May 26th, 2003

running, bomb tech


Made my own version of potato-leek soup. Not leeks, though, green onions, and no pork, turkey.

It's good.

I like it.

The blender is a modern substitute for cooking things for hours on end so the potatoes break down.
Azzcalm, Quiet

Good ol' Fuzzy: the Air Tazer

So, back in the day, back in high school, I had a best friend: Fuzzy Modem.

ADHD, by the way. Unmedicated, anymore, except for the pot, which did not exactly help matters.

So, he was taking two electives: pottery, and electronics. (Mr. Johnson, the electronics teacher, was the coolest guy in the universe.)

He'd been making a selection of weapons, which I chose to call The Arsenel of Freedom, after the Next Gen episode, as he was bound to get in trouble with them. He'd made, this time, an air tazer. This was his second go-round with it; he'd blown up a good portion of his desk trying to make the first one. He made the guts of this second one in Electronics, and the casing in pottery.

He got them both done, and decided that the best place to put them together was at lunch, in our usual spot outside the front of the library.

Now, you must understand that the Library Monkeys were not a quiet group of people. We were loud, and often told to chill out or disperse by the Powers that Be. So, when the principal walked by and saw the Library Monkeys sitting in a quiet circle like kindergarteners at storytime, she was naturally curious, and asked the person who seemed to be the ringleader what was going on, what was so interesting.

And Fuzzy started to tell her.

I could tell that he didn't know who she was. She was the principal, and mostly did administrative things and spoke at assemblies (Fuzzy skipped assemblies) and was not involved much in the disciplinary process (Fuzzy got involved in a lot of this). I elbowed him in the ribs. He shoved me back, and continued digging himself deeper.

"That sounds dangerous," she said.
"It would be," he said. "I'd only use it for self-defense."

She beckoned to the vice-principal, who was the disciplinary process, and Fuzzy saw his mistake, far too late. I took custody of his backpack and his wire-cutters while he was hauled off to the office.

He and I met up again after class. "How'd it go?" I queried, returning backpack and pliers.

Evidently, it had gone all right. Fuzzy's stepfather, and Mr. Johnson had both been called. Mr. Johnson looked over the air tazer and pronounced that had it been in working order, it would have been quite the delightfully nasty piece of work, but, alas, Fuzzy had wired it wrong. Fuzzy's stepfather nodded sagely, and told Mr. Johnson that he'd help Fuzzy wire it up right at home.

Fuzzy had almost convinced the vice-principal that the thing wasn't dangerous, that the safety was on in any case, when the little charge LED started blinking, which of course meant that the safety was *not* on...

I don't think he ever did use the thing. I never heard about it after that.
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic
running, bomb tech


I did call Darkside at 9:15 tonight. He sounded horribly tired. He worked 10-hour shifts this weekend.

I want to wrap myself around him and hold him and give him a backrub and let him grump about work to me.

I want to be able to take the time to tell him the things that I'm discovering that I'm terrified of.

...I'm scared of being a grown-up and taking care of myself. Somehow being a grown-up and taking care of the Little Fayoumis is only the natural order of things, and not hard at all.
running, bomb tech


One of my friends evidently had an entry about polyamory up, then took it down, as there was misunderstanding.

There's a large amount of difference between the way people interpret, "Foo is wrong" and "Foo is wrong for me."

"Foo is wrong" is a judgement about the entire concept of foo, whatever it may happen to be. Communism. Capitalism. Christianity. Buddhism. Polyamory. Monogamy. One sweeping statement, more or less calculated to set people off, even if that wasn't how it was meant.

"Foo is wrong for me", on the other hand, implies that some time has been spent looking into foo, and seeing what it entails, and doing some self-examination, and deciding that foo does not belong as an active part in the carefully-crafted balance that is the mind/heart/soul.

