November 25th, 2006

running, bomb tech

Uncomfortable Realizations.

I found the power cable for my external HD! It was within 4 feet of where I thought it was, but not the same 4 feet as I was searching in. It blended in with the cable spaghetti.

I just got introduced to the concept of "limerence". Please pardon me while my brain takes a few days' hiatus. This word has been around since at least 1979. If it had been told to me in 1990, it still would not have been soon enough to explain to me what I was going through. I have been in a near-continuous state of limerence since 1986. I had been thinking that I might have experienced it prior to that, but my memories of my emotional state are not as clear as they could be from my preschool days, and I can't recall if things were like that then. It was so with the Entertainer. It definitely was that way with Kermit. Between Kermit and proto-Darkside, there was insanity and irregularity, but there was always something. Proto-Darkside, the young man who looks virtually identical to Darkside if you compare high school pictures, was a bizarre case. Then there was pyrogenic, and then Shawn. After Shawn was more insanity, and while I was still feeling limerent at the time, it was not a stable situation. I learned to identify that things that did not persist were not "real"; things that did persist, were real. I realized the fact that if at any point I became convinced that there was no hope, and remained convinced so, the limerence would cease within a few months. And then there was the Weird Pagan Shit and Darkside. And despite the other stuff going on, I'm all lit up for him.

I'm too tired to process. I just know that my life would have been so much easier to cope with if I'd only known.