January 23rd, 2003

running, bomb tech

On the attractiveness of female geeks

When a geek guy is looking for a female companion of some sort, who the hell knows what is really going through his head? I sure don't, not being male. I am making some interesting educated guesses, though, and I'm guessing that one of the reasons that geek guys avoid most of your standard-issue females is because they don't relate well to each other.

There are some geek guys who actually do value content over packaging. Since the US fashion market is all about packaging, and the popular mainstream chicks are all about fashion, and they are the ones who are sought-after in high school because they are the coolest/prettiest, not only do the stereotypical less-socialized geek guys have less of a chance compared to the guys who focus on socializing (if not socialization in the psychological sense!), they may not really want what's out there, if that's the ideal version of feminine. [If that's the final release, I'll take the beta!!]

I began hanging with the geek guys when I was in high school, and the less-socialized of them tripped out. When I finally got one of them (the one who hadn't visibly developed the layer of social self-protectiveness that most of us get) to talk to me, he tripped out for a while on how excellently cool it was that I was actually talking to them: I'm was a girl! And I liked games! And anime!

I pointed out that I watched anime because the rest of them were watching it and because I was there (though I did like New Angel a lot), and that I didn't actually play the games, I just hung around while the games were being played because I was hanging around with the guys.

Yeah, my friend [River, in point of fact] pointed out: but I was still hanging around with them, wasn't I? I would hang around with them, and I wouldn't make them feel lousy for liking games and anime, and I wouldn't change the topic to things they found dull, and I would actually talk to them...

From this, I gather that geek guys want to actually talk and spend quality time with women, have someone they can relate to on a personal level, rather than having a 'trophy' girlfriend who won't talk about computers or games or anime or any of the interesting things.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
horny, Divine Oscillations

Pr0n and dolls

Unless it's porn with a plot, or even if, I see porn as an objectification of the characters. Not so much a bad thing as a different thing: much as dolls are an objectification of the idea of 'person'. Little girls get a doll -- maybe they pick it out themselves, maybe they don't -- and if they do pick it out themselves, it's a doll they like the looks of... and then the doll rarely, if ever, retains its off-the-shelf personality, if it had any to start with. Not unless the kid knows what the canon for the character is, and likes it enough to keep it.

When you get a doll, you start with a relatively blank disk, and then you fill it up with your own words and imagination. It's harder to do that, when the doll comes off the shelf with a pre-programmed persona.

Narcissa and I had several dolls. Some of them were baby dolls, some of them were Barbies, one was a blond little-girl doll that I named Mary; Narcissa had a toddler doll that she named Holly; we each had an American Girls doll (I had Molly; she had Samantha.) Out of all of them, I think we played with Molly and Samantha the least. They already had personalities, so unless we renamed them or stayed in canon, we couldn't do much with them. We made school supplies out of plastic clay for them, and had them go to school, but as far as I can recall, that was about it.

Holly and Mary and the babies, on the other hand... The babies got sick all the time. Holly was a good girl, but Mary was always getting in trouble. We made up stories where they did stuff, and we walked them around and had them use the doctor kit. They had all sorts of adventures, whatever we could think of. (Our experiences were not particularly broad, so they rarely, if ever, went adventuring in jungles or into outer space; mostly, they went to school and worked in the hospital, if they weren't in the hospital because they were sick.)

How does this relate at all to porn? It's about an object, the doll, becoming a vehicle for the imagination, the fantasies, of little girls, and acting these things out. Mary and Holly and the babies had no particular identifying characteristics getting in the way of us using them to do things we wanted to do, or would like to think about doing.

I used to read X-Files smut. It wasn't because it was particularly good fanfic (quality varied by writer, as with all fic), but because of the dynamic between the characters. I only sought out the Mulder/Scully pairing, because that was the pairing that reminded me most of the idealization of my current relationship.

My userpic shows that I look nothing like Gillian Anderson, and odds are, if one were to dig up a photo of good ol' Shawn, one would discover that his resemblance to David Duchovny begins at the height, briefly touches on the nose, and then generally suggests that both are male, both have two arms, two legs, and the standard set of human operating equipment. It did help that I found both actors physically attractive, but the key factor was the interpersonal dynamics between the partners.

I, too, had someone I worked most often with, someone reckless who I was attached to and responsible for the safety and well-being of. He was an obsessive nutcase, and had an incredible aptitude for getting himself into uncomfortable and awkward situations. No one we interacted with regularly was particularly fond of him; I was the one who got on well with others. He did have a few geeky friends, though, and some of the more outspoken among them thought I was hot. He was the one with the passion; I was the one who had advanced training on subjects he was unfamiliar with. He had a hard time showing his feelings for me. I was too inhibited to go all-out and tell him exactly what I thought.

Mulder and Scully. Or Shawn and 'Ni.