That little "for me" on the end there makes it so much more stunningly clear that the views that one person holds about foo for themselves aren't intended to mean that others should necessarily be held by those. When Anne does not like foo, because foo causes lots of blargh to happen when she implements foo, this does not mean that Barbara is incapable of successfully implementing foo. Blargh may not happen for Barbara, because Barbara works well with foo.

votania is not a lesbian. After some sessions of mutual head-hammering, after she told me that she was really against it because it was not balanced, we figured out that it was not her balance, and she would be very pissy with anyone who tried to knock her out of her own balance; however, she was fine with others being lesbians when it was within their balance to do so. Until we got that issue straightened out, though, I was definitely cross with her.

I do remain cross with anyone who is so unimaginative to believe that the way that they have mapped out for themselves is the only way that things may be done; that everything that they find repugnant when applied to themselves must likewise be disgusting to everyone; that everything they find good and wholesome and delightful themselves is necessarily a Universal Good Truth. It doesn't work that way. I like coffee. Darkside does not like coffee. Darkside's father likes golf. Darkside and I have clubbed together with my blue balls and formed a golf-disliking society. I adore computers, and have become scarily domestic. My mother does not much care for computers and hates laundry. It's all about finding the balance that's right for you, and not shoving it at someone else, because that may disrupt their balance.
running, bomb tech


Oy. Have been zonked lately.

Leftover pizza is still good.
running, bomb tech

Almost, but not quite.

'Song said it.

I'm on the fringes of a lot of things too, though I'm more deeply involved than she is. I identify as practicing BDSM, but I'm not part of the BDSM "scene". I like a number of fandoms, but I'm not involved in Fandom. I write fanfic, every now and then; I filk every now and then; I'm not part of the crowd. Of all cultures, I blend best with the Computer Geek, though I'm not really one of them, either.
Little Fayoumis, Nephew


Little Fayoumis is going boom because he's not used to listening to marxdarx, and when marxdarx enforces punishments for not listening to, there is crying.

I anticipate that this will continue until Little Fayoumis realizes that marxdarx has the authority to do that, and decides to accept it.
  • Current Music
    Yowling from the West bedroom
Santa Lucia, Ritual, _schools16931


Went to the pool. The concrete is far too hot for my naked feet; also, I am never ever to leave black rubber sandals lying in the sun ever again.

Swimming alone, underwater with goggles on, in the bright sun... it is lovely. The sun on top of the water is directed downward by the ever-changing lens of the waves up top, focused in crossing patterns. It's so lovely under there. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to breathe.

Narcissa and I played so diligently at magic. The swimming pool was one of those sacred places; there was magic to the water, magic to the weightlessness, magic to the play of the dim light. It's so much more powerful with the sun...

...After exulting in the water, I walked over to the side, and saw the dead grasshoppers floating. Too timid to lift them out with my hands, I found some long, thin leaves, and tried scooping them out. The dead legs waved with the water, and clung to the leaf in a pathetic imitation of the life that I couldn't give back to it...

After fishing out two of the dead grasshoppers, I saw many more floating in the filter. I got out of the pool, and sat with my book on a chair in the shade.
  • Current Mood
    peaceful peaceful
documentation, writing, quill

From a comment, edited: writing improvement

Part of being a writer is improvement. Teenage writing, no matter how good for a teenager, is rarely objectively good. If someone's adult writing is the same as it was when they were a teenager, and they were a writer, I'd worry about them, even if they were an exceptionally gifted teenager.

I have a novel in progress, ectogenesis. I started it when I was 14. I had a good idea, a good start... but my writing still sucked. But I worked on it, as it was the best that I was writing then. And through years of working on it, my writing improved to such an extent that I was able to go back through it and say, "This shit sucks! I must replace it!" and go through with the red pen, marking up sections to delete whole, marking sections to rephrase, marking up sections that need to be moved and changed, marking up the odd thing that can be allowed to stay almost as-is.
documentation, writing, quill

Boundaries, core beliefs

I have a difficult time keeping comfortable around a person when I know that they think that something that is natural to me is profoundly Morally Wrong, without question or room for argument.

If someone were trying to debate the position, to learn more about it, to see how someone else could have that viewpoint, that's a position I could deal with. I'm prepared to deal with that.

