May 6th, 2003

Santa Lucia, Ritual, _schools16931

Remember, folks.

She who seriously entertains the thought of making her little Guardian chapter ISO-9000 compliant is just as crackpot as the one who comes up with the bizarre version of the Demise of Atlantis that no one else has ever heard of before.
running, bomb tech

Word.

Magnesium. That's the metal that catches fire that I was looking to compare that candle wick to.
running, bomb tech

Cats...

I pat my leg and call, "C'mere, girl!" and eris_raven trots over and into my room.

She's learning that sometimes when I do that, I give treats, like bits of salmon.

Smart little fayoumis.
running, bomb tech

hospital

waiting. Crocheting. Idiot (well, well-meaning/uninformed) anasthesiologist showed her needle. Panic.

She's OK, though.

Am inexplicably panicked myself over a future I'm seeing. So mundane...

I see it. How suburban. How tame. How... I am terrified. I barely dare hope. I must trust in my own strength. I must trust in my strength of friendship and love and stubbornness.
running, bomb tech

Interminable wait: Depression rant

Doctor stopped by about 7:45 to tell me that the procedure was over and she was just fine.

I got called in to the recovery ward about an hour later, after an interminable hour of listening to a man vent to an older woman (not his mom, evidently, but someone who seemed to be standing in for the Older Female Support Group position) about his handicapped (thanks to an accident), depressed and nonfunctional wife.

I say this to everyone: if you have something wrong with you, and there's something you can do about it, fergoshsakes do it. Those who love you will give you all the love and support they can. Those who don't love you... probably won't. Those who love you don't want you to go too fast and push too hard and hurt yourself worse, but they do want you better.

This woman was evidently refusing medical treatment because she didn't want to do it, not because she thought it wasn't the right treatment. She wasn't getting a second opinion. She's having her husband wrangle with her lawyers (which he's getting fed up of doing) and doing absolutely jack squat to get herself better and functional again. He's on the verge of divorce because she's refusing to get better. Taking a long time to heal, he could see that. She's not putting any effort into it. She's drinking coffee continuously and chainsmoking, and then complains of insomnia. Um, duh, woman.

I don't think there's anyone on my friends list who has a known condition and does absolutely nothing to help it, and does things that would make it worse. I don't think anyone doing that would stay on my friends list for long. Even people who don't have physical things wrong with them, people with depression and so forth -- I don't think I have anyone on my friends list who is continually just sitting back and letting the depression overwhelm them to the point where they are nonfunctional. It has been years, for this woman.

Everyone has good days and bad days, fighting with their various problems. Everyone. This woman has given up fighting. That's something I don't want to see in any of my friends.
running, bomb tech

Getting home, settling in

Went in to see votania in the recovery ward. It was outpatient. She was already conscious, albeit painfully. This time, they had the relationships right: I was sister, not mother. *snicker*

After she finished her IV, and had some stuff to drink, the nice nurse Lois and I got her all packed up, dressed, and ready to go. To the car we went! We got in, and waved bye-bye to Lois, and headed home.

I really am a decent driver. votania was so out of it. This time she didn't ask that her head be fired from a cannon at the White House if she died, though. Instead, I got her home, with no collisions and not even a close call, and marxdarx put her to bed while I walked over to pick up Little Fayoumis from his school and get her prescriptions filled.

Explained to Little Fayoumis what was up while walking home. Told him that Mommy had gone to the hospital this morning for an operation, and she was sleepy from the medicine. He asked if Mommy had gotten sick again.

Told him that no, Mommy was fine, but Mommy didn't want to get surprised with a baby. He is her kid, and he's great, and new babies take a lot of time and energy, and she wants to spend time with him! So she asked the doctor if the doctor could make it so her body wouldn't have babies, and the doctors said he could do that, and so she planned to go to the hospital.

And we got up at 5:00 in the morning and went to the hospital, and then we waited and filled out paperwork, and then the nurses helped Mommy get dressed in the hospital gown and got her ready, and then the anaesthesiologist doctor gave Mommy some medicine that would make her go to sleep, and the other doctor got his tool to see inside her and put that in her bellybutton, and got his doctor laser and put that in her, and went ZAP! ZAP! with the doctor laser. And then they took out the doctor laser and the tool to see inside her, and then they put special bandaids on her.

And she's still sleepy from the medicine, and she hurts, because you hurt from having a doctor laser inside you and all that, but she'll be feeling better tomorrow.

And Little Fayoumis isn't worried, which is good. Explained, also, the necessity of having someone around to keep an eye on her. We need to have a grownup there with her in case the sleepy medicine does something bad with her. We don't think it will, but if it does, there needs to be a grown-up there to call the doctor.

