June 18th, 2003

high energy magic

Books and Horoscopes

The more I've been reading The Deed of Paksennarion, the more I'm liking it, and the more I'm identifying with her (despite my presence of a blazing and brilliant sexual/romantic drive, which she seems to have been constructed without).

I've been hearing the call of the ambassador-of-the-holy position for quite some time now. My father's Quaker background stressed that each responsible adult person was to be held accountable for their own spiritual self, that all of us were capable of this. Yet I see so many people who neglect that side of themselves, who allow themselves to become with stunted souls, not knowing which way to walk first.

And then there are those who know that they have more to them than just what the everyday eye sees, but no way to see it in themselves, no practice in reading the signs that will guide them towards further knowledge.

Am I not a little better-equipped to read the guideposts than they are? Am I not supposed to take careful, knowing looks at their lives, when they ask me to, and ask the right questions that get them back on track?

Gemini Horoscope for week of June 19, 2003


Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The first thing they tell you when you enter law school is that there is no justice. The cruel truth is that every legal process is tainted with favoritism and prejudice. In this realm where objectivity is supposedly the supreme value, subjectivity is rampant. The outcome of judicial decisions may hinge as much on human error and the unruly power of the imagination as on the naked facts. Once you accept all that as a given, then and only then will you have the potential to become a potent force for fairness and impartiality. While you're probably not starting law school right now, Gemini, similar principles will apply to the challenges you'll face in the coming weeks.

Paks knows things. She can see things, sense things, do things that others can't. She's driven.

I feel that same drive. It calls me in my blood as I read about her. She finds it difficult to follow human authority. I fear and delight that I will find that same certainty within myself, that I will know right and wrong, that I shall be my own moral compass, that when I cross-check myself against my peers, I will have remained steady on.

We're taught to fear what happens when we stop checking with others what's right and what's not right. Sociopaths do that.

Sociopaths... and paladins.

I hope to not be a sociopath.

Cancer Horoscope for week of June 19, 2003


Cancer (June 21-July 22)
"It is impossible for man to look straight at the present," noted media prophet Marshall McLuhan, "because he is too terrified by it. We stand on the stern of the ship looking at the wake and saying, 'We're in very troubled waters.'" I'm presenting you with McLuhan's theory, my fellow Cancerian, because you are now poised to refute it. It's true that lately you've been fixated on turmoil unleashed in the past; it's as if you've been peering out of a portal in a tiny room at the back of a fine yacht and moaning, "Everything feels cramped and I'm in troubled waters." But I predict that any minute now you will leave your cramped quarters, bound upstairs, and stride to the front of the ship.
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documentation, writing, quill

Admin: the Friends Roundup

Hello to illandaria, hailing from... um... somewhere that she mentioned in her hello comment, which I have promptly forgotten.

Hello to chryssaliss, hailing from the Nexus in the vicinity of the lovely and animated shadesong.

Farewell to jeni.

Hello to community battle_of_wit, brainchild of the incomparable sithjawa, to which place I have sent the dread lord Darkside, if he deigns to participate, that little sneaky son of a-- *snicker* Right. Wit-battling, forthwith, which is to be fun and stuff.

Automatic friendback is disabled due to the Friends List of Doom being timesuck. I am high-volume, and am cool with randoms commenting and saying hi. (Lurkers, represent?) Feel free to hang around if I don't friend you back. (If you bother me, I'll let you know.)

Anybody got any questions?
running, bomb tech

Those midnight fears

I wonder if I'm ever going to be one of those Queens of the Internet. shadesong does it so well.

I'd like to be one of those well-known and respected women, with an impeccably-written public life, and face-to-face friends who are online as well...


And I'd like to be rich and beautiful while doing all of this.
Santa Lucia, Ritual, _schools16931

the nature of pain

I've been frustrated as holy fuck-all, or not-fuck-all, this past week or so. Those linked to me can attest to that. One person's been getting flashes of HORNY every so often; others can merely feel the painful frustration.

The great thing is, though, that I've barely been cumulatively noticing it.

I notice it at the time. It hurts, like twelve square inches of thigh-pinching folded together on itself. But I can ignore it. I've had years of practice in ignoring it, in going on as if I didn't feel my body urging me to go ahead and get fucked. At the end of the day, I don't feel as if I've been aching all day, as if there's something that I need that I'm missing.

I've cheated, a little. I've given myself feather-touches, caresses, but knowing that I won't go all the way, that I won't head towards orgasm. It burns, a tired muscle, tired from holding too-tight-not-tight-enough, in a state of constant vigilance.

Through this, I remain serene, if slightly ruffled by my physical tension. I am loved. I hear it in the warmth of a voice, the way my calls are answered. I am trusted. My family loves me. A child adores me and depends on me.

So I'm not getting any. So what. This has gone beyond 'not getting any by ethical constraint' to 'not getting any by choice'. I've figured out a workaround, and gone far enough to know that yes, it will work, it does work -- before backing off.

I'm saving up this energy for something. I'm not sure what, as yet. Perhaps Friday, Saturday, Sunday will show me?

I see the temptation to call this a 'reclaimed virginity'. But it's not. It's more than that. It's a deliberate retention of my sexual energy for a purpose, I know not what yet. I do this with certain knowledge of what I'm missing out on while I wait. I think it takes more -- something -- this way than if I did not know what I was missing out on. I don't do this for fear of sin, now, but for curiousity, and for the certainty that I am doing something meaningful, something that I will later delight in.
running, bomb tech

Final final

Had fun with Demland's final. As I'd been warned, it was an RPG -- two of us were customers, three were developers, two were monitors, trying for an Extreme Programming experience.

As a developer, I managed to deter the customers from getting the feature that would have the container for the basketballs following the guy around by suggesting implementing it as a belt and tether to the ball basket, and calling it a "strap on".

This was further complicated by their requirement that the ball basket be at least 36" high, leading to me calling it a "thirty-six-inch strap-on".
running, bomb tech

Guh. Now they tell me.

A certain LJ user who knows who she is went on a sex-fast for some time, pushing impure thoughts from her mind when they arose, replacing them with a neutral image.

It so happened that there was some royal SOME, as in the "getting some" variety at the end of this quest of hers, and almighty spells were cast.

Silly that I was, in comments I replied, "That would be a cool thing for me to do", or "I wish I could do that", or words to that effect and intent.

Well now.