I put myself into Scully and put Shawn into Mulder, and let my imagination tag along with the writer's. Sometimes he wasn't Shawn, he was just my objective Ideal Man, who would go through hell and/or high water to make sure everything was all right for me, even though we would have to reach our intimacy by breaking down the barriers caused by long-term UST. I didn't need the visual: it was the partnership and the UST that I needed, the delicate-looking but surprisingly tough woman with the tall strong partner with the precariously-balanced sanity.

I have a mind that thinks in words, not pictures. I can only attach myself to pictures if there are strong words that go along with them. I must imagine that there are minds that don't follow words in the way that I have a hard time following pictures if their words aren't compelling enough.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
horny, Divine Oscillations

14, bi, and curious as hell

My friends discovered that I was bisexual in my freshman year of high school. I hadn't really given it much thought until then. I'd been on a husband-hunt since I was 5, so I, and everyone in my immediate vicinity, was aware that I liked guys.

I don't remember anyone ever explaining the concept of "lesbian" to me. I do remember, vaguely, that 'gay' had to be redefined in my head when I learned that the most common current usage was to mean guys that liked to hop on top of other guys, and not 'happy' like it meant in all the old books.

I do remember, because I wrote it down, the day I learned that one of my better friends, Savil, was a lesbian. (Those familiar with those particular bits of Lackey note that both the caustic wit and the magic are the reasons for her picking that name...) It surprised me some, but it didn't jar my image of her at all.

I never considered bisexuality when I thought of sexuality at all. Either you were 'like Savil', or you were straight. Heinlein heroines were smart, bisexual, and horny, but they were fictional. It wasn't something I considered for real people, I suppose.

My freshman year boyfriend-type-person[1] Bugs Potter[2] told me that he thought that I would be happier if I were bisexual. I rambled about it in my journal for a bit, having looked it up in the dictionary and determined that he meant "sexually attracted to both men and women", not "a species having two sexes". I commented that I would not have a problem if I in fact were attracted to both men and women, but I wasn't even sure if I were attracted to guys. That's what I wrote; I have reason to believe that my analytical function at the time was separate from my sexual function, because I distinctly recall my hormones switching on at the beginning of that year, and being so horny I couldn't stand it because of this one guy who was just gorgeous.

At any rate, I was convinced that I was straight because I liked guys. I recall thinking, once, that I would have been in love with Galadriel if I were 'like Savil', but, sadly, I liked guys too much to give up being in love with them.

One morning, on Beltane, as it happened, Bugs and I were planning to walk from the school annex to the main school building together. Now, when we did this, we walked on the trail through the woods, and we generally made out. But since we weren't a couple, we didn't want to be seen together, so one of us would go first, the other would catch up, we'd remain out of sight, and then leave seperately. This day, he was going first. I paused in the ladies' room, brushed hair and re-applied lipstick, and wandered out of the building.

I saw Bugs, already halfway across the football field, walking with the prettiest senior, the one in band that he'd had the crush on, the one who was dating Savil.

I was more amused than anything, because he was just a smooching buddy, and I had nothing to be jealous about. Envious, perhaps, that he was getting to converse with his Major Crush Object where mine thought I was an icky giiiiirl, and a little disappointed that the snogging session had been called off, but otherwise amused. I caught up to them and joined in the conversation. For the rest of the day, Bugs was terrified that I was going to kill him.

Bugs and I talked on the phone after school. I finally got him calmed down and accepting the fact that I was not mad at him; I would have done the same thing in his situation. In fact, had I had the exact same situation, with the gorgeous cool senior waiting for me to walk with her, I would have gladly ditched him.

"Isn't she hot, though!" Bugs enthused, finally chilled out and more certain of his continued existence. It must have been a dire shock to him when I said, "Yeah," in cheerful agreement.

Some fun-for-the-whole-family phone tag ensued after I hung up on his gibbering statements that I was a lesbian and had perhaps been getting it on with Savil this whole time and not telling him about it. He evidently called Savil, who calmed him down, and extracted the news from him; she called me, then he tried calling both of us...

Savil asked if I were bisexual. I hadn't the foggiest. She questioned me, and found out that yes, I would date a woman, kiss a woman, sleep with a woman. So?

So, I was bisexual. Big whoop-te-doo.

It was more of a theoretical thing at that point, as my hormones had never become engaged. Theoretically, Savil's girlfriend was hot, just as theoretically, some of the guys were hot. There were a few guys who were practically hot, but not too many.

At camp that summer, of course, I ran into the Lady E., and my hormones switched right on. Yep, I was bisexual all right...

[1] there was a complex situation, involving him attempting to set me up with a person very much like a larval Darkside, resulting in a mad unrequited crush and making out with Bugs

[2] nickname from the Gordon Korman book of the same title: a fanatic drummer guy
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic
lonely, spock

Things that are necessary:

Not geekdom, but the ability to put up with it
A habit of making my light shine brighter just by being there

But I think the one thing that I would need someone to have, that is the hardest to find... faith.
  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely
Azzcalm, Quiet

Spidey Update

Whatever the hell it was, it wasn't a juvie widow. Those are not small and black and scuttling. Whatever this was, it was small and black and scuttling. We're still getting spider-sprayed tomorrow.

