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My Onion horoscopes:
Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You never thought smoking in the forest endangered you, but that was before an angry Smokey decided to stop fucking around about the fire-prevention thing.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
You have a right to be happy, but that might not outweigh the feelings of the dozens who so enjoy your misery.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Uninvolved bystanders will witness your crime, but due to its graphic nature, they can no longer be considered "innocent."
Gone away, gone ahead,
Echoes roll unanswered.
Empty, open, dusty, dead.
Why have all the Weyrfolk fled?

Where have dragons gone together
Leaving weyrs to wind and weather,
Setting herdbeasts free of tether;
Gone, our safeguards, gone, but whither?

Have they flown to some new weyr
Where cruel Threads some others fear?
Are they worlds away from here?
Why, oh why the empty weyr?

-- "The Question Song", Anne McCaffrey
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