June 14th, 2003

pretty, Francine

As the sun, as ever the moon

Went out with easalle, machinegirl, and drgnmstrslash to do strange things in Tempe. Fun was had by all, of course. My coffee was ph34red. I'm very much still awake. We went to the Oasis and had yummy food, after dumping quite a few units of bubbleage into places where it normally is not.

Yay!!

I'm on caffeine, I'm so on it right now... not sure when I'll be sleeping. Hopefully sometime between now and when I head out with Mina for movie.

Great fun. Great, great fun. Mints are much-beloved by dragons, evidently.
  • Current Music
    "Twighlight" (in my head)
Azzcalm, Quiet

So.

Buzzed around the house like a manic hummingbird. Made Brew. easalle and drgnmstrslash showed up; I buzzed around more, and we left to get machinegirl, whose boyfriend thought that our entire mission was somewhat silly.

We went, we scoped out the area, and we wandered around looking casual. My father's lessons in 1337 ninja skills came in handy; only drgnmstrslash was predictably able to follow what I was up to. There was much giggling, and far too many cockroaches. I guess the drains of Tempe are a cockroach haven?

We wound up at the Oasis, having delightful food. I had sheesh kebab, beef, with stuff. Mmmm, yum. I also wound up using the men's room, as there were too many girls all having to go at once. Some pretty damn cute ones, too. (Single-serving bathrooms.)

A fight broke out; we sorta ignored it and danced our way back to the car, looking casual and not-noticing.

Evidently dinner mints are "dragon food"; that is to say, both easalle and drgnmstrslash like them. There was much danceage, including rocking of the car.

I don't remember whether it was two or more moving violations. Zeke and I were highly amused. Well, at least, I was. No police about to see, though; though there were a few when we weren't doing anything wrong.

I did not immediately set off Zeke's gaydar. Amusing. But then, I'm bi, so... yeah.

We dropped off machinegirl and I got to meet her assorted people and kittens, Mephistopholes and the... um... other one. Both black and furry. Meph had fuzzies behind his ears. Kitties!

My coffee was scary.

Homeward bound. I got dropped off, and then went to do laundry. Now I'm still quasi-awake. The cats have managed to flip over votania's tray of beads, so those are alllllll over the floor. I don't know which of them did it, so I don't know who should get the bath. Damn fuzzfaces.
  • Current Music
    Chef ticking
pretty, Francine

Mad leet references and injokes:

"Greenway" now means "Anything that reminds Azz of Darkside and makes her blush and giggle." You see, m'love used to live off Greenway, so I am reminded of him every time I see that street...

"The Communal Hatchling" is another name for votania's little angel, the Little Fayoumis.
  • Current Music
    Chef still ticking, reminding me that my clothes will be dry in 23 minutes
documentation, writing, quill

Shower Meme: popefelix interviews me.

1) In a recent post, you described your father as a mage. Was he an active practitioner, or was his magick unconscious?

2) Give the names, and a brief description, of all the people in your head.

3) Do you ever regret growing up without television for any reason? For example, there's a certain shared cultural background among people of our generation that comes from the television shows we watched as children.

4) Did you become a multiple through some conscious process, or was it in response to some traumatic event?

5) Do you think I'm cute?

Collapse )
  • Current Music
    Nothing.
running, bomb tech

The "Well, DUH" moment: Darkside, multiplicity

The main front, Joanie/Azz, is the mutable one still. All the wisdom and experience and so forth, with the alters as the current specialists.

And I change myself, depending on the group I'm with.

I've said it before, but this time it really hit home: I love Darkside in part due to the fact that no matter who I am with him, he cares about me the same. Many people consciously or unconsciously avoid sides of me, encourage me to show only part of myself, the part that they like the best. He prefers me the way that I am, and he prefers the best parts of me, but does not shun my darkness when it's evident that that's the bit of me that needs the love and attention at some moment.

I like who I am, around him. Even when I'm who I don't like, he encourages me not to hate myself. He likes me best when I'm happy and whole, but doesn't hate me when I'm not, and, most key, doesn't fear me when I'm not.

Even when I'm happiest, with most people, there's still that little bit of me that realizes that I'm blending in, putting on protective coloration, still seeking to become someone who will be accepted.

With him, I don't need to; he takes me as I am, and makes me see who I want to be.
running, bomb tech

Coffee zombie

After trying to get to sleep, I'm still awake. There's a reason I don't have this much caffiene... and it's because it makes me psycho.

