May 3rd, 2004

running, bomb tech

Stuff, and also things: Work, home, images.

Work was decent. No strippers, no screamers. Did run into someone who recognized me. Must patch pants and make new Tarot bag. I read Tanya Huff's The Second Summoning over break and disrupted the lunch room giggling about genitalia, et cetera.

I was remarkably out of it all day at work today. I did get some interesting stuff accomplished: namely, I hacked on my head a bit, or tried to, based on the stuff that came up yesterday (Saturday) when doing my bit on Beltane for that year-long project. I've got a major head blockage, and gods know when that came about, but it's clearly been there for a while, it's at least three metaphysical inches thick (and I'm used to having tissue-thickness veils inside; even the walls I put up in general are usually less than an inch), and it's definitely been contributing to some of the things I've noticed in my personal life. In fact, the symptoms it causes have been around for ... years.


So I was half-tranced trying to deal with that, so most of the day just skated by me.

Came home to nicely spiffily cleaned place. Will have to remind roommates to snag new air filters with rent, if they haven't already. Also, mailing things. And xeroxing things. Yep.

Tried putting together an icon, with a rock and waves and
"Last night in my dreams
I was stationed forever,
On a far distant rock
In the midst of the sea."
After I reinstall, my iteration of Photoshop is so going on here. *sigh*
  • Current Music
    Unknown Artist - rats (gold-lowpass)
bleeding, Ryoko


It's an evening. I'm lonely. I'm clearly put together backwards socially. I don't know how to seek out social contact, it seems, and my methods brand me a loser by the all-knowing social god that would be a certain sister-type person. (She was talking about someone else, but I can see when a shoe fits...) It would be one thing if I were entirely happy staying home when I'm not at work or school or other scheduled events or running errands. It's another when I'm not and I don't know how to fix it. And the worst part is, when I get this lonely, I can't just randomly head out with someone, or go somewhere strange, because all my barriers are down and the only people I trust to deal with me when I'm all barrier-down are elusive. (For the record: that would be Darkside and ralmathon who have been tested and are good at that in person.)

I'm not good at social rules. Staying in Friday night makes one a loser? Not in my world. Staying in when you don't want to on Friday night does suck, though. Or, rather, staying in on the night before the day when I don't have anything in particular to do, because I'll be working Saturdays again.

I can't chalk it up to Asperger's, because I haven't got my mind arranged that way. (Though anyone who says that someone with Asperger's has not got a sense of humor needs to really have their understanding corrected. Someone whose brain is arranged that way may not find some of the stupid shit that you think is funny to actually be funny, but saying that they don't have a sense of humor is like saying that Mr. Spock hasn't got a sense of humor. (Which he so does. He's just the straight man.) It's just a lot more subtle, and a lot less inclined towards stupid shit.) I just wasn't raised steeped in the rules, so of course I haven't picked half of them up.

  • I could give somewhat less than a half-eaten rat's ass whether or not I'm supposed to wear white during a certain season of the year.

  • Anything that's not "what I already own and/or want to wear right now" is a costume for me. This includes stockings, ties, and women's formal wear.

  • Do you call the guy after a date? How the fuck am I supposed to know?

  • How do you pick up on the fact that some people you like to hang out with don't want to hang with you?

  • When is it polite to try and get included in group social events? And how?

  • How do you convey that just because you're broke and have no transportation and have a nasty schedule to keep to, you still want to be included? Even if you're going to have to decline more than half the time?

  • How do you avoid starting a row with a mutual friend of someone who you're not speaking with online anymore, and how do you make it known that even though you're not speaking online, you are perfectly OK being in the same room with them?

  • How do you get a best friend that you see on a weekly or more often basis (who isn't your cat)?

  • How do you start talking to your roommates again?

  • When did you start talking more with the kid like he was an adult than with the roommates?

  • Will the cat ever start talking back, and will I be certifiable at that point?

Wasn't I supposed to angst over these things when I was a teenager?
  • Current Mood
bleeding, Ryoko

Dreams: Things burning.

I crashed out early-ish for me, and declined to read the third Keeper book because it was too late.

Of course, then idiot me failed to activate the alarm clock.

So I dreamed, all night, of things burning.

Well, it didn't start out that way. There was this funeral? Something? and I was there, and I was being quiet out in the garden... And then Darkside showed up, and I was riding with him, and his father was doing serious backseat driving. We went to a little shop and there was an argument with the person running it over stuff.

But before that, there was some sort of School for the Gifted, and machines that we would plug into, and how the machines could make anything, and we had them making pizza. It was cross between xd38 and joinmycult in organized form and the Brainspa (link will be offtopic in a week or less) and then stuff happened and we left. I got the impression of hordes with torches somewhere down the road.

The argument with the shopkeeper was over what had been ordered, and I was trying to stay out of it. Darkside's car was new and shiny, but this was evidently plates put over the old one, and that figured in the argument that he and his father were having.

Then there was a jumble sale at Hogwarts, and I was looking over the nail polish (freaky nail polish, of course) and cool things of the sort that appeal to kind of raver/goth teenage types, and I was going over my budget, and I had almost decided on something when we got the news that Hogwarts was on fire, and we were to all immediately go in and help retrieve stuff for evacuation before it was too late.

I stayed out, looking over the nail polish.

People went in, and came back out, and suddenly there was a great hue and cry, and Dumbledore was ordering everyone back NOW! and Hogwarts was definitively on fire.

I sat down and started to cry.

We were supposed to all grab what stuff we had and start walking, then, as fast as we reasonably could, down the road, towards safety of some kind. The road was wooded (it seemed to be a road near my virtual grandma's, and Hogwarts had been where her house was, and the jumble sale in or near the chicken house) and I was worried about safety. There were cats about, and they were heading off with the great herd of students.

Then I woke up.
teddyborg, geeky

Useful Phrases in German:

"Ich hatte mehr angst fuer mein Komputer dann fuer mein Fuss!!" -- Diane Duane, here.

If you have also fallen and slipped on ice whilst carrying your laptop, you may share this sentiment.