I wish I did not feel like the people I care most for were withdrawing from me. I wish I did not feel threatened by the prospect of others' happiness that does not involve me.
I wish I were not making my boyfriend feel more lonely.
Things that Professor Snape is no longer allowed to do at Hogwarts:
Dedicated to the creator of www.skippyslist.com
And thanks to Scott Jamison for his assistance
- Not allowed to sing "Black Powder and Alcohol" to the students. Especially not allowed to substitute ingredients that will result in napalm and methamphetamine instead.
- Crucifying toads. Bad idea.
- Not allowed to collect blood and/or hair samples from students or staff for potion-making. This includes Mrs. Norris.
- Not allowed to train Hagrid's pets into biting Gryffindors.
- May not call any members of the Ministry of Magic untrustworthy, corrupt slime. Not even Fudge. Ok, especially not Fudge.
- Even if I still have the receipt for the last bribe I gave him from Lucius.
- Must never tease Trelawney about what she puts in her incense.
- May not sell any Weasley into slavery.
- Gozer does not live in my supply cabinet. You'd be surprised what does, though.
is not full of yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell first-years that it is. Forbidden Forest
- I cannot trade McGonagall to the Death-Eaters for McNair, Avery, and a player to be named later.
- "Poppy" is Madam Pomfrey's nickname, and not what she dispenses.
- May not conduct psychological experiments on staff members or students.
- I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
- While under Veritaserum.
- 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long-term goal to give Lord Voldemort.
- Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war". Not even Pettigrew.
- Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question Dumbledore asks me. Only Trelawney gets to do that.
- Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on school time.
- Must wash my hair even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.
- Must not taunt the Hufflepuffs.
- Not allowed to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in Death-Eater recruiting posters. God only knows why.
- Not allowed to put up Death-Eater recruiting posters on school property, not even in the Slytherin Common Room.
- May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain(s) of command. Neither Dumbledore nor Voldemort have any sense of humor.
- It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Professor Snape.
- There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
- Except Peeves.
- Nerve gas is not funny, not even at a Dark Revel.
- Must not tell any Death-Eater that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.
- May not hold sky-clad rituals in the Great Hall, no matter how much ore convenient it is than the actual sky.
- Visiting Irish wizards are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.
- Potions Class should not end in tragedy.
- I may not produce or perform in "Hogwarts: The Full Monty". Nor may I encourage any student or staff to do so.
- Not even Madam Hooch.
- May not use Harry Potter as a body shield if Voldemort invades the school.
- May no longer decorate the Great Hall for any function.
- May not give Professor Sprout any plant named "Audrey".
- May not feed Longbottom to "Audrey".
- May not bring Moaning Myrtle as my date to the Yule Ball.
- May not put banned substances on the Gryffindor Quidditch brooms just before a match (see attached list).
- May not encourage Fred or George Weasley to boobytrap the Sorting Hat.
- May not bring Longbottom to any Death-Eater function in the hopes he will 'fix' Voldemort's latest potion.
- Even if the resulting explosion will leave a smoking crater a quarter-mile in diameter, thus resolving at least two of my major problems.
- May not taunt Lupin at Christmas time by singing "Silver Bells", repeatedly.
- Or send Sirius Black a flea collar in Extra Large. Though he could use it. "Dances with wolves, sleeps with fleas".
- When asked to give a few words at a ceremony or staff meeting, 'Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.
Besides, that's Dumbledore's job.