Didn't get in touch with him yesterday. That's all right, as I've hit a comfort-point with being in contact with him. If I talk to him at length almost every day for over a week, skipping a few days here and there does not distress me. This is as it should be.
I like it when I have to explain certain things to people, because that helps me understand it better myself. Last night, I explained to marxdarx
the fact that when I get off the phone with Darkside, I'm either bouncy and way too happy, or I'm very quiet, with a whole lot of undirected emotional energy lurking just below the surface. I'm also very suggestible, as if I were coming slowly out of hypnosis. marxdarx
said this sounded dangerous. I said that it was, and would be very dangerous with anyone but Darkside.
Darkside is taking me, slowly but surely, with my active cooperation, from being someone who unhealthily depends on someone, anyone, trustworthy or no, to being independant and ass-kicking. As an interim stage, I depend on him, as he is trustworthy. But he's kicking my ass into being able to stand on my own. This is a plan I agree with, though it was entered relatively unconsciously.
Part of it, paradoxically, is learning the ability to ask for help when I need it. When I don't, things get so bad that I require help in a way that cannot be refused by anyone ethical/sane. When I do ask for help before it's non-critical, there's a choice whether to help me or not, a valid choice, and it's ethically better for me, as I'm not forcing anyone to help me by giving them the unfelicitous choice of being a good human being and helping me or being a rat bastard and ignoring my pain and not helping me.
It's a long, slow, hard thing to be doing, but I'm a lot happier with myself now.
Back to the hypnosis, though. After I come out of a conversation with him, I'm very quiet and suggestible, much of the time. It's a side effect, rather like how you should be very careful around azi when they're coming off kat.