July 10th, 2003

running, bomb tech

Feet

My feet have been doing that 'Hello, I'm retaining water' thing for days.

Today and part of yesterday, that had mostly gone down.

This morning, my right foot is pretty much just fine.

My left foot, the one that had the mirror fall on it, is all puffy and not feeling good.

So I'm out of commission for today, too.
running, bomb tech

Hugs & love

Feeling fairly fragile today. I suspect that lack of sleep is somewhere implicated.

Fragile, unfortunately, means that all of Marah's defenses are up, so unless you know how to get past Marah, you're likely to not do much good if you try to soothe me.

I'm glad that I know how that's happening. Before, I would say, "I'm feeling fragile and unloved, but I'm more likely to punch you out than let you touch me unless you're Darkside." Which is an exact description of how things are, but sounds so fucking insane without having the reasons behind it.

So, yeah.

And guarding me when I'm like this is Marah's department, not Dagger's. Dagger guards *others*. She guards N% and Marah and external people, and is available to me to direct, and will guard from a palpable external threat, like someone breaking in, but it's Marah's job to guard socially, to hunt out the little cues that mean someone will be using this against me later, someone is a dick, someone's not worthy of trust.

So, when I'm fragile, when the wrong word could send me spiralling in utterly the wrong direction, Marah doesn't allow anyone close. Unless they are known to me, and known to her, and trustworthy with us as judged by her, no soap.

iroshi is, with garnetdagger's supervision, as there are things that she doesn't pick up on by herself, that need clarification.
Darkside is, because he knows what to say.
ralmathon is, because he knows how to say it.
Dawn is, because she is the embodiment of 'knows what not to say' and the universal wish to know what to say.

Everybody else... Marah has to think about. Or else she already knows.
running, bomb tech

Social

The Little Fayoumis is getting better about the idea of friends around sometimes but not all the time.

I told him that today was not a good day for his friends to come over. They came up to the door, and he told them so. No pestering me, no crying afterwards, no crying when I told him in the first place.

But then, on the other hand, he came up to me and was not polite in the way he phrased his request for me to put a video up on the shelf.


I'm grouchy today, so the phrasing "Since it's before three, then you could give me my soda!" got the response "Not if you ask like that!" which prompted him huffing off and talking with his invisible friends.


The latest interest is Samurai Jack.
running, bomb tech

Snobbery, bigotry

Instead of skin tone, religion, or any of the usual, my bigotry-point is intelligence.

If I think someone's an idiot, I will shun them, or even mock them. It's a very common thing to be bigoted about, but that's what it is.

Coming face-to-face with some of the things I don't like about me.

After all, someone doesn't have to be bright to be pleasant. Someone can spell 'pregnant' as 'pregnate' [a new peeve, courtesy of some folks in a parenting community or two] (you impregnate someone, making them pregnant) and still have valuable insights, and be a real human being. Someone can be a brilliant conversationalist and a shitty writer... or a brilliant writer and an asshole.

The reason I'm harping on this so much lately? For the longest time, I insisted (to myself) that I had very few points of prejudice, and no bigotry.

We're all assortedly blind, I guess.