January 15th, 2004

running, bomb tech

CIT psych

swallowtayle and I were just wondering what would have happened to Mama if she'd been raised by different parents.

This was after I described Darkside as being like Mama's ideal son, grown up gamergeek.

One of the things that Mama said, a thing I'll always remember, when Mama and I discussed my sexual orientation: "I know I raised you girls to make up your own minds about stuff, but I didn't expect you to actually do it!" That's how it is with many parents, I suspect. It probably was that way with her own.

Her mother raised her. She raised us. I'm helping raise Little Fayoumis. V is actually much like Mama, I think. Mama never gave much away.

I want swallowtayle to meet Darkside, see what they do around each other. A test. Not of her, gods know. That ... would not be good, and was Shawn. But see what she thinks of him.

He thinks that what he does for me, did for me rescuing me, was no big deal.

Doors opening, moments to grab and twist and reclaim.

keys, operator: Darkside

The intimacy isn't up to entire truths, yet. It's still at that point where I have to toss bits and scraps of the things that are important to me, so as not to overwhelm him with too much of me at once.

That was a big one, I think.

He's learned to patch around some of my worse sensitivities, and is courteous of those he knows. Today, he had an amusing mental image, and patched it so I could share in it; I've learned not to rip his patches off, as I trust he means for me to have the patched version, not the buggy raw stuff. He's learning the social skills to interact with me kindly, more kindly than he would were I a random unknown. But then, a random unknown wouldn't be so sensitive to him, not unless they were operating broken. He's never had to play Supervisor before, never had to patch an Alpha. But he's learning.

He's wary of me trusting him too much, of a sudden. It'll take time to rebuild, after I withdrew. And I did withdraw. Since summer, I did withdraw.

The thing that makes it work so well is that he knows me so well. When he doesn't know me, it fades. So to keep it there, I have to keep giving him bits of me, so he'll integrate them if he chooses to, so I'll recognize him. Constant emotional immune recognition. His puns dampen my immune responses. "So, find a girl named Dew." I already have too much of him; I need (for my sake as well as his) to return that with bits of me.

Stimulus, response.

I deconstruct us here. Maybe all of this angstwanking will be useful someday. Help some poor sap reconstruct their own mind, debug a relationship. Gods know I wouldn't make it public otherwise.

When our minds entwine, whose privacy is it? Here, we all know his nickname, not his common nickname, but a nickname he picked for a one-off joke. The logs of that are long dead, but the nickname endures because I say it shall. He has other names, that I shall not repeat here. There is his birthname; in the household, he has become, when I say it, 'the' [birthname]; he is the one who matters most to me, though I know others of that name. There is the name that I've spoken only to him. There's the name he calls himself. There is the name that others call him. Some of those names line up. Some of them don't. None of them are for this narrative.

When I internalize the bits he gives me, whose bits are they? Did he release them to me under a GPL of mind and soul? They're surely not rented, and I may make derivative works, but how much of the original source code may go public? Is there a percentage? Are there segments that are protected and segments that are not?

I'm seeing pixels in my field of vision, again. Photomanips in Paint -- love it. Ha! I'm the Queen. He's the King. We're of separate kingdoms -- bad timing, no time -- related but isolated.

Today he made room from his nap. *boggles* Um....

...this man has no time. By this I mean, he works full-time, he commutes, he's on a heavy job search. He has no time. And he made room for me.
running, bomb tech

Civil rights starts early.

Little Fayoumis has been learning about Dr. King in class, because of the upcoming holiday, and he was talking about following the rules, but the good rules, and getting rid of the bad rules.

I asked him if he knew of any rules that were bad rules; if he could change any rules, which ones would they be?

He started talking about the "White Only" and "Black Only" signs, and how those were bad rules. We established that those were pretty much in the past, and yes, those had been very bad rules.

I introduced a new bad rule to him: what happens if a girl wants to get married to another girl, or a guy wants to get married to another guy? Right now, only a guy and a girl are allowed to get married to each other, not two girls or two guys. [Co-worker of Mommy's] and [her SO], like them. They could say that they were married, but the rules say they can't be married! Those are bad rules.

Yes, the Little Fayoumis agreed. Those are indeed bad rules, and they should be changed.

Civil rights.
loud fayoumis

Is she even for real?

