Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic


It's been hitting me hard ever since the 21st when Darkside saw Votania again. He saw her and the bottom dropped out of his world again.

It's been over eight months. Eight months, ten days. Eleven, if you consider that it's the 27th today, early in the morning.

Every time Darkside sees Votania, it's like they just broke up again. The wound is still fresh. He's bleeding inside, and he tries to ignore it. It's when he sees her again that he realizes just how much it's supposed to hurt, just how much he needs her. He's dying by inches, emotionally, and he knows it, and he can't see how to stop it.

I can't kiss it and make it better. The one time I kissed him, I made it ever so much worse. I can't try anymore. I don't want to finally kill him.

He'd never die of his own accord, of course. He's too smart for that, too strong, too stubborn. If he keeps bleeding energy like that, feeling the misery, he's going to wind up hurt, crippled, insane.

There's nothing I can do to stop him.

It's like listening to Shawn kill himself over the phone, knowing that if I were there, I could haul his ass to the hospital, get the professionals to help.

I didn't know that that's what I was feeling Friday morning, of course. I just was suddenly overwhelmed by a sadness, an upsetness, a "things are not right with the world-ness". I had to put my face down and hold my head with my hands for long, long moments. I didn't know where it was coming from, why it was coming, I just knew that something was dreadfully wrong, and beyond my power to fix. The sun had gone out.

I didn't know I was still able to feel him that strongly. I guess that the level of link we've got never dies, doesn't go away ... just only shows up at certain moments like that.

I was incapacitated. His emotions overwhelmed me. It's not supposed to do that. I'm supposed to be able to handle anything that doesn't originate directly from me. I'm supposed to be strong and capable and deal out hugs.

It just felt like my own emotions, turned on me for no reason at all, weeping about something not in my power to change.

I eat breakfast with him every morning, and I smile at his jokes, because they make me laugh. I'm there as a friend.

I guess that's all I can be.

does he know that his not loving me feels as horrid as Votania's not loving him? does he even care?
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