Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

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"How to be really, really nasty with self-defence", by wiseheron

So, we were talking about how to be safe at night when female and walking alone... and wiseheron spoke up...
when I was a teenager there was a guy in my neighborhood who was retired on disability, he'd lost part of his arm. He'd never tell me what he did for a living prior, because he would have had to kill me (I'm not sure if he was joking or what) but he did offer to teach me self defense, because he noticed I got picked on a lot.

This stuff is pretty gross, but it's better than rape or worse anyday. First lesson is, your attacker doesn't give a shit about your welfare, for you to win and survive you can't give a shit about his.

Did you know the average 10 year old child can rip the ear off the side of a man's head? It's only held on by a small amount of cartlidge and skin. If you get a good grip and throw your weight into it. The same goes for the lower lip, if you can get a good hold on it.

Ramming your fingers up someones nose hard and fast will usually blind them for several minutes.

Thumb jabs into the underside of the jaw (practice by poking around on your own for tender spots) into the eye sockets, the esopoghus, and under the armpit in towards the chest cavity are incredibly painful and will usually catch an attacker by surprise enough that you can then get another dirty blow.

Don't jab car keys or pens at someone's face, that's what is expected, go for the collarbone or thier crotch. A pen or a set of keys wedged like brass knuckles in your hand is a mighty weapon indeed.

A lighter and a can of hairspray makes a damn good flamethrower.

A ball bat with nails duct taped to it makes the worlds best kick ass mace. (though that one the cops may give you the hairy eye for carrying) One look at it though is usually enough to deter pretty much any attacker. If you are crazy enough to carry something like that around...odds are you aren't a good victim.

stun guns are good, cattle prods are better.

A potter's wire is discreet and deadly.(It's a piece of wire strung between two small wood handles, used to slice a wheel thrown pot off a pottery wheel, but it also makes a hell of a garrote) There are a number of other pottery tools that look like hideous instruments of torture. Pulling one out can definitely give some asshole a pause.

Smile. Smile like you are going to rip the fucker's internal organs out and eat them in alphabetical order and enjoy it. Maybe even suggest that's what your going to do, and start reciting internal organs in alphabetical order. If you aren't sure you can stop them physically, fuck with thier mind. Laugh.
Most people don't want to handle someone whose obviously a raving psychotic.

And above all, if you can, do scream like hell. Many people find they can't scream when something like this happens, Roy took his pupils down to the hoosier national forest and had us wander around, he would occasionally pop out and grab someone by the shoulders or thier hair and scare the shit out of them so that we could practice the concept of screaming bloody murder at an instant's notice. Keep in mind that nowadays, you hear little kids screaming all the time, because thier parents don't teach them that certain types of screaming is reserved for "bad situations" not playing. So it's best to scream, fire, rape, get off me you fucking asshole....anything is good.

that concludes todays lesson of how to become a psycho in 3 seconds or less when attacked. You may all go home now.

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