In other news, what do you call a live male black widow spider? Collapse )

Feel free to groan.
  • Current Mood
    blah blah
pretty, Francine


Nephew doesn't like beer. Or any alcohol, for that matter. He's six, but he's already made up his own mind.

We had beer one night, the grown-ups, and Nephew was awfully curious as to what Uncle ralmathon was drinking. And he wanted to drink some too. I told him to smell it, and tell me what he thought.

He sniffed. "Yuck!" he said.

"It tastes just like it smells," I said.

He made a worse face.

Some months separated, he was wondering about the vodka that I was pouring a little bit of into something. I told him that it was called vodka, and it was alcohol, and it was like beer only stronger. I dipped the tip of my finger into the vodka, and touched it to his tongue.

He scrubbed out his mouth with water and a paper towel, and looked very disgusted with the entire proceedings.

The other day, he brought home a song from school: "Nine Coronas". I asked him if he knew that this song was about beer. He looked disgusted and said, "You tricked me!" loudly.

He hasn't been singing that song anymore.
  • Current Mood
    loved loved
pretty, Francine


Called Darkside. Talked about stuff. Nephew's Hero Quest character is a dwarf. Kung Pow: Enter The Fist is a very ditzy movie with moments of silliness.

I'd like to go see Nemesis with him when his schedule permits. He had an interview today and will have one next Wednesday.

Oompa, the amazing exploding ogre!

I miss him.
  • Current Mood
    loved loved
pretty, Francine

Laundry & workout

I'm trying to keep the two going hand-in-hand. Lately I've been sooo slacking. But I did some lifting today:

30 butterfly flaps @ 40lbs

...and that's it.
  • Current Music
    Baldur's Gate
pretty, Francine


Every time I get off the phone with Darkside, I stay warm and happy for an indefinite time afterward.

One of his comments about lab guys set me off to fuming, about people who cared so much for the label of a religion that they wouldn't date anyone who hadn't the same brand name on them, and after I calmed down, Darkside wanted to know if I was talking about ralmathon, because that sure didn't sound like him.

No, in point of fact, it hadn't been. Neighbor's problem about dating me is that either I don't have supermodel looks, or because I'm too much like a sister to him.

Darkside said, with a very unusual note in his voice, that he doubted it was supermodel looks and lack thereof that was the problem.
  • Current Music
    Baldur's Gate
pretty, Francine


If all your relationships end in disaster and loss of friendship, how likely are you to date again?

Would you date a friend, if the relationship not working out would lose you a friend?

Would you date your best friend?
  • Current Music
    household silence (for once)
pretty, Francine


If I hadn't gotten engaged to BJ, I wouldn't have come to Phoenix. If I hadn't come to Phoenix, I wouldn't have met Darkside and Votania. If I hadn't met Darkside, I wouldn't have been directed to the FOGclub message boards. Without those, I wouldn't have met godai. godai and Dennis K. were instrumental in my joining LJ. LJ is, of course, where I met iroshi, though I haven't the foggiest who met who where and how.

But wait!

I have been on the Bujold list off and on since the mid-to-late 90's. She's been on there too. She mostly lurked; she vaguely recalled the young woman who'd just gotten engaged, the one whose fiance had kidney stones, and whose in-laws-to-be were the wrong religion, very much and antagonistically so.

Every now and then I trace the paths of coincidence that I wander down, and find other ways to map it. I could have come to Phoenix for the weather: I was getting royally sick of the snow, and was throwing bitchfits about it. Phoenix would have been hot enough... and I'd been contemplating DeVry as a tech school (EET, I might have gone for) from high school.

Yeah, I could have gotten here from there.
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
loud fayoumis


End of BWW as of yesterday. Whee.
  • Current Mood
    relieved relieved
Azzgrin, Azure: Lunatic, crazy

Happy meetings

Tomorrow, things happen:
  • Housecleaning

  • Hanging out with starbrow

  • Management test

Should be fun for everybody!
  • Current Music
    hiccups (mine)
loud fayoumis

Hello, Mr. 404

Having fun with the school's computers. Joy joy joy. Tonight's one of the nights the lab gets out less-than-late (10 rather than 11); therefore, I have stayed the extra half-hour and will presently be allowing my boyfriend to escort me home.

Stuff is failing to load a rather lot more than it ought. Evil. Evil.
  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed
documentation, writing, quill


LJ is having errors with talkpost_do; LJ has been saying it isn't posting from the client, when sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't; don't know what's up.

Also have noted that I mistype .net and .org: .ent and .orc

...Both very understandable, right?
  • Current Mood
    geeky geeky