March 3rd, 2003

trust, best friends forever, snot-nosed brats

LJ deprivation ponderings.

Reincarnation's never been a question for me. KL7AM told me the logic-chain that works best for me, and I'll paraphrase it broudly. In an infinite universe, not only will the infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters produce the complete works of Shakespeare, an infinite number of times over, but they will produce also all the iterations of what might have been. Romeo might have decided to get in a little necrophilia before he offed himself, and while Juliet would have been a little startled, they would likely have survived (whether their marriage would have survived is another story entirely).

Digressing, though.

I've never questioned whether I've been here before. With the funky mindmapping that I have, I can clearly see how who I am is a product of the interaction between my hardwiring, my environment, the hardwiring that happened as the result of that, with my free will directing the choices from the prescribed range of options available to me. (My will is only, generally, so free as the will of someone taking a multiple-choice test.)

Knowing all that, that it's all happened before and will again; knowing that my writing of rosalynde's life is crafting her that universe, and is at the same time recording what has already happened... this might be taken by some as license to slack off, to know that somewhere, someone is doing it like I want to do it.

But that's not how I work.

Giraud wondered to Ari: is there identity? Will I remember?

I don't, really, have identity with anyone but my multiplicity of selves. I had identity with one of the Roses, for a while, but she drifted off; I tracked her into the ectogenesis universe and left her there, as that was a place she could settle. It used to be that all she had was a different future than me. Now she has a different past, too...

If I wanted, I could "move in" with her. The process would likely involve extreme discomfort to those I love here, though; I'd go to sleep, and my body would remain alive, but with not very much, if anything, left inside. Her universe has a very bleak period that she lives through, in the near future. I know how her story winds up. Rather, I know how the universe gets left; she's got a Mission, and Hope, and she makes it through somehow, but it's not a pretty journey. That's the way she'd want it, though.

But I don't want her future. It holds no deep surprises for me.

...I know, that in one of the universes holding a similar version of me to this one, that I already have dated Darkside. That I never will date him. That I've never met him. That we were friends from childhood. That we are already married.

But this is the universe in which I have my selfish identity.

I don't care much about what happens in the rest of the universes; that's not really my affair to dictate, save for rosalynde. I live in this one. And I want what I want in this one.

I do not have identity with the girl who's on the phone with Darkside now. I do not have identity with the one who's broken in the corner because he just dumped her. I do not have identity with the girl who's awake feeding their baby. I have identity with me. And I selfishly want him for mine, and for me to be his, in this universe.
  • Current Mood
    wistful
running, bomb tech

Addictions

Watched some TV last night. Malcolm in the Middle and That 70's Show. Eric* amuses me.


*The guy from the show, of course. Who did you think I was talking about?
trust, best friends forever, snot-nosed brats

Books

After commenting about books, I was struck by a pang of longing upon remembering Darkside's room.

It wasn't a longing for him, specifically.

My words were, "Perhaps when I get all my books in one place, and categorized, that place will be Home." I had a sudden vision of the bookshelf in his room, with his books and mine commingled...

...
  • Current Music
    guys welding outside
running, bomb tech

Jewelry, promises

I'm wearing the blue-roses-in-heart necklace again.

I bought it two years ago, and asked Darkside to put it over my head.

It stands for faithfulness unto myself in love.
running, bomb tech

Yay, of much yay-y ness! (job, co-workers not sucking)

Went to the training session for the e-mail job for work. Much fun to be had by all. Met this guy and this chick, both of them being geeks, of both computer and f/sf. Very good.

They gave me a lift home; it seems that I am a very good possibility to be their third for the car pool. Not having a car does not matter; I can supply gas money.
running, bomb tech

...

I didn't think it would be this difficult to write about.
running, bomb tech

damn straight.

i'm scared. someone asked me to talk about one day. so i'm trying. i'm trying to remember it. i would be hyperventilating if I weren't so well in control right now.

i'm terrified. not because i think it's going to happen again, but because even though i think it won't it always might, and i might not come out the other side with all my friends.

i'm terrified. i have to write about this. i have to get it out of my fingertips.

darkside was there for me. darkside wrapped meup in ablanket and got me something hot to drink and put me to bed.