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Cannibalized the keyboard from Neo. Will wait and see if Tigereye's keyboard dries itself out and then works. Regardless, I'm getting a spare or two.
I'm still awake. Couldn't get to sleep.
Confused is me.
She's hot. She's so hot. And she's nice, and she's sweet, and she's a lot of fun to hang around with and just be silly together.
It punched me in the stomach when I thought, even for a few minutes, that she was going to be exclusive with somebody else. I have no claim to be jealous. I know that. I'm dating someone, and I have an excellently delightful beloved best friend. But I'm longing in the wrong directions.
I don't know if it could work, and I'm too scared and too shy to ask. I doubt I've earned the right for that. Casual fun when the planets align correctly and Eris decrees it a holiday is one thing; it's a Perfect Love & Perfect Trust thing. Asking for something more than that, in my current situation, is something I doubt I've earned...
Stuff comes up, and people's lives get busy. Just that there's an undercurrent of worry, now... did I say something wrong? Did I come on too strong? Am I really a freak who's to be perpetually lonely? I drive people away, once I get to know them too well. Has that happened? Will that happen?
Am I worrying over nothing?
Headed off to see Darkside now.
The radio and a palm book make the difference on long bus rides. Wish radios were more suited to plane flight, but I know exactly why they're not.
*sigh* The loqical thing to do when you know the limits of the technology is not to bitch, but to invent an alternative that does not use a... an oscillator?... for tuning, but evades the bitch of having X number of the bits that trim out the unwanted frequencies to tune individually. Damn, I need to get back into electronics.
I'm surprised I turned out as sane as I am. FatherSir had rather too much of the religion thrust upon him when he was a kid, and therefore left us on our own. It wasn't frowned upon -- just Not Talked About.
Mystical things and magic, it was made very clear, were only believed in by kids or very, very foolish adults who had too many holes in their brain to learn real science. Every day, I know that if I were to tell my father that I have seen and felt some bloody weird things, that I have a habit of speaking other people's thoughts aloud before they've half thought them, he would say very little, but think me a failure, and never trust my mind again. My senses have constantly fought with everything I've been taught.
I always date my devotion to the Art to the summer of 1994, when FatherSir's old family friend O. died, and left his books in my hands. He only had two esoteric books (Mastering Witchcraft and the Satanic Bible), only one of which I chose to keep (any guesses which one I handled gingerly and quickly gave to the used book store?) but that was enough. Savil took one look at me when I came back from vacation and gave me some books and directed me back to Lackey to learn the basics. That's the date I remember, but when I look back in my old journals, it's always been there.
I sensed auras in high school gym class. I cast the particularly ill-advised love spell that later drew me and Darkside to meet each other. I noticed that Galadriel and her cats were the most Sensitive among my friends. Narcissa took me into particularly interesting trance states. We talked to fairies and played with numerology.
It was a long time ago that my mind recognized that there were more things in heaven and earth than either Horatio or my father would be willing to admit, but it took a while before I could consistently believe it was not just my imagination.
Next time Azure-blue falls into a depression, ask her when last she did the LBRP, and kick her ass until she does.
the one thing about the Red Line being early? Chilly.
It's a lot longer of a walk from the bus stop at the mall to Darkside's house than I thought it would be.
Note to self: always pretest new shoes before committing to a hike in them. Especially when they turn out to be just a shade too small.
Darkside thoughtfully gave me a ride to this bus stop.
Someone was very understatedly happy to see me after he got over the shock of seeing a grinning Lunatic in his living room. I got there a little after 11. His mother teased him about him now seeing the point why she was so insistant upon him getting up that morning... He produced his walking stick and gently bopped his mom on the head.
He showed off Bloodrayne, and insisted that I try. So I did, in a very timid and inept fashion. He coached me. Evidently I was a bit noisy, as he advised me that his parents were out there, and who knew what they'd think was happening behind his door.
His room is small, smaller than mine. He has many, many books.
I asked for, and got, a hug. A short, one-armed hug, but much-needed. Later, I gave him a longer hug from behind, and that was warm and patched much loneliness. He leaned into that one, if not with body, then surely with mind.