From an interview with Liv Tyler (Arwen)
TW: So how has married life changed you?
LT: Aren’t we talking about Lord of the Rings?

TW: No offense, but you’re only in a few minutes of this movie.
LT: Well my whole journey with this film has been interesting, because when I originally signed on to do it, Arwen was completely different. Changing her meant I wasn’t in the movie nearly as much, but the character would be represented much better and in a more beautiful way that was more appropriate for the story. So I had to be okay with that, and I’m comfortable with it, because I think it’s a really important element to the story as a whole, and also to the character of Aragorn.
  • Current Mood
    confused confused
running, bomb tech

High School

When I was a freshman, I was mistaken for a teacher at least once, in the hallway, and more often mistaken for a junior or a senior.

This was because I wasn't a dumbass.

But then, I started hanging out with a dumbass, and ruined my reputation.
flaming, angry


It has begun.

We are computer geeks here, and we do stuff literally and precisely. I just edited the Little Fayoumis's homework for the first time.

things you do: color green
names of things: color blue
how things look: color red

Trouble: the word "fast".
In context, it is clear to an adult who can see the pattern that it is a "how things look" word. It was so very not clear to Little Fayoumis.

Black marker time. Cross out "how things look", write in "descriptive words". Refrain from calling homework designers "morons". Also refrain from explaining to Little Fayoumis about the action of fasting, even though the homework designers are morons and/or culturally unaware.

By the fourth grade or earlier, swallowtayle and I found that most of the stupid worksheets insulted our considerable intelligence. Hey, remember Professor Ben Around?
Little Fayoumis, Nephew

Censorship and Parenting (what I plan to do)

From a discussion over in ataniell93's neck of the woods, on what an actual honest-to-gods parent thinks of the whole fandom_scruples thing, and what their plans or practices for censoring or monitoring their kid's internet experience is:

Little Fayoumis is not really online much, and he's not fully reading yet. He's on one and two syllable words, at grade level with first grade. As such, lots of innuendo goes ZIP over his head. I was reading all kinds of stuff when I was a kid, and it does very much go over the head. I went back and re-read some of the Star Trek that I'd been reading, and I was shocked, et cetera, that I'd been reading it, because it was so very racy.

We've explained that we need to watch any R-rated movies *first*, to see why they get the R rating, and then we can decide whether it's appropriate for him to watch them or not. We look at scary, gross, and confusing. He gets to watch most of Matrix: Reloaded; we'll have him leave the room for the Trinity/Neo sex, and have him not watch the cheesecake bit.

He gets to watch Strongbad (http://www.homestarrunner.com/) and some South Park. He does *not* get to watch Happy Tree Friends (http://www.happytreefriends.com/); he does get to play Mortal Kombat.

My parents requested that I please not read any Sweet Valley High books, because they were trash. (Every now and then, I would sneak a few home from the school library. I don't think they ever found out.) I plan to find some particularly disgusting but harmless series of books to bitch, whine, moan, and complain about ("Oh, god, you're reading that crap? Bleugh.") so he feels like he's getting one over on me. For anything that I have a serious problem about him reading, I will explain carefully to him why I don't think it's a good idea that he be exposed to it at this point in time, and request that he not get into it, but say that if he is exposed to it, that he may and should ask me about the things about it that scared and/or confused him.

When he does get to reading stuff online, I will teach him to look at the ratings and read the summaries first. We're probably going to let him read PG-13 and below stuff, when he gets to reading. If he sees an R-rated or above fic that he really wants to read, he should ask us to read it first and see if we think that it's OK for him to read it. If we don't think it's OK, and he still wants to read it, I'll probably just go through and snip out the way-too-intense bits and replace them with summaries if possible. "There was a lot of kissing and mushy stuff."

I do appreciate it when authors of really interesting stories make it easy on anyone who wants to skip the sex bits, by saying something like "NC-17 rated chapter; $CHARACTER and $CHARACTER have some private time together. Not important to plot. Click here to read their private scene; click here to skip and continue with story."
running, bomb tech


Anyone know offhand the (Chinese or Japanese) character for "panda"? easalle wants to know.
running, bomb tech

Birthday Call

Happy Birthday, rainstorm13!

You are an excellent friend, colleague, and source of information on the mindset of military brats!

Oh, yes, and thank you for helping me coin the word "angstwanking".