June 1st, 2003

running, bomb tech

...

I miss Darkside. I need him.
sad, greensad

Fun. (Anatomy of a panic attack)

I feel bad about getting so obsessive. Every now and then, something attaches importance larger than itself to it, and it suddenly becomes imperative that I know what is going on.

Take, for instance, the monitors.

...Two old, broken-down monitors from DeVry. One mine, on loan to Marx as his old one had blown; one theoretically belonging to the Little Fayoumis, on loan to Enki until such time as his own computer gets delivered.

...And somehow, they get given into the care of Boss to get sold.

My mind works slowly, and I'd missed several key points along the way. So, when everything finally caught up and got put together, I was annoyed. And upset. And, before getting more upset, wanted to know what the hell was going on. And couldn't sleep. And decided that the best course of action was to find out.

So, I tried.

Evidently, I am unable to communicate in a coherent, sane, and adult fashion with my roommates when I am upset.

This inability makes me feel horrible about myself, and makes me wish I had never been born, never come to Phoenix, et cetera.


It is especially bad when I thought that, finally, this time, I was suceeding... and somehow, I wind up to have failed. Again. It makes me wish to give up the proceedings as a bad job, and retreat to somewhere that there is no risk of my being misunderstood. ...It does not help that when I display visible signs of upsetness, those who I'm trying to communicate with don't seem to be getting what I'm trying to communicate, and only respond to the upset, with fear and upset of their own. When I fail to communicate, I panic.

Spiral.

Down.

Bad.

They went to bed, me still failing to communicate. Hurts.



Sit silently on couch another long while, and do the internal battle. Yes, rake nails down arm deeply enough to leave an hour red stripe, not deeply enough to break skin. Once on each arm. Safe release of anguish. Feels so good to feel the pain and know that I don't have to hurt myself more, that this will do. No budget for flying to Alaska, back home. Not the time to call Mama to have her buy me a ticket. Can't give up on college. Can't leave them in the dust with no babysitter. Not the time of night to call Darkside. Not the time of night to call Ro. Don't know where phone card is. So tempting, to think of blood. But shouldn't. Old battle. Gets easier to win every time. Don't have to have the promise of the next Star Trek movie to keep me alive to see it, like back in 1994. 10 years, nearly, still alive. Never once picked up that blade with intent. This time, no cuts, no pinpricks, no nasty scrapes, just two rows of scratches, nearly faded now. Didn't consciously think of Darkside, how I could not die because of him. Wasn't a thought. Wasn't an argument.

Safe to be alone in my room, now. Turn off the lights in living room, make sure door locked. Safety first. Go to room, with phone, close door. Maybe he put the phone card in here? No? Not lock door. Would upset them too much. Sit down at computer. Good. Rainy on. Good. Clergy.

Talked. Barely, at first. Burst out into wild sobs, now that someone had caught me, safe hold me on planet, to life. Explained. She listened. Got virtual hugs. Was what I needed. Not panicking, not doing-everything-to-make-the-crazy-girl-calm-down, just listening, answering questions if I had them, hugs. That's all it takes. I'm not that fucking insane, to be coddled and handled with kidgloves.

...


...
trust, best friends forever, snot-nosed brats

Happy

I woke up in time to call Darkside, who was burning himself a CD to listen to at work, this one his favorites from CDs he already had. Much to my permanent amusement, "White Reflection" is on there.

Teased him that while he is good at listening, he is also good at talking, and that if we were to ask several of his closest friends, they would agree with me that sometimes he can be a blabbermouth.

He challenged that I didn't even know several of his closest friends.

Me, Votania, Dawn, ralmathon... yes I did, Mr. Reads The Contents Of A Gaming Board To Me For Two Hours.

I suggested that next time he comes over here, he should bring over a zip disk so we could give him the second D&D skit when we dig it up. He suggested that we email it to him. "Oh yeah, Mr. Never-checks-his-e-mail."

"I do check it, once in a blue moon... and one of my friends is about to paint his rear end blue."

He had to head off, as he had to shower, get tidied up (And change out of your pajamas? I teased) and yes, change out of his pajamas, and see if his mother had fixed his zipper.

Evidently, one of his work uniforms had developed a problem, this being that whenever he zipped or unzipped the fly, it had a disconcerting tendency of departing from the surrounding fabric on one or both sides. (I managed to keep my drooling silent, so he didn't notice, or chose to ignore it.) "What, you didn't get your sewing merit badge?" "No, but I lettered in Home Ec in junior high..."

We pried ourselves off the phone. His schedule for this week is the same as last. Told him to please wish his father a happy birthday for me.
  • Current Music
    Trillian, votania's copy from the living room
trust, best friends forever, snot-nosed brats

(no subject)

...you see, he'd claimed that he didn't like to talk. This, after I praised his good listening skills. He'd said that they were an acquired skill, and he'd gotten them as he didn't much care for talking, himself.

I pointed out that he did too like to talk.

Silly man.
wild rose

Heh, the reruns.

(quote from an IM conversation) Amusing moment from my past: tears running down face because I had kissed Darkside and he had punched me, prioritizing coding on SQL above crying, and being annoyed about the tears getting in my line of sight.
Azzgrin, Azure: Lunatic, crazy

Everyone needs a wacky sidekick.

I'm accepting applications. Note that as I have multiple personalities, I can also have multiple sidekicks. I think that the sidekick for azurelunatic is votania (though I am equally her sidekick), and it's entirely possible that garnetdagger's sidekick is iroshi. They are plenty wacky enough.

Also, is it fair to have one's romantic interest as a sidekick, or not? Darkside and I are too equal to be sidekicks unless we are mutual sidekicks. We are partners. And then my Pretty is the one who should be tied up and then rescued, or, preferably, rescued and then tied up... *leer*
  • Current Mood
    wacky
Azzgrin, Azure: Lunatic, crazy

OK, leaving.

Movie! Birthday! Yay!

(OK, it's Wednesday. But we'll both be busy then, so Yakky's taking me to see Matrix Reloaded.)
  • Current Mood
    happy happy
Azzgrin, Azure: Lunatic, crazy

Good movie.

Went with yaksha42 to see The Matrix: Reloaded, which was exceptionally delightful, and I want a transcript to pick apart the philosophy and see where it applies to me and mine.

Other than that...
Collapse )

Great movie. I'm going to want to watch it again. Several times.
  • Current Mood
    hyper hyper
running, bomb tech

Question --

Who was it who had the experience with the PTSD treatment where you looked at someone's finger, and it really fucked with your sense of direction afterwards?