I'm prepared to deal with people who can't see how I can have a certain position, and declare that they will never be able to hold that position, but can acknowledge that it works for me, and that I am the only person who can say if it is right for me or not.

I am not prepared to deal with people who hold that something that is integral to me is completely, utterly, irrevokably Wrong, without possibility of discussion. One of my strong core beliefs is that it is very difficult to know what is in another person's heart, and unless you can tell that someone is being harmed by a decision, it's terribly hard to know if something someone else is doing is Wrong.

Even something as straightforwardly considered Wrong as stealing has the classic moral dilemmas that get debated in ethics classes. Stealing for pleasure, and no real need, is not generally under debate. Stealing bread to feed a starving child when there is no means of buying it in time to save the child... that is a classic moral dilemma. It is wrong to steal; it is wrong to allow a child to die of starvation when you could do something to save them.

One of the things I believe most strongly in, paradoxical as it must be, is that there is no One Objective Moral Truth. I believe that everyone is responsible for finding the things that ring true to them; I believe that it is Wrong to insist that the things that you have found that are true for you must necessarily be true for everyone else.

My sister is a vegetarian, for moral reasons. She could not be easy with herself if she ate something that had been a live animal if she could not kill it and prepare it herself. That is what is right for her. I would not force her to eat meat. That would be wrong.

I am not a vegetarian. I have helped my father in the process of butchering chickens, and I can still eat chicken. Had we raised cattle, I would have helped him with that as well. It would be wrong for my sister to insist that I also not eat meat.

I am comfortable around Narcissa because she knows that I have come to a reasonable conclusion that works for me based on my own experiences and beliefs. I am comfortable around her because I know that she has come to something that works for her.

I do not know if I would be comfortable around someone who found something that I know is right for me, with all my heart, to be not only wrong-for-them, but objectively Wrong, and therefore Wrong for Me, as they know that I am this. I know that I am not comfortable around people who are in the habit of knowing things to be Objectively Wrong, and hold forth on them at length, not knowing that I happen to be among the people they're dismissing as Utterly Wrong.

I do know that I am comfortable with Darkside making very specific situational judgements of Right For Me and Wrong For Me. Darkside thought that my involvement with digitalambience was very much Wrong For Me, because he saw me taking damage on a daily basis without corresponding joy. Darkside is in a position to judge Wrong For Me/Right For Me, because he is in a position to know my heart.

I accept that others may find my actions to be wrong for them. I once had sex with a guy, when both he and I thought that my friend had irrevokably dumped him. She thought differently, and there were tears and apologies on all sides when the difficulty came to light.

I cannot accept anyone else's judgement of Objective Moral Wrongness without thorough debate and justification.
  • Current Music
    Little Fayoumis running around with a laser machinegun
sad, greensad

Things that various people think are objectively wrong

Fanfic is objectively wrong.
Bisexuality is objectively wrong.
Homosexuality is objectively wrong.
<insert_religion_here> is objectively wrong.
Slash is objectively wrong.
Sex before marriage is objectively wrong.
Marriage before getting to know the other party is objectively wrong.
Arranged marriage is objectively wrong.
Interracial marriage is objectively wrong.
Slavery is objectively wrong.
Women voting is objectively wrong.
Polyamory is objectively wrong.
Role-playing-type-gaming is objectively wrong.
Censorship is objectively wrong.
Flag-burning is objectively wrong.
Book-burning is objectively wrong.
Divorce is objectively wrong.
Spanking is objectively wrong.
Making an image representative of another person is objectively wrong.
Abortion is objectively wrong.
Banning abortion is objectively wrong.
The Pill is objectively wrong.

...and the list goes on.
wild rose

Poll: Do I pronounce the B in 'subtle'?

Poll #138818 Subtle, like a really big brick

Have I been subtle as to the identity of my Pretty?

Yes: I don't know who it is
Yes: but I figured out who it is, or I asked and someone told
No: you are being blatantly obvious
Huh? You have a Pretty?
I have no idea; I don't read your LJ enough to gauge subtlety
  • Current Mood
    horny horny