My Onion horoscopes:
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You never thought smoking in the forest endangered you, but that was before an angry Smokey decided to stop fucking around about the fire-prevention thing.
Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You have a right to be happy, but that might not outweigh the feelings of the dozens who so enjoy your misery.
Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Uninvolved bystanders will witness your crime, but due to its graphic nature, they can no longer be considered "innocent."