The first part of my list.
Going through looking for the actual suggested SMTP responses in LOLCAT, not the silly web responses like 403.2 Not Recommended, led me to compile some of the ones that were missing; this installment is because I'd rather not have it kicking around in a text file forever and I have to shut the computer down to head out.
- Not allowed to let the call queue get a comma in it, just to see what would happen.
- Not allowed to hold a "beauty pageant" by getting the names of the other team sharing our building on third shift, looking them up in the employee directory, and voting on who looks the nicest in their employee picture.
- Not allowed to send back the customer's email corrected for spelling or grammar. Sending it back with corrections for technical accuracy is fine.
- The 2nd shift supervisor is not allowed to play MMMBOP where anyone else can hear it.
- Not allowed to chuck a cold turkey at a jet engine, to see if it will mess up the jet engine. Leave this to the Mythbusters.
- Not allowed to ask the customer if we've met on the internet before, even though I see ONTD open in two tabs on her screenshot.
- Not allowed to point out the inherent contradiction to a customer who is claiming to have awesome web design skills on their website, which has broken CSS.
- Not allowed to tell the guy who is hosting the entire immigration database for his country(!) in a secondary directory of some low-rent hosting that he should really get a private server. Am allowed to tell him that he shouldn't include the username and password in the email he sends us.
- Cannot agree with the customer who calls the WYSIWYG website application "a bad dream and a virus all rolled into one", no matter how much I want to.
- Not allowed to attempt to look for a good time on 220.127.116.11
- Wherever I send a customer that our department cannot help, it had better not involve a handbasket.
- Allowed to assign sarcastic names to canned responses in Clippings. Not allowed to ever reveal said names to customers who are getting the canned responses. (One of the best: "Our website doesn't like you very much either.")
- Not allowed to watch the video of the helicopter dick while at work.
- Not allowed to mock the plight of the customer whose secretary registered his domain and has all the information for it, but the secretary is now in prison and not available for communication, and the domain's owner-authenticating information is therefore unavailable.
- When the team lead says "Numbers", this means that they are about to announce our stats, and not a request for us to start telling them arbitrary numbers, and the coolest arbitrary number will not win any kind of prize, no matter how cool it is nor no matter how many digits of pi I have memorized.
- Not allowed to get into a fight with an autoresponder.
- Not allowed to attempt to duplicate Han Solo frozen in carbonite with the 2nd shift supervisor.