Thoughts on this past year:
That was a lot of stuff.
2002 has been an interesting year. I gained three new lovers, two of whom are no longer mine. I lost a friend. Whether that friend comes back into my life or not is still an interesting question, but not one I dwell on overmuch. LJ has been a strong presence in my life this year. Magic's been a key part of my life. I've been loved, extensively, and I love. I almost lost someone very dear to me. There has been drama, turmoil, pranking, silliness, and change. I've become more disillusioned with the way the world works in playing with each other. I've written. I've improved my writing. I've met someone
more up-and-down turbulent than I am, who's managed to survive darker, longer soul-nights, and has come out of it a strong Soul-Knight with dented, tarnished, yet shining armor, and have faith that I can do the same.
I've put down my blade for the moment, but rest assured, she lies close to hand, and while I've been slacking off at some things, I Know that there are other things that I've been honing to near-perfection, even though I would be hard-pressed to name them at present. I've had pen in hand, not sword, but that can be just as dangerous. I've been refining, redefining, love. I've been honing myself, my shell, my user interfaces, and I'm sure that someone looking at me from the outside will see differences that I am unaware of from the inside, and will remain unaware of until it comes time to in fact do something.
I've quit my soul-sucking job, and have been running dry, and am experiencing the interesting side of things there. Time. Money. The interesting things. School. Work. Play.
I'm just not sure what's going on inside my head. I am a powerful force for change. I just don't see what it is that I've been so drastically changing... but myself.
This journal, more than anything else, is a measurement by which I watch myself. Where have I been? What words do I use? How much time do I devote to myself, to others, to updating the journal, to dreaming, writing fiction, writing fact? What are my interests, enthusiasms? What books have I been reading?
It's perilous to define the selfness too closely, too narrowly. Exactitude can be deadly if not defined with wide enough parameters. Was Cherryh a kaos worker when she wrote the Manual? Field too wide can be either scary or delightful when it comes up in one's personality/ies. Stepwise variables. Ranges. Must look up what 'domain' means again as to the computer, and see how it fits me. Range is all the different possibliities in a category. Domain is that category itself.
I have new friends. I have become a Mentor, of sorts. An orientator. After having slipped gently out of a Circle in past years, one now forms before me, in a form convenient to the Age. Disparate members, interesting times.
What holds the next year? Immediately, I get to meet old friends, form new bonds. I get to see a wedding. Perhaps meet someone I must be careful to not pedestalize too bloody much. Reunite with my boyfriend. Explore whatever lies ahead with him; explore whatever lies ahead with Darkside. Neither of us wanted to let go, in that dream we had last night where he held me. We knew we had different paths to trace then, and we had to, but with the promise of reuniting after class was over. As we always have. Separating us still binds the bond...
I anticipate, in this next year, seeing what my year of the Fool has brought me, discovering interesting new aspects to myself and my life, and exploring them.