http://www.livejournal.com/users/dorktowerfeed/27585.html
http://www.livejournal.com/users/sinfestfeed/78377.html
http://www.livejournal.com/users/foxtrot_feed/81623.html
http://www.livejournal.com/users/calnhobbes/80225.html
http://www.livejournal.com/users/dilbert_feed/82238.html

My Onion horoscopes:
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You never thought smoking in the forest endangered you, but that was before an angry Smokey decided to stop fucking around about the fire-prevention thing.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You have a right to be happy, but that might not outweigh the feelings of the dozens who so enjoy your misery.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Uninvolved bystanders will witness your crime, but due to its graphic nature, they can no longer be considered "innocent."