Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic
azurelunatic

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Love and Sex

I feel like such an asshole.

I want to have sex with Adam. Making out heavily and having an extensive love life at 3rd base is wonderful.

Monday he had to look up the technical definition of "virgin" to make sure he was one still. (Votania says that from her point of view, if there are orgasms happening, there is no longer virginity involved.) According to him he still is; there has to be penetration in order for him to no longer being a virgin.

I'm a moody bitch, and I'm pitching a fucking temper tantrum because I may not ethically beg Adam to have sex with me. He told me his position flat out, and I will not lower myself to saying "Please, break your morals and fuck me." That would be rude. Inappropriate.

I can still want it, though. I can't do anything about it. I can whine and say "I want it I want it I want it!" but I can't ask Adam "Could you please have sex with me?"

It hurts every time Darkside has to re-affirm that he'll never date me or have sex with me or marry me. I asked him to date me once in January. He dated Votania instead. I told him I loved him once (I think in May) after he and Votania had broken up. We talked about it more on the phone later. He told me he wasn't available and wasn't interested. In a dream that immediately followed, we talked more yet, and he asked me to give him the six months to heal. So I did.

I gave him my heart on paper that day, six months to the day after Votania broke up with him. I don't know if he lost it, threw it away, kept it somewhere...

That was my last serious advance on him. I will never again ask him to be with me as more than a friend and brother as anything other than a joke.

(...it hurts...)

I have to keep smiling at him, or he'll see how I feel, and he'll say something that I already knew, something I don't need to hear again. We had a moment like that today. A.K. came up as I was chatting with Darkside. Darkside was in class, seated in a desk, and I was comfortably and sensibly perched on the floor.

Apparently I was down on one knee proposing to him, and his posture said he was thinking about it.

No. No, there would be no thinking about it. The answer is no.

Actually, Darkside said, there was reason for thinking should I propose. Should he make it gentle on me, his rejection, or should he make it absolutely plain to me that the answer was NO, as it always was and always will be...?

I didn't cry then. I laughed, smiled, ignored it, for the most part.

I remember, Darkside. When you say things that important, I don't tend to forget them. Why try to get me to cry again?

My hands hurt. I don't sparkle blue dots of energy off my head anymore when I'm upset and stressed. It all balls up in my hands and almost overloads. My hands hurt from it -- from crying, from intense sexual pleasure, from gods know what. When there's an energy build-up in my hands, the bones ache.

I want you to share my bed, Darkside. I would love to go to sleep next to you every night, to see your scruffy face and receding hairline in the morning. I want to relax with my head against your chest and feel you breathe, tune my heart to yours.... I want backrubs. I want long hours of quiet and significant talk, and I want physical contact.

Even though Raven has my heart, the long-term bonding section at least, the romantic variety....

....Darkside?

thank the gods I've got Nephew to live for now.

*sigh*

Darkside? Do you know why I'm crying?
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