June 22nd, 2003

running, bomb tech

*facepalm* Wouldn't that just be silly.

It would probably be hilarious if the reason that I feel sexually submissive to my ideal male mate, and sexually dominant to my ideal female mate is because of the chickens.

Have you ever watched chickens having sex? The rooster trips over his wing in a courtship dance, putting his wing down and sidling over to the hen of his fancy. If she's feeling receptive, she freezes in place, wings spread ever so slightly, so it's painfully obvious that he's supposed to hop on top and do his thing.

As far as I'd seen, the only chickens who might be termed 'bisexual' had been older hens, more dominant ones, who took to crowing in their old age, and may have occasionally tripped over their wings at less-prominent hens. (Calamity, the teenage rooster, had been so horny that he would on occasion fuck a stump. That chick was a problem and a misfit; it rarely does well to raise a chick, especially one who should be an alpha rooster, by himself with little socialization and then introduce him to an established society.)

I learned so much about how to interact with others from watching chickens. When a rooster wants a hen, he will trip over his wing at her; the hen will either walk off, knock him on the noggin with her beak, or squat submissively for him. So, in order for chickens to successfully have sex, the hen has to be submissive (or somewhat squished).

I always identified more with the dominant hens, treating them as equals and the submissive hens like children.


If substantial ideas about sexuality are formed before the age of ten... heh.
running, bomb tech

My unique interests:

8 of swords, cult of josh, death swill, dream treatments, duct tape sword guys, egyptian fayoumi, library monkeys, mud cult, n00b power, sithjawa, talented yeeth, the goddess brew, there is no conspiracy, to annoy and confuse, yeeth.


8 of Swords:

The Tarot card. The card of the Minor Arcana that often stands for me.


Cult of Josh

The cult that my first fiancée and I formed in worship of pyrogenic. It was a CTY thing.


Death Swill

I suppose that by drinking this stuff, I became a Death Eater. It was this coffee that Fuzzy used to make. DAMN was that stuff... well. Take the strongest vending machine coffee that you can make. Chug. Then, elaborate on the same theme yourself at home. Evil. My own coffee is a logical descendant of this.


dream treatments

I'm still not exactly sure what these are, but given how much anime and magic intersect, I'd have thought that surely someone else would list it as an interest. Darkside from Darkside Blues (the dark-haired guy in my userpic keyworded Darkside) gives people "dream treatments" to help them with stuff they're going through.


Duct-tape sword-guys

Boffer fighters. Games of Adventure. Tupperware Warriors. foamfighting. PVC pipe, foam padding, duct tape. I miss the good ol' days...


Egyptian Fayoumi

Those wacky chickens I grew up with. votania terms them "chaos chickens". They are often used in chicken genetic research, and evidently have a serious mean streak.


Library Monkeys

The group I hung with in high school. We hung in front of the library. We were weird. It was first given as an insult by the other kids, and then the group adopted it with pride. It was already well-established before we took it over.


Mud Cult

Another CTY thing. There was rain, and rain meant mud; there was an informal "let's go play in the mud" thing. CLN.95.1


n00b power

I have no idea why I added this, except that it must have seemed like a good idea at the time. It must refer to the power of newbies, or power that should go to newbies.


sithjawa

Well, duh.


Talented Yeeth

"Yeeth" is the plural of Youth. It's a CTY thing.


The Goddess Brew

This is the logical descendant of Death Swill. Only it's mutated. It's coffee, it's chocolate, it's evil, and it will give you a serious caffiene rush if you dare drink some. It's the stuff that kept me up for a day and a half.


there is no conspiracy

None. Not a single one. Not at all. Nope. <fnord>


to Annoy and Confuse

The mission of the Spammish Inquisition. It was a CTY thing. CLN.95.2


Yeeth

Again, the plural of "youth", CTY style. CLN.95.1, Alice S. Tsay. I think.
documentation, writing, quill

Personality management

Marah, while she was out yesterday, decided that we should make a chart of inheritance for the personallities, since we know who's who, and it would be useful to see where the skills and traits got divided up.

We're going to start from birth.


(And yes, I've been more visibly not-one-whole-unit lately, and I've been deliberately going along with that. When I don't, things get jumbled, and I would rather be one entire stained-glass work with the metal firmly between the pieces, dividing and holding together, than an undivided pile of shards.)
  • Current Mood
    creative creative
Santa Lucia, Ritual, _schools16931

Boy clothes

I'm sick of having to wear boy clothes all the time.

I know that they are nice, they are cheap, and they are black. I just want nice girl clothes that fit. You know, dresses? Nice long dresses? Yes, I know that we'll have to wear shorts underneath, but that's not the point. I look better in dresses, and I'm getting sick of skirts, and none of the tops we have look good with skirts anyway.

And when we dress up!

We have plenty of girl clothes for just every day. That's not bad. There are skirts, and the tank tops are great... the shirts that go over are a little iffy, but those are fine for casual.

But for, like, interviewing, getting a job, it would be nice to wear a jacket that buttons across the boobs for once, and doesn't look all lumpy. I don't think you'll find that with guys' suits.

