Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic


It's easy for me to say now that my parents were the cool parents.

Back then, I was terrified that my father might kill me, literally kill me, if I went over the line, and I wasn't quite sure where the line was, but I knew it had to be somewhere before me getting pregnant.

I'm 23, and I can laugh at 15-year-old self, virgin, wondering if she would have to run away if she got pregnant, because her father would kill her, literally, and her mother wouldn't stop him. It was hyperbole, in my journal, but that's how 15 year olds are. And how 10 year olds are. And, probably, how 23 year olds are. But I believed every word of it, otherwise I wouldn't have written it.

My father is a Quaker. My father is a pacifist. My father was distraught at having to put down a goose. My father killed a few barnyard animals for food and put out rattraps for squirrels, but never did go hunting. My father loves me, and adores children. And I was mortally terrified that if I got pregnant, I would die.


Our fears shape us, even if they're only ghosts after we pass through them. Perspective.

What works for one, what doesn't work for another. An Alpha memorizing by rote. A Rho left to figure out things on their own. An Alpha figuring out things independantly. A Rho secure in memorized routine. CITs don't come pre-sorted.

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