Upon walking into school Saturday to go to Anime Club, I was immediately struck with the impression that Darkside was in the building. Why? The scent of his work uniform struck me ever-so-subtly in the nose upon entry.

Of course, his car wasn't in the visible part of the parking lot, and he wasn't in any of the labs or the cafeteria, so I brushed it off as One of Those Things.

Today, I learned that he, in fact, had been in the building on Saturday morning, and had likely left just before I'd gotten there.

My instincts, and my perception of my senses, are getting a lot better. Take note, boojum, this is how it starts to work.
lonely, spock

DB, emotions

I was, of course, crying my eyes out while working on my database labs after Darkside got his stuff together and left the computer lab, because I had intended to spend all morning working on them, and wasn't about to let a little thing like my best friend being in all probability furious with me interfere with that. I couldn't stop crying, of course, but I did work steadily away on my SQL while the tears dripped out.

When Darkside came back, I cheered up measurably. Need, eventually, to chat with him on the concept of needed space as perceived by introverts and extroverts: to figure out how I need to react when he's upset, and to let him know what would be most efficient at comforting me when I'm upset. It's not like I should expect him to read my mind, after all.

Darkside went to class at ten. I walked with him, still nervous and potentially tearful and quiet. Spent some happy time with him, quietly, and managed to surprise him by cracking a bad joke referencing 80's music. I announced my intention to, rather than hitting the books for the test, to chill out so I'd be in a state of mind where the test would not make me just plain freak. I took a few minutes out for myself, then hit the computer again next to the other guys in the lab preparing for the test, working on the labs again.

I had some trouble with some of the lab questions, and asked for help. Unfortunately, I wasn't in any sort of shape to be listening to anyone who doesn't know me, and at several points, just having them stand next to me and hold forth trying to explain something was enough to make me duck, cover my ears, and struggle not to cry. I felt like I had tissue paper for skin, so the very pressure of their voices was causing me pain.

Eventually I did get to take the test, and was able to find enough queries to write to give me the full hundred points, all, or almost all, of them easy for me to accomplish.

I intend to write the labs I didn't get the chance at anyway, and see how well I do, just for my education rather than a grade.
lonely, spock

Boundaries & Too Much of the Self (copy/paste of comment)

I don't think it's so much destruct-testing as the slow unleashing of myself. The self I am around most people is very highly restrained. In destruct-testing, I would go deliberately looking for things that might or might not piss him off, and do them to see if they would.

This, and most of my other griefs with him, seem to be the result of those things getting out that we usually discuss, afterwards, in this fashion: "I'm sorry," I say. "For being human?" he asks. On the occasions when I continue with, "I'm still sorry," he insists that "We're all human. None of us are perfect," and continues with some bit of himself that he perceives that I'm none too thrilled with.

It's the "Do you love me when my clothes are off and the lights are on" procedure, I guess. We've all got those human, not-too-loveable traits, the things that we just keep doing that are a part of us: everybody's irritating little habits. Votania doesn't adhere to my particular order of putting stuff in the dishwasher; she just puts stuff in any old which way. (They still fit in there, and get washed; it's just a little thing that occasionally grumps me if I'm in a bad mood.) Adam forgot to put the seat down on the toilet. I will insist upon cleaning out my nose with Q-tips when blowing it is just not enough.

I do tend to destruct-test the "Hi, this is me!" procedure with brand-new friends. "Hi, I'm a bisexual Wiccan polyamorous sci-fi fan who has in the past had multiple personalities and may have them at the moment. Nice to meet you!" The people who will get scared and run away, I have just destruct-tested out of a friendship. Little by little over time, I show more of the bits of myself that always come out when I'm alone, and come out more or less depending on who else I'm around.

Most relationships that I have get the comfort level, the leashed-ness level, defined fairly early on. There's a standard set of myself that I use in a professional setting, for example, akin to the manners I'd use at a formal resturant, which occasionally do not make an exact match to the manners I'd use at a picnic. Slowly, the boundaries may either relax, or be tightened, but almost always, after a period of settling, they are defined at a general level, and there, unless something happens to disturb things, they stay.

Darkside and I are still slowly getting to know each other, and our boundaries have not yet reached their equilibrium point. Unfortunately, our boundaries have a tendancy to vary in some places, and physical contact is one of them. Some days I may not be huggy at all. Some days, I may be hugging all over the place. Some days, he may not mind. Some days he does mind; sometimes it varies (for either of us) by the minute. Sometimes we give each other advanced warning when our mood shifts; sometimes we don't. It's the times that we don't that we have trouble. When my personalities shift around, I have to learn a whole new set of my own responses, and how I'm likely to interact with him.

