April 27th, 2003

trust, best friends forever, snot-nosed brats

Drama, fuckit. (Mono, poly, whatever.)

If I were a soup can, all the labels you'd have to put on me to describe me would fight with each other and negate each other.

I'm polyamorous. I'm monogamous. I don't care what I am. I just love people, and I happen to be very monogamously in love with Darkside. It's excessively frustrating being a mono/poly switch. When I'm not in a serious relationship, I'm either poly or a swinger, take your pick of whichever you think describes me better. I have lovely friendships with people, and sometimes it gets romantic, or sometimes it just gets sexual.

I have infinite love. One thing I don't have is infinite attention. In most of the relationships I've been in, I need to have someone there to take my full attention... or several someones, to each take part of my attention, as my full attention is usually too intense for one person to take by themselves. Often I'm not comfortable training my full attention on someone. I have very powerful attention, and it can be unsettling.

It should probably not make me this furious to have someone imply that I am not truly polyamorous, because that's how it sounds to me. It is, though. I'm more angry than I can safely express, and that probably is an indication that something is wrong with me.

I identify as polyamorous, because I recognize that my love is unlimited, and that my expression of that love need not be limited to the one-on-one form of traditional marriage.

I'm likely angry because I am so thoroughly frightened by the concept that my utter adoration for this man may be turning my worldview towards monogamy, and that I may or may not ever feel differently. You must understand that when asked, "Who do you love?" ever since the age of 11 or so, I had to make a list, rather than give one name.

But the nature of my friendship with this man is such that, if he asked me to marry him, and limit the expression of my attention in sexual matters to be limited to him and only him, I would likely do this. The relative intensity of my feelings for him, versus the other people I could theoretically be involved with... I do not know where I could find anyone, man, woman, or alien, such a good match for me.

I love him. Every day without him is just that much more empty; while our friendship lasts, I know I'll never be truly alone.

I was almost married, monogamously, once. BJ and I broke up before the wedding. It was a close call, as he was a complete jerk, and not worth my time. This is in no way equal to that.

I know if Darkside decided that he and I should be married, and that Mr. Shallow and my pretty and I should be allowed to express our mutual affections physically, that I would be delighted. They are friends, and I care for both of them deeply. I could even say that I love them. But there is not the burning necessity behind my bonds with them, just the inevitability that I love them and they love me.

If Darkside and I were to marry, I probably would have enough attention to spare for those I love. However, if he and I were to only have physical intimacy with each other, and no others, I would not lie awake late at night starved for the lack of touch from my other beloveds. It would be on my wish list, if ever it would be possible to arrange, but I would be happy without it.

On the other hand, if I were to monogamously bond with someone else, even my water brother Mr. Shallow or my pretty, I would likely wind up curled up in a corner, minimally responsive, starved for the lack of Darkside's touch. And I would not dare even try to hug him, if I were mono with someone else. By my standards if no one else's, that would be cheating.

I need Darkside. I need him so very badly I'm ashamed of myself. And when I'm not allowed him, as he doesn't wish for a relationship with me, I try to hunt for all the essential things that make him necessary to me, piecewise in others... and it fails. I adore him, I need him. Loving him does not make it impossible for me to want others, but it makes it unnecessary. Most people, I can love without needing, but gods, not him.
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running, bomb tech

Morning

Little Fayoumis wanted to go with Mommy to the sale. (Camelback & Central, happening today. Elder Gods Jewelery Rises!)

He was denied this, as he'd been such a complete boo there yesterday to get himself grounded from a bunch of things.

So votania and marxdarx skidded out the door, and I'm fayoumis-watching.

I left two messages with Darkside (one "Hi, hope everything's OK with you; Mama's sending me my spare glasses", and one "I want to see these movies with you -- can this be arranged?") and one with Dawn ("I asked him if he was likely to move in with us... and he said that he honestly didn't know. He said that he honestly didn't know! He didn't say no!").

's a morning. Clover came over last night, and we chatted for a couple hours. Her son likes anime. We talked about birds; we got onto the subject after I re-introduced my pretty little calico. Geese. Ducks as very bad mothers. Kids. Cats. Turtles. Bunnies.

It's always fun when she comes over.

She came bearing goodies (beads!! And stuff!) and had to leave before votania and marxdarx came back from watching Bulletproof Monk.
running, bomb tech

Yep, I warp people's brains.

absentmammoth's brain got bent.

Among other things, this implies that in a mono/poly relationship, sometimes people are scheming to take all of the attention... and perhaps competing against each other for it... perhaps by taking over related activities, and raising the amount of involvement in things. Hm.

It's an interesting thought.
running, bomb tech

*groan*

So what do you call an onion who's decided to emulate the musical career of Marshall Mathers?

Collapse )
running, bomb tech

Drat, drat.

Someone comes on IM, and you click their name to pounce them... and then they go offline.

Drat.
running, bomb tech

Getting Things Done

Took out trash. Cleaned cat boxes. Put new litter in both. Did dishes.

Must now replace bags in all the rest of the little trash cans (I believe in encouraging the rest of the household to make sure it gets in the trashcan by making sure there is one nearby, as well as the main kitchen trash) and do some more picking up.
running, bomb tech

More:

Sorted and folded the clean laundry in the West bedroom. Hardly the highest priority in all matters of cleaning, but one of the things that I can do to increase the general tidiness level, and one of the prerequisites to vacuuming in there. Little Fayoumis gets to put away his own laundry, as he's old enough -- I sorted it out from the rest for him.
running, bomb tech

Sleep...

Tried to read some SQL. Caught a nap instead, and was woken up when Little Fayoumis requested a snack. Snacks have been graham crackers, raisins, and peanuts lately; this has been working out well with his taste buds and our parental sensibilities.
running, bomb tech

Yay for Physics!

Cleaning out the turtle tank. votania bought a hose to drain the tank with.

marxdarx was intent on doing the siphoning the old-fashioned way, and sucking on the hose until it started to flow. I suggested an alternative. He tried the sucking, but gave it up as a bad job.

I then implemented my idea: the thing was draining into the bathtub already, so use the shower to fill the line to start the flow of water, and then reverse it by putting the appropriate end of the hose in the bathtub.

Not surprisingly, it worked.

Happiness. Except for the part about blowing out votania's back.
high energy magic

Backlash

Now, of course, I'm feeling like I can't communicate with anyone, nor should I try.

It happens. It's when I am communicating and communicating and getting through, and then I run out of energy and I stop... and then until I regain my energy again, I feel so very blocked.

This, too, shall pass.
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