Grrrargh.

Did get a nap in. When I caught myself sobbing in frustration that I couldn't go back to sleep, I decided it was time to check the computer again. Because, you know, distracting mind from stuff.
running, bomb tech

*worry #2*

I don't think his father is particularly thrilled with me.

Darkside's, that is.

Right now he's busy with the job hunt. My poor love.
running, bomb tech

More coherent... and still awake.

The antacid was my friend; my stomach's feeling more settled. Damn coffee. I should know better than to OD. I've gotten one hour of sleep, so far, somewhen between seven and eight. I'm thinking about going out; I'm thinking about not. I need to get the music out of my head. Note to self: avoid ODing on music.
running, bomb tech

*grump*

Still awake. Daren't go give plasma until after I sleep and wake up. Cancelled with Mina, as I haven't the foggiest how long I'll sleep after I do crash out, and I fear I'd be in horrible shape, and likely won't wake until after 9, which'll make the plasma question moot anyway.

Joanie no baka, you're not even used to caffiene; what made you think you could take on Brew?
running, bomb tech

Body status

Have slept a few hours.

Have now come down sufficiently from the caffiene that I'm only as jittery as if I've had five cups of coffee. Am still not budging from apartment.
trust, best friends forever, snot-nosed brats

67 minutes...

...of Darkside reading, velvet-voiced, some message boards on "You know you're way overdoing that whole 'monster' thing when..."

I giggled. I asked questions. He patiently explained why each joke was funny, and I giggled appreciatively.

He'd evidently tried to e-mail me the song, but the inbox wasn't big enough. (He actually sent me e-mail!!) Queried which mail box he'd tried sending it to. It had been the correct one... odd. Told him that he could, you know, send me e-mail for other reasons, like, "Hello, I'm alive..." "But what if I'm not? What if I'm... a lich?" I told him that as a cleric, I would probably notice. He contested this idea, and we verbally fenced with amusement.

Told him about battle_of_wit; told him he might appreciate it. I think I'll e-mail him linking to it. My silly.

I let him know that I'd still like to play that game he was plotting, perhaps at my graduation, as Dawn would be back in town then. He asked when that would be. Sadly, it won't be for a while...

My odds of going to see a movie with him sometime soon are truly sad.

Fiercely reminded him that part of my being his friend meant that when things are making him less than happy, then I am concerned about it. He's learned so much about being a good friend the same way that I learned about being intelligent and staying out of trouble in high school (from glaring counterexamples) that he doesn't know what to do when someone actually is a good friend to him. He'll wrap his mind around it one of these days. There's very little rush, and every reason to not push the issue.

I warned him when it was ten. I warned him when it was ten-fifteen. When he finally said, "I'll have to let you go," I made a clumsy joke about having to get a crowbar to pry him off of me. "Off the phone, you mean," he said, and failed to deny the necessity.
  • Current Music
    R.E.M., "What if we give it away", Life's Rich Pageant
documentation, writing, quill

Depression (and I'm still hanging on: can't hurt Darkside like that, can't abandon my obligations)

My father used to rail that suicide was "a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

The problem is, that depression doesn't just go away. It may be gone for a while, but it's lurking around the corner somewhere, just waiting to strike at any sign of weakness. You know it's there, and you know it's always coming back, that it's never going to let you have peace.

I would have straight As in school, a fucking 4.0 average, if some days didn't whisper to me that it's not worth the bother of getting out of bed.

Triggers for depression come and go. But how do you fight something that'll just co-opt a new innocent event to take over your mind and body? You can learn to work around this insecurity, that trauma. But the fifth, the tenth, the fiftieth, the hundredth time you've learned how to say "Fuck you" and not "pass the knife" over something, you wonder where it's going to hit next, what thing is going to make you a raving maniac or just shut-down silent this next time. And you think about everything there is in the world, and you wonder how many times you're going to have to do this shit.

And you know that if you were smart enough, strong enough, you could beat this, but you're not.

And some days you do wish you had the guts to just fix it. It's a permanent problem. Sometimes it's in remission, and when it's in remission, it's wonderful... but it's always going to come back.
  • Current Mood
    disappointed disappointed
running, bomb tech

Addendum to the depression post:

I'm doing mostly fine. Just a spot of odd sleeping patterns, which goes into a feedback loop with the apathy. Been slacking on housework too. Am afraid I'll get hurt if I venture where unknown triggers lurk.

But I was moved to rant.