I'm going to try to start documenting who I am when I do things that piss him off, and what else has been going on then, to see if I can't get a better idea of how I do what I do, and from there to the why.

In most relationships, where there's an accidental one of those "too much of myself" moments, whether it be informational or otherwise, the incident is logged and rarely, if ever, repeated. Much of the time, with me, and very probably with him, we keep other people at a great enough distance so little oversteps of the boundaries are noted with very little personal impact, a *thunk* "Ok, don't do that again." With Darkside and me, we've gotten close enough so a small motion may wind up with someone's fingers sticking up someone else's nose, and a general confusion as to how, exactly, we got there.
running, bomb tech

Adults, relationships, stress.

My stress level over the general events involving those around me finally boiled over today, and I talked about stuff with Darkside, though I was uncertain as to the outcome.

Thankfully, he's not stupid.
pretty, Francine


By not gesturing, "You bitches can kiss my ass" at the boi who hollered for me to call Jenny Craig, I've proven myself at least a little more mature than him, right?

At least I've got the satisfaction of knowing that I'm cute, he's ugly, I'm happy, and he's miserable.
loud fayoumis

Morning, afternoon, evening.

Came in ten-fifteen minutes after six. Wearing blue striped tank top, blue broomstick skirt, my father's old black shirt. Darkside commented on the probable state of my laundry; I explained about LotR.

Ron stopped by and treated us to a twenty-minute discourse on baseball. Evidently the Diamondbacks coach needs to stop being his team's buddy, and start being their coach. I recalled Mr. Grassi, the fencing coach. Now he was a sadistic bastard. Great guy, as a guy. Sadistic bastard, as a coach. He really knew how to get the most out of us. His team was great fun.

Determined to get my database labs as done as possible. Started in; started zooming away. Much happiness. Got to a place where I'd gotten something tricky done; I gave Darkside a very unexpected hug'n'kiss. He reacted. I reacted back. He left. I continued work on my database, sobbing. He came back. I cheered up. He went to class. I took a breather, then kept working. I took my test. I probably did well. evealone showed up at several points; he showed up again after the test. Dogs of war and all, he still gave me hugs. I continued work on LJ until just half an hour before English class, at which point I decided that my topic for the research paper was going to be on how ADHD is overdiagnosed and overmedicated in children. I completely missed the IEEE speaker thanks to the test and my attitude afterward. Drat.

Ran into Dawn. She'd called at eleven last night, in quite the state. Evidently some funky things are going down with a friend of hers, and she, being the nice and wonderful woman that she is, is always there with a friendly voice and sympathetic ear. I seem to be her friendly voice and sympathetic ear. Pain shared is pain halved, especially when I'm far-enough removed from the situation to merely wince over something that's a horrid bunch of indelicate ruckus involving police and hospitalization and other delightful instances. (Yes, being vague. No, not giving more detail.)

English class was relatively boring. I crocheted on my black lace snood thing while participating more than the people who had actually read the article.

Made a slapdash bibliography using the SIRS database to search for nifty articles on ADHD and children. Came home. votania and Nephew had been out shopping; they came home after I did, and Nephew had gotten me flowers. Yellow carnations. They're in a vase on display now. Happy Auntie.

I still need to do my laundry. Dishes are in the process of being done.
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
running, bomb tech

(no subject)

The soda-can joke has become habitual. One of these days, a day when I'm wearing a black shirt and am not doing anything special, I do expect that Darkside will finally follow through on the threats and actually pour some down my cleavage. Today he talked about putting the wrapper from his granola bar down the front of my shirt. At least you don't have to retrieve soda from down the cleavage, you just have to mop it up.

Today I made interesting noises at Neighbor. Ron, who was there, looked curious. "You don't want to know," I told him.

This has become code for things happening between me and Darkside. DeVry's general policy on student relationships is "Don't ask, don't tell." Plausible deniablity, basically. If things between two students becomes a matter of suit, DeVry's teachers don't want anything to do with it, because if they heard about it when it was a functional relationship (if ever it was), they could wind up getting in some hot water. Or something. Ron was vague.

Unfortunately, it was the less cheerful, but more hopeful, kind of "you don't want to know". The fact that Darkside and I can have upsets, and cool down afterwards and still be close, is speaking well for our long-term viability as friends.