And the top/bottom thing is getting a little old. I want to be able to put on my underwear and put on a dress. Do you know how long it's been since we've worn a proper dress? Since you got those horrible things that keep falling apart because the boobs are too big. That's how long. Pants and skirts every now and then are nice, but not every day.
  • Current Mood
    determined determined
documentation, writing, quill

HP Fanfic challenges I must do someday:

Finish that MPREG, where the MPREG is actually a plot point that has a reason to be there, rather than Author's Personal Kink. (MPREG is a squick of mine, actually.)

Write some good Ron/Hermione.

Write some Ron/Draco.

Write some good Sirius/Remus.

Now that Ginny is evidently to develop a personality, write some good Hermione/Ginny.
  • Current Mood
    determined determined
running, bomb tech

Things about people.

1. Despite genetics, we've been related for a long, long time. Thanks for agreeing to marry me.

2. I'm not sure whether they really do exist or not, but nonetheless, I enjoy hearing you talk about them.

3. The usual story: friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend, meet online, mutual crush, meet offline and hit it off!

4. We've known each other from even before I established an online presence, and we didn't hit it off quite as well as other legendary meetings, but just as fast...

5. I hope we get along this well or better once we inevitably become local to each other.

6. The 'Net allows for some really weird quirks of fate sometimes, and I'm pleased to re-make your acquaintance.

7. I am utterly flattered that you would think me interesting enough to pay attention to. Call it that whole celebrity thing.

8. Well, of course I've been flirting with you, though I doubt it's going to go much of anywhere, because I'm so thoroughly tied up with m'love at the moment. But hey, it's still lots of fun, which is the whole point.

9. I'd flirt more with you, but I'm afraid I accidentally said or did something to make your wife upset with me. It's probably just who I am, though.

10. Somehow, all the bullshit in your life gets your amazing philosophical insight applied to it. Of course, this flaming light of insight and reason also draws argumentative idiots like the proverbial moths.

11. Not only do I post more than you do, I post way more than you do. But I make up for it by not having quite as many friends.

12. One of my very oldest LJ friends, from back in the day when there was no such thing as an LJ code. Ahh, those sleepless nights of ICQ and AIM, and that frustrated post on that forum that brought us together.

13. We hardly ever see each other offline, mostly because I'm a hermit and dislike disruption to my safe routines.

14. We don't see each other half as often as we should, which is a pity, because we get along so well.

15. We've been getting some really valuable insight on all this shit, yes we have. *nods*

16. Sorry about freaking you out that one time. I still haven't the foggiest why I aimed your way.

17. I wish I could find the right time to say to you all the things I need to. I hope we'll get the chance, because you probably have things to say to me too, things that I never could anticipate.

18. I counted. There are only three people on my friends list that I've had sex (genital-to-genital interpretation) with. You're one of them.

19. Not only are you older than me, but there are more of you!

20. "Say the word and I will follow you. ... Anywhere you go, let me go too."


Answers will be taken off private when enough people have guessed if they're on there, who they are, and who some of the others are.
running, bomb tech

Yay!

I have impeccable timing. I called Darkside right in the middle of his breakfast. I wished him a happy birthday.

He has today off. He kind of requested it off. Go, him.

*preens*

He's nice.
high energy magic

Dichotomy

To mark something as sacred & untouchable in a faith that is known for turning funky shit on its ear and laughing at itself harder than anyone else, while maintaining a rather stunned and joyful and sorrowful awe at the Weirdness/Funkiness of it All just strikes me as wrong.

Which, I suppose, is yet another bloody aspect of shit getting turned on its ear.
  • Current Mood
    uncomfortable uncomfortable
loud fayoumis

Arizona is scary, part 365...

So I turn on the tap and water comes out.

In Arizona, the cold water from the sink is warmer than the water that's been sitting at room temperature all night.
  • Current Mood
    shocked shocked
Little Fayoumis, Nephew

Parent & kid things...

Every kid should have a way to play noisily, saying the same goddamn thing over and over and over if they bloody well want, with noisy toys... ...somewhere that the parents don't have to be disturbed by it.

Kids should be conditioned out of making those heart-stopping "my baby's getting murdered" noises unless they are in actual trouble as soon as possible.

The heart-stopping drop-it-all-and-run response when you hear your baby's voice shrieking with the "I'm about to get murdered" scream is conditioned, not genetic.

Kids should have the Constitutional right to have stuff explained to them correctly, in words that they can understand, when they ask about stuff, as soon as they're capable of understanding it.

Kids are capable of understanding it a lot sooner than you'd think; you just have to use the right words to hold the concepts.

Spongebob Squarepants is a thrall of the Demon Prince of Disgustingly Moronic, and should therefore be shunned by all except for the other thralls of the Demon Prince of Disgustingly Moronic.

All children's shows should be fun for kids, with enough cleverness and actual thought put into them to make them palatable to adults. (Sesame Street did a good job of that, with things that the kids utterly missed that had the adults in stitches.)
  • Current Mood
    pensive pensive
running, bomb tech

More terrors

Ever since Friday, I've been feeling like a really bad parent.