Little Fayoumis proposed that Colshin could do it. I explained to him that Colshin couldn't dial a real phone and talk to a real doctor. But Colshin could tell LF when to tell me to call a doctor.

yaksha42 will be coming over later to keep an eye on everybody while I go and pick up the prescriptions. One's a pain med, one's anti-nausea. She's been drinking water and sleeping. So far, so good.
running, bomb tech

Terror

I said this morning that I was terrified, and I wasn't kidding.

The TV was on in the outpatient waiting room, and there was a story about a couple looking for their abducted daughter. I saw the man, and I didn't see his face.

I suddenly saw Darkside. I saw how he'll look at 30, 40. My best friend, as always. I saw a little suburban house. I saw absolute peace and contentment, an adoring, loving, caring, sweet couple.

I was terrified. It suddenly felt so very restrictive.

Would I really marry di catenas after swearing not to? I don't think Darkside would let me be dominated against my will. When he bends me, he bends me to release me from the bonds I hold myself in. If he bent me and I broke (and he's done it, accidentally, from time to time with his words) he would never ever continue and let me be broken. He always holds me back together again.

(Sidenote: I do not ever want to see what seeing me utterly broken and unfixable would do to him. There are some things that are too painful to bear, and his pain at not being able to fix me is one of them.)

I feel like I'm scared of seeing myself happy. I'm scared of walking into a trap, like I nearly did with BJ. (Hell, I walked into that trap, and set up housekeeping inside... and then dashed out at the last moment.) And I also feel that I'm silly to be afraid.

Darkside would never harm me, would never knowingly push me into a position where I would harm myself or him. He knows me well enough to catch me before I take much damage, and I'm getting better at telling him when it hurts.

Looking at it from the outside, though, from the perspective of someone who sees me as a free spirit, and sees him as a conservative unknown... it would look exactly like a trap. The conservative unknown would unyeildingly push me into the cookie-cutter mom ideal, and I could bend and bend... and would finally break. Or be baked solid.

Thinking through it rationally, with the things I know... I wouldn't let myself suffer in silence, and he wouldn't let me get harmed through a knowing action or inaction of his. Ever.

But people like DC, who do not know the measure of this man, who do not know, bone-deep, the emotions he's dragged me through and past, lifeguard rescuing a stranded swimmer out of her depth... they won't see the partnership and the adoration born of it. They'll only see the harsh man, accustomed to being in control, and the submissive woman, ready to fetch the moon at her husband's request. And when I fail to allow myself to be rescued, they'll give me up as lost...
running, bomb tech

Darkover definitions

Poll #132091 Darkover Terminology

Do you know what the term di catenas refers to?

Yes
16(61.5%)
No
4(15.4%)
Rings a bell, but damned if I can say what it is
4(15.4%)
WHERE THE FUCK are you supposed to find a definition of that? Google tells me just about jack!
2(7.7%)

Are you familiar with the Free Amazons (Renunciates)?

Yes
18(69.2%)
No
4(15.4%)
Faint bell
2(7.7%)
Aha! Google is my friend this time!
2(7.7%)
Little Fayoumis, Nephew

Afternoon

Little Fayoumis watched Spiderman, but did not get to play Playstation, as he did get the controller out without being watched. Not entirely his fault, because I should have been a little more specific, but not entirely my fault either. He's getting better about not getting on it without supervision, and I expect that by tomorrow, he'll be very, very, very careful. Even though he probably did do a good job of taking the controller out, I'm establishing precedent, and enforcing the idea that he MUST follow the rules or suffer the consequences.

He made his day at school, and got his homework done. He's taken to saying, "First Objective... completed!" upon finishing the first homework problem, and continuing to do so for all the other homework problems. Excellent! I approve of the vocabulary. SpyHunter is good for something after all.

Things he still needs to work on: the color name orange (it's a tricky one to sound out), the word "eighth", and distinguishing between the words black, blue, and brown. They're all color words, but he tends to see the letter B, know it's a color word, and take wild-assed guesses. So even if he guessed right, I make him read the word. He's getting so much better at reading!

He's prone to taking "shortcuts" when he reads, reading the first letters and the last letters and skipping the middle letters. Am trying to teach him how very bad a habit that is.

Explained the concept of PG-13 to him. He read it on the movie screen at the beginning of Spider-Man, and I told him that it stood for Parental Guidance, and meant that parents should make sure the movie was OK for kids to watch when the kids were under 13, because the kids might be scared or something. LF told me that he wasn't scared by that movie. I told him that he wasn't, which was why we let him watch it, but other, different, kids might be scared, because there are bad guys and buildings getting shot in the movie, and that could be scary.

