February 25th, 2006

bleeding, Ryoko


Some bad places going on right now. Am taking careful care.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
trust, best friends forever, snot-nosed brats

Sync or swim...

(expanded from commentary elsejournal) So how do you deal with the difference in friendship maintenance needs? From my outside perspective, it seems like (as in many Darkside-related matters) you just suck it up and deal, but you aren't happy about it.

Friendship-maintenance social time is a reality that's been causing grief between Darkside and me for a while. We'd go out of our way to see each other twice yearly on his friendship maintenance schedule if it were up to him. We'd see each other at least weekly if it were up to me. And even though I know he cares about me -- I'd really like it better if he suggested an alternate time and activity that would be acceptable to him if my initial suggestion was not right for him, rather than just declining.

If he were anyone else, I possibly would have either walked away by now, or let his maintenance schedule set the pace. If he'd been someone else, the calls from me would have continued faithfully for a while, but then one of those months when he had something scheduled every day of every weekend, I'd have one day forgotten to call, and then another, and another, until months had gone by before I'd thought to contact him on a day I knew would work for both of us to talk. There's nothing new about that pattern for either of us. He learned to short-circuit the lingering months of missing people you'll like as not hear from ever again. If you know already that they'll never call back, why bother calling them? A few moments of contact a year, any time that you happen to think of them -- around a holiday, maybe -- it'll be fun to hear how they're doing again.

I have friends like that too. I don't think I've spoken to Ginger in over five years. The next time we run into each other, we'll be ever so happy -- but we won't go out of our way. She's not part of my daily life anymore. But it was a bitter fight, being used to her being gone...

I've learned how to take it, just as he did. So much of the time, there is really no choice. But is that really so? How much determination does it take to keep shouting into that void until long after you're sure there will be no response, ever? When do you fold yourself quietly back and decide that it's best to quit while ahead, and you don't want to actually lose the friend from being too pushy and obnoxious?

With anyone else, I'd have backed off long ago and let him set our pace. But somewhere along the line, he let me know enough about him to know where to see what is behind the mask. And what was behind the mask told me that as I loved him, I would never let go -- I would never abandon our friendship now that he'd invested so much of his scarce hope in it. There were many times when I reached out and called into the darkness. I could have let go. But since his friendship maintenance module is very, very broken and I know it (I apportion a large share of the blame for the initial damage to the US Army), I do this frantic jig around the safe parameters of stretching his limits and the safe parameters of stretching mine. Each time he delays, he stretches me a little. Each time I insist, I stretch him.

I know that if I did go with his maintenance schedule willingly and without a fight, he would be hurt beyond all belief. Somewhere along the line our friendship became a vocation that I pour myself endlessly into. He rebuilt me step by step. Can I do less for him?

I really want to meet the person who taught him to believe that to be strong, he had to pretend he didn't care.
  • Current Mood
    determined determined
running, bomb tech

I shall now sum up a whole pantload of inspirational e-mails.

Most people do have "that friend" who sends them around. And, well, yeah. These were impeccably timed for me, but I refuse on general principle to do the spammy e-mail forward thing. Welcome to LJ, where the cut tag is my friend, and the scroll button is yours if these are not for you today.

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  2. A cunning manual counter in the subject line of the e-mail indicates how many people have said this prayer, added one to the number, and forwarded it before it got to you! [prayer is sized h1]

    It is a day, I am alive, and I have the use of my body and mind. There are so many blessings I have. Even though I screw up.
    Keep me safe and give my attitude a kick in the arse, because I could use it. Help me clear my mind so I can hear it when the Universe talks to me. Help me be accepting of the stuff that comes my way, rather than cranky about it like I am usually. If I don't have any control over it, what am I doing angsting, huh?

    Even when I can't put my thoughts into coherent order, I know that the Universe listens and knows what I really do want. I am a tool in the hands of the Universe, and wish to continue that way. I do good works for others without even knowing how much good I do, and I want to keep on with the doing that. I can be strong for others. I have words of encouragement -- may they be the right ones. The lost, confused, and misunderstood are in my thoughts. Those who can't, don't, or won't listen to the subtle whispering of the Universe -- sucks to be them, hope they figure it out soon. And am I ever glad I do listen to that. A'tha is an immense part of my life. Everyone should have peace, love, joy, and understanding of the Universe.

    And ... PASS IT ON! [Enjoy some broken HTML! And ... message repeats. Except not with h1. Here's the public key of someone, I have no idea who! Message repeats again! Complete with public key. Wow, we're all kinds of blessed today. And again. Wow, this was forwarded a lot.]

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  4. *nudge* Guardian angels come in unlikely forms; one of the more likely is that of your friends. And looks like I'm deputized to inform y'all that there is at least one good thing coming your way today. [Cunningly illustrated with a photo of a sleeping baby wearing a crown of rosebuds.]

  5. A conversation between this dude and God:
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  6. Seminary school. Teacher has everyone draw pictures of people who have pissed them off recently, post them on the corkboard, and throw darts. Class has delightful and slightly dangerous moment of catharsis. Teacher takes down pictures, takes down covering on corkboard, and reveals what was posted behind -- yeah, you guessed it! Lesson from Matthew 25:40 slammed home unforgettably.
    [Message that follows was phrased in a gratingly religious fashion, vs. an upliftingly religious one. The burden of which was "Stop laughing at those really dreadful shows on TV and then wondering why the kids are emulating those same lousy shows. And one of the greatest evils is those who say they believe and then act like utter asshats in the name of what they 'believe'. Don't be invisible. Be a force for good."]
silly, bunny ears

... and it settles home again.

Two minutes on the phone with Darkside. Waiting that extra few seconds after the "Working," is almost always worth it. Gives us both a chance to connect. Gives him a chance to vent briefly.

Bond's been flickering in and out. Hoping it'll stay on. We're of the needing it right now.
  • Current Mood
    touched touched