April 8th, 2005

bondmates, sigil

Hope Transfusion

I balled up tighter on the couch.

"Let me show you that you're loved," he said. "Open your heart and feel what I'm feeling. You don't have to be strong, now. Just feel."

So, through the near-tears that stiffened my muscles and greyed out all the rest of my emotions, I collapsed and just listened with my heart.

And as he held me ever so tightly and gently, a wonderful warm feeling came through me, and instead of pushing it away, I allowed it to come closer and closer, and take up space inside me like a yellow velour balloon being slowly inflated.

And I let my mind drift into it. I wasn't sure I was myself anymore, after that, and I said so. "Focus on one moment when you were you so very strongly that there was room for nothing else," he said. And I looked through my mind for one moment when I was me. I wasn't sure I could find one, but I finally did. It was nothing spectacular, just a quiet moment with a friend. I re-lived that moment, and felt the clammy smoke-blue inside my head warm with sunlight. I felt my face against a warm arm; I felt a glowstick in my fingers. I smiled, and moved deeper into the memory. I felt the game controller in my hands, and the love for the woman snuggled up against me in my heart, though I resisted the urge to reach out and stroke her hair. Hope and certainty were back, as if they'd never disappeared.

Always make a backup, lest crucial things get overwritten or destroyed. When he had no hope, I gave him mine. When I lost my hope, he gave mine right back to me.

Note: link contains advertisement; advertisement contains scary amounts of John Cleese.
  • Current Mood
    I am a child of God
exhausted, tired, Azzsleep

Yay and Suck

The Yay: I am about an hour and a half of work at the computer away from finishing the first draft of cuttingrmfloor. After that, I just have to go back through and make the blamed thing internally consistent.

The Suck: stewed potatoes do not freeze well in large chunks; they retain taste, but not texture. I am vexed.

I shall have soup anyway.
  • Current Music
    "Build me up, Buttercup" in my head (and I know why. "You never call baby, when you say you will, bu
wild rose

The eagle flies with the dove

When you can't be with the one you love, you might as well love the one you're with, especially if the one you love shows approaching zero indication that they want to be the one you're with, and especially if the one you're with is worthy of your love.

Then, of course, the one you're with becomes one of those you love, especially if you're not looking while it happens. But are they ever the actual one you fell for to start with? No, never. Can you love them as much? Maybe. It depends. Do you love them the same way? Never. They're different people.

But what happens to the one you love while you're busy loving the one you're with? Can you still devote the time it takes to try and get there to be with them? Can you maintain what relationship you do have with them? Would they resent the fact that you've started to love the one you're with?

Tricky stuff, this love business.
  • Current Music
    a song in my head. Guess which one.
bondmates, sigil


Sometimes I envy people who are wired sufficiently monogamously that they have no chance of falling in love with a second person while they're in love with someone. It still takes time, effort, and attention to maintain the relationship and the love with the person you're in love with, but that's life.

The thing that I dislike most about being able to love so much is when I start to try to love people who are utterly inappropriate for me to love -- not just people who I'm not able to date, but people who are such that I know that loving them will cause me untold grief, yet I still want to love them and get emotionally involved with them.

It would be nice to be able to say, "I love ____, so I can't love anyone else right now. Dance card full. Go away." Not often, but just when needed. I can say that to them, no problem. The trick would be saying it to myself.

Inspired by a post and my comments in same
  • Current Mood
    envious envious
Raven, Eris, kallisti, shiny

Unitarian Jihad

My Unitarian Jihad Name is:
Sister Neutron Bomb of Looking at All Sides of the Question.

Get yours.

This one's been making the rounds, and I must say that I like the article. I would probably make a good Unitarian, all things considered. I was raised in a secular Quaker household, which meant that while I didn't get a heavy dose of the Jesus-stuff, I did get a lot of simplicity and tolerance and kindness. Trying to get a Barbie (plastic, overmarketed, not conducive to serious creativity) meant an uphill battle both ways in the snow. Expressing an interest in building things resulted in a good-quality kid-sized tool set, and parental help at not hammering little fingers too hard. The worst trouble I ever got in as a kid was for slapping my sister. I liked the format of Meeting, with a silent meeting where you sat and were quiet unless you were moved to speak. (I wound up there only rarely, but I liked it when I did go.) I liked the idea that you should come up with your own ideas about how things worked.

I'm rather randomly pagan at the moment; I'm definitively not Wiccan, because garnetdagger (who's my more spiritual side to begin with) is not half gentle enough to qualify. (For that matter, she's also non-gentle enough to get me lovingly pointed out the error of our ways by any given Meeting group.) Of animal spirits, Raven's the one who I was raised with and who keeps a watch out for me, but Chameleon has lately cocked at least one eye in my direction. Of deities, Eris has an interest in me (representative of the Trickster & Stirring Shit Up coalition), and Aphrodite has an interest in me. I have a general idea that they map, respectively, to the Ladies Bright and Dark who I've been at least vaguely aware of since my teenage years.

I have yet to figure out where, exactly, I'm to wind up devoting myself, but ... the Unitarians have good logic. Even if there are evidently notable instances of Internal Wank.
phone, cordless phone

Work-fu: awesomeness, followed by actual real work

Yesterday, I got a nicely-printed card-thing declaring that I was awesome. Specifically, I was one of the top producers for the first quarter, and next week, I would be eligible to park in one of the five designated incentive winner parking spots.

I'd known that my supervisory and monitoring experience had made me better on the phones, but I hadn't expected to be within what looks to have been the top ten producers (going on logic: it's the second week of the second quarter, and they'll work their way down from the top, and there are only five parking spots, so if this is the second week, I'm in the top 10). I'm impressed!

I've been a phone goon for the past little while, and I've been feeling perhaps somewhat under-appreciated, except that there are a lot of us who are doing that, but I haven't been in the communication loop. Fortunately, the communication is getting fixed, and the College Chick Shift Ops Super came over to tell me that I'm doing check-in tomorrow. Yay check-in!!

I like having friends from work who I'm friends with outside of work. I really do.
"That innocent look doesn't look any more innocent on you than it does on me." -- me to Figment
  • Current Music
    Figment on the other end of the phone