I think I'm doing the right things. I'm driving on instinct and my memories of how my parents did it, and my memories of the things I should steer clear of.

(Incidentally, I just answered a question today with, "Because." LF was repeating, "Whyyyy not?" over and over and over again because it was funny to him, and so I answered, "Because!" in amused exasperation. He howled with laughter.)

I don't communicate well, offline. I'm coming to see that in sharp, painful clarity. The Little Fayoumis understands quite a bit of what I say, and accepts me. The rest of my here-family accepts me without understanding. ...There's a difference. There's a palpable difference. He knows what I mean, and I know what I mean, and he behaves himself for me, and ...

... and the upshot is that I wind up feeling like a lousy parent because my co-parents don't understand me.

It's worst with Marx. He's a good friend, and as long as we understand each other, we get along excellently.

I don't understand how he interacts with the Little Fayoumis. It terrifies me when they get angry with each other. He doesn't understand me when I interact with the Little Fayoumis.

Like a hot gold wire pulled through a screen, my patience is extended...
sad, greensad

Depression (again)

It's the time of month for the battle. Maybe one of these days I can get Marah's help, rather than have her fall prey to it. After yesterday, I'm thinking of her as my second chance. I'm thinking of all of us as our second chance. We are reincarnated in the body whole.

...Every time I think of curling and weeping, every time I do fall prey to it, I pray, plead, beg, "Don't let him see me like this."

"Him", of course, is Darkside, who is allowed to see me in any state that I'm in. I love him, trust him, and despise looking weak in front of him. He pulls me apart anyway, but I never want him to see me when I'm already apart... and no one else comprehends me like he does.

Don't let him see me this way. I fall apart, and I want to be whole for the man who wants to make sure I get put back together...

I'm ashamed to be seen by him like that. I want him to think of me as tidy, happy, together... and he knows me too well to ever fully believe it. I'm glad he knows me, and I'm glad he doesn't let me get away with just pretending to be whole...

...Perhaps that's how he does it. He knows me well enough that I can't fool him, and he wants to see me whole, and I want him to see me whole, so in order for me to do my chameleon-thing, I have to shift towards true healing...
  • Current Mood
    sad sad
running, bomb tech

Second chances, multiples

It seems that two of me, Marah and N%, are not-quite freeze-frames of me at different ages. Not the original personality, but composites, as I would have been at those ages.

Of course, we all benefit from the shared experience and the new skills.

But she is sixteen, and she is seven.

We have the chance to raise ourselves again, to nurture us properly, to bring those fragments into maturity. How it would have been without asshole children putting me at the bottom of the pecking order. How it would have been without Shawn.

Marah was so bright, so eager, so happy yesterday. I'd never seen her like that before. She wants to do well. She's as eager/reluctant to grow up as any teenager. I let her out and went to sleep, so she didn't have me hanging over her shoulder, didn't just get let out when she burst out with uncontainable emotion. Realized in the car that when I got all moody and irrational when I got too tired, it might not just be how it was; it might be someone else. So I let her out, and was rewarded with results beyond hope.
running, bomb tech

Different views in the database of the mind.

It seems that we all have different memories of our father.

N% remembers the brilliant, enthusiastic teacher, always up for trying out a new project and seeing what would happen, explaining science with great joy, encouraging us to do anything and everything.

Marah remembers the man who was too quick to anger, who spanked too hard and not for good reason, who could not hear the difference between children being children and children being bad.

Dagger remembers facing down the monster, and finding that it was no monster, but an overgrown spoiled brat who sulked off quietly now that his tantrum had been interrupted. "And he never did that again!" is the satisfying end to the story.

I see the man he is now, I suppose. Grandfather to the neighborhood (I use a loose definition of the word, in that the kids he grandfathers are the kids of the communities he participates in rather than the actual literal immediate surrounding area), ham radio buff, violin student, retiree, aging as gracefully as you can if sometimes you have two left feet. He reminds me of Aral Vorkosigan.
sad, greensad

Where every choice is a really bad one...

There are some conversations, ones dealing with my depression and things that trigger it, that I don't want to have around the Little Fayoumis, or even when he's awake.

I don't feel secure enough in myself to bring them up when it's obvious that everyone's tired at the end of the day, either.

If I talk about it when everyone's grumpy already, I'll be making things worse and it'll be my fault. It always is my fault, because I'm the one who calls the family meeting or makes it necessary to be called, and then I cry.

If I try to talk about it when everyone's happy, it's my fault because I'll make everyone upset.

If I try to talk about it when people don't have to go to bed immediately, I'm interrupting their recreation/movie/game time.

If I try to talk about it when people aren't trying to game or anything, I'm interrupting bedtime.


Family meetings don't work if I can't call them, and I'm afraid to.
running, bomb tech

(no subject)

...and so I wait until it is so bad that a family meeting must be called, regardless of convenience, and then it is my fault for waiting so long and not calling one immediately.
running, bomb tech

And then...

...everything is so much less bad after a few tears and a short nap.