He's learning.

Decided a nap was in order. Crashed out. yaksha42 came by, and knocked loudly, waking me up. I got, as predictable, very shaky and uncertain, because that's how I get when woken out of a much-needed afternoon nap before I'm ready to wake up.

Went to the store to pick up votania's prescriptions. There was an accident taking up most of the intersection, as Yakky had warned me, so traffic was hell.
Little Fayoumis, Nephew

Strictness, learning

I sound like I come down pretty hard on Little Fayoumis.

Probably I do.

On the other hand, he behaves very well for me, and when he does well, I reward him accordingly. I hold him to the rules, and I have a near-omniscient way of knowing when he's done something he ought not to.

I'm striving for fairness. I'm not the most playful or fun of his parent/guardians, but he loves me all the same, and he sits right up and learns for me, quite a bit due to the fact that I keep him on task when doing stuff, and I focus on him learning, not on how much he's squiggling (because he does, when he's thinking). It's a trade-off. I don't play with him much, so he treasures the focused attention he does get when he works on his homework with me. He doesn't get rewarded for going off-task.

I expect him to be smart, and very well-behaved. For a kid his age, in my presence, he is.

I think we need to add a lot more interesting words to the conversation around here, to add the words he's going to need to survive in my family and other places he may want to go to his vocabulary while he's young.
Azzgrin, Azure: Lunatic, crazy

Did I mention that I'm evil?

So. shadesong is having a game of Truth or Dare.

And rainstorm13, being the badass that she is, said, "Actually, hell with it, I'm feeling invincible today. I'll take one of each, and I double-dog dare you to think up something suitable for each for someone as wicked as me. :)"

So, I called her on it. "You know those things that you need to say to people that you're too chicken to say? Those truths? Well. Say 'em. I dare ya."


Zing.

I think I'm evil or something.
running, bomb tech

Prrreep.

Mmmm.

Decided to call someone special, on the off-chance he might be in. He was. Got to talk for eight minutes before he needed some sleep.

Love him.

I try and at least talk to him at least once a week. Hearing his voice is a necessity.
running, bomb tech

Clearances

I went off on this one some time ago.

When I was young, I discovered a particular esoteric talent of mine: I could "record" two seconds or so of information, save it, and recall it, by the mnemonic device of snapping my fingers twice to begin recording, twice to save, and twice to recall all messages in the queue (I could store a few, up to seven, I think).

To keep a message in memory, I would re-save it each time.

After a while, as I discovered writing on my hand and no longer used it as heavily, the device became less reliable, but I still used it on occasion.

While at DeVry, though, I had occasion to use it to store the message, "Get bus pass." I was walking down the south end of the east hallway with Darkside, past the bookstore, and I saved the message.

Darkside looked at me, snapped his fingers twice, said something brief, then snapped twice again. I was about to tell him that it didn't work...

...then I checked storage.

It had saved.

I freaked out, mildly, because no one else is really supposed to be able to save to that...


But hey. What's a little mind-tampering between best friends, when I had to have given consent or it wouldn't have happened? He does more to influence my mind by just talking to me and giving gentle advice than he does by directly going in and saving things to my message system.
running, bomb tech

Random Screaming

So I was slightly tipsy, and bent over the sink brushing my teeth, having already removed the garments from my lower limbs.

Suddenly, I am touched, upon the cleft that is exposed over the upper limits of my undies when I am bent over the sink.

SCREECH!! quoth I, and turned around fast, the better to deck any intruders and/or ghosts.


No ghost, this, but a little grey cat skidding out of the bathroom.

Opened the door a crack and stuck my head out to inform the rest of the household that I was OK, just... startled. Very.


Cat?

If you know what's good for you, don't touch my butt.
running, bomb tech

Runed my day

So votania borrowed Inanna and did runes for the day. Mine was one particular one, telling me to trust in my strength and insight, but now was not yet the time.

And it's not.

I'd have freaked him out tonight if I laid it all out.

It will come up; I will have the perfect moment to tell him how much he means to me...

How the *hell* did he manage to miss the fact that he was my best friend, for over the past year?

But.

I am to wait.

I am to trust that conversation will open itself, and I will see the paths, and I will see the inner workings, and I will have the words memorized, and know them...
running, bomb tech

To do:

PL/SQL blocks
Trim kitten claws
Trim Moshie claws
Teach Raver-girl how to shake hands
Start at cleaning out collection -- carefully!
Clean fridge
Figure out how the hell to propose the idea to m'love
Get job (even a pretend one will do at this point)