Lunch was late because someone (not Darkside, he assured me) had left the oven rack in the wrong notch in the oven. When it was done, the four of us sat down to eat.
There was much joking over the premade casserole. Since Lady Malfoy hadn't constructed it herself, the contents were a mystery. There was giggling.
There was some small discussion of how I would get back home. I proposed that Darkside drop me off at the mall that I'd taken the bus to initially. Lady Malfoy proposed a different mall closer to work. Darkside grumbled teasingly, but we headed off together in his cute grey sedan.
I gave him the chocolate and the bubble stuff from Dawn's wedding, and mentioned how the chocolate would have to be rinsed before being eaten, thanks to the bubble stuff leaking in the plane flight home. Amusement.
He starts a new, paying, morning job Monday. This one starts at eight rather than seven, so he won't have to get up so ungodsly early.
It's so nice to be able to sing with him. His voice gives me the shiveries. Mmmm. I don't sing in the house so much. Told Darkside that, and why, and got into a discussion involving Olivia Newton John, and the conclusions that the Princess Aurora and I had come to at Dawn's wedding. We sang together with the radio quite cheerfully until partway down the 101, where Darkside suddenly turned it off upon hearing an odd sound. He concluded that it was the car next to us making the funny lumping noise... but then it became apparent that it was so not them.
He pulled off quickly, on the inside of the road where you only pull off if it's the most dire of emergencies, as getting back on is a bitch and it's not the safest place either. We got out. The right rear tire was not only flat, but shredded. Fortunately, Darkside had changed tires before. He pulled out his cellphone, called his parents, and called work, and then he set to work on the tire, with me as a convenient person to hold things. "Do I get experience points for this?" I asked.
He had the car jacked up in no time flat, and looked for the wrench.
Where was the bloody wrench?
He finally found it, after searching and making very unhappy noises.
It was at this point that he struck the second obstacle. The nuts were on too tightly. He beckoned me closer to help, and we tried tugging together. No soap.
He grumped about having to call a repair guy after all. I took the wrench and pushed. The nuts loosened, one by one. We pulled the trashed tire off and put on the spare.
This shoots Darkside's upcoming free time all to hell, as he'll have to get the car looked at and the tire replaced. Evidently I am stronger than he is. I work out, and he is a wimp. And how many times have I worked out in the past three months? I demanded of him. Like, once. I only win at Mercy because he has superior pain tolerance.
When he's driving with me, some songs on the radio get quickly skipped past. "Sexual Healing" was one of those. We giggled over that a little.
His hair's gotten longer again. It got all messed up with the wind when we were out changing the tire, and I straightened it for him.
I asked whether he would be peeved with me should I show up some Saturday morning again. I'm to check with him first, but it sounds like we might be able to do that... that would make me very, very happy. Probably him too, as he doesn't get to spend time with friends what with his schedule...
...I did get Darkside's nuts off.
I suck at Bloodrayne.
Though I know that Darkside and I were having some interesting thoughts about Rayne feeding... He put me on the tutorial mode, and I still sucked. He got a little frustrated, I got a little frustrated, and there was much in the way of giggling. There is nowhere in his room to sit but on his bed.
Only with him would I allow myself to so much as attempt to play one of these games. Between my motion sickness and my conditioned dislike of any games like that, I will politely refuse anyone else's offer of teaching me how to play those games. With him...
...With him, it's something we can do together, something that he's good at and I'm very uncertain at. I like having those things with him, things we can do together. He likes me enough to game with me. I can do that. I may not be very good, but I can.
I've always thought of Darkside as stronger than I am. Evidently he doesn't think so. I'm stronger than he is. He can just take more pain in Mercy. He keeps me battling against him in arm-wrestling until my endurance fades, and then whips me because I'm in too much pain to keep pushing.
When goofing off tickle/wrestle/pillowfighting, he can hold me down. He's strong. But sometimes, it's because it's him, and he's holding me down... I just freeze like a psychotic fayoumis and wait for what he's going to do next.
In his mental universe, I work out, and of course I'm stronger than he is. He's a scrawny wimp who happens to know a few tricks.