Well, duh. Pretty much everyone called it: my worst fear is losing Darkside. But it's more specific than that. I'm not terrified of him accidentally dying; that's in no way going to separate us. It would be horribly lonely and frightening, yes, but it's not something that I live in terror of.
After the Realization that I'm his friend and I'm not going to be leaving any time soon settles down into Darkside's brain, I will be a bit scared of me dying before him. I do not want
to ever be in a position to see what happens to him if that happens, because from the way he keeps his mind, I don't think it would be very good. I really think that I could take our temporary separation by death better. But, again, that's not something I dwell on.
What I'm terrified of is losing his friendship.
I could see us drifting slowly apart. That's what he's been trying to do. That's what he always does. He's an Army brat. He's used to it. He's been trying to gently detach me, so as not to break my heart. I've not been taking the hint. His brain stalled out on him the other night over this. He's learning about the lifetime, intense kind of friendship.
The thought of drifting away from him shreds me inside. I've drifted away from friends through distance before. The concept doesn't scare me as it used to. Somehow, though, with Darkside... terrifying.
I've said the wrong thing to friends before. Sometimes we patched things up. Sometimes, we didn't. Sometimes, friends and I drifted apart because I was myself, and I was not who they wanted as a friend.
I'm terrified that I may say the wrong thing to Darkside, either by pure accident, or if I get angry and say things I know will harm him in blind rage, that he'll back away from me and break the friendship rather than get hurt again. I know I have the capability to hurt him, and I fear that I would use it, either accidentally or in what would be literally insanity. (And yes, iroshi
, I know what I'm saying.)