February 24th, 2006

bleeding, Ryoko

The sorts of things I do when I'm essentially stuck at home...

Yesterday and today are sick days. PMS is hitting with a vengeance. I am hoping that the actual 'M' part shows up damn soon. I have been at home (though I went out yesterday for black cohosh, St. John's Wort, carrots, and a cellphone earpiece that maybe WORKS on the way back) feeling like I'm about to kill something. Realized on the way back that some combination of effects were making me unsafe for freeway driving, so got off and went the hell home on surface streets at a sane speed with the windows WIDE open.

(After looking in detail through the other ingredients ... lobelia. It's the only one of the lot with any reported narcotic effect, and damn if that didn't feel quite exactly, though to a lesser degree, than those narcotic pain meds from the nasty shoulder strain/inflammation. That puts this, and anything else containing lobelia/eyebright/Indian tobacco, at least in concentrations near, equal, or greater than 150mg/dose on my "Do not drive within five hours after taking" list.)

So. Doing Support. Working on the dudes and putting them in the mood theme, with the eventual intent to migrate the pics over to LJ hosting and package up a command console script for others to borrow them. Not much actual writing. Not much actual reading. There has been sleep. I have Not Been Feeling Good.
  • Current Music
    "crying in the rain" in my head
exhausted, tired, Azzsleep

I have been sucking at subjects lately.

Ninja saves (when no one else is looking)

Quantum computing. Good way to make a Lunatic grin and get a headache at the same time.

40 Palm Beach County voting machines. OMG tech terror.

Herbal emmenagogues. A cranky Lunatic's best friend. (Looks like we'll be doing some parsley shopping. I hate the suspense the worst.)

dduane: "My name iz pastede on [wrong] yay!!!"

Contact form for the South Dakota governor.
  • Current Mood
    blah blah
trust, best friends forever, snot-nosed brats

Things what get dug out of the mental basement

onyxrising went through a rather extreme change or two by abandoning all the former trappings of personality and moving out of state. I did something reasonably similar, though perhaps not as extreme. (People who have known me since forever still recognize me. I've known him since 2000-ish, and there's a lot that's the same about him at the core, though the mannerisms may have jumped around a lot.)

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By that timeline, prior to moving to Arizona, the last baseline instance of happy/healthy Lunatic was June-August 1995, at CTY. Summer 1997 was decent, the school year of 1997-1998 was decent but odd, and summer 1998 was decent but scary. I don't count those so much as healthy times because they were in the near-direct influence of Shawn, who is actively bad for me in large doses. (The best dose of Shawn for me is often nearly homeopathic in size.)

By the time I got to Arizona, I very much didn't like myself. I was unwarrantably cranky, hostile, violent, obnoxious, resentful, depressive, passive-aggressive, and agreed 100% with those nasty little "Husbands suck because ________" / "can't live with 'em, can't get away with shooting them" / "I hate men enough to be a lesbian if only I didn't like cock" forwarded e-mails. (People like tygerr were not hated because they were enough not like "men" to be practically honorary women. And River. And ... you see how these things work, yeah?)

My home life was not good. Smoking roommates are not good for the girl with lung problems and allergies. I felt that I was in a religiously hostile environment, because my then-fiance was a pontificating ass and the Elder Roommate was just plain clueless, and I wasn't in a position to attempt to educate someone ten years my senior who had a smarter-than-thou attitude to boot.

I was a mess.
Hello, Darkside.

In none-too-short order, I picked up the idea that this guy was a good friend to have. As we spent more time together, I discovered that above and beyond me chilling out and being happy around friends, I was pulling my usual stunt of turning chameleon: I was being a person he could be friends with while I was around him.

Ordinarily, my chameleon abilities give me distinct pause. I don't always want to be the kind of person who should be friends with the kind of people I'm spending time with, if I'm spending time with shady or seedy people, witness the effects on me around Shawn. But. "The only way out is up." I ordinarily didn't like myself at all. I would have avoided myself if I'd ever met my exact clone with a duplicate of my personality. But I liked myself around Darkside. The feeling was novel. I embraced it. "Last time your heart broke, it didn't heal straight. So I'm breaking it again."

I couldn't be around him 24/7, as much as I would have wanted to. I decided that I had to start changing my personality, to consciously be that same person all the time, no matter what, instead of just in his company. So I commenced. Little by little, I changed. He helped me and guided me, pointed out when I was making changes that were damaging me, and observed with pleasure the process of me growing a mind of my own and the spine to go with it.

He could have guided me into becoming his shadow, as I'd become Shawn's, as I'd become BJ's. And he may well have. But what he desired in a shadow was a strong, independent woman. There are not many to whom I'd throw over all authority to make decisions for me. He's taken the authority over me that I gave to him, and handed it right back to me, to do with myself as I Will.
  • Current Mood
    loved loved