In other news, I'm finally getting to shuffle the files off Tigereye and into temp storage on Sorcha. Of course, I can't say as I'm doing this quickly, because of that whole thing where I have to read things as I go through them. There are a lot of locked files that I'll have to read after I've WordPerfect installed again, but there are a lot of unlocked files that I've been reading, which is why the whole schmear isn't already transferred.
With LJ, I forget how easy it is for me to lose my past. Just by reading myself at 2000, I gain experience, maturity. I integrate the past selves into me. Reclaiming Shanna. Reclaiming Marah. Re-learning Joan-prime-who-was.
And there were some things I'd forgotten. BJ, for all his other flaws, dealing with me in full-on panic crisis, keeping me from cutting. (Of course, what did he do to prevent the crisis before it happened, I ask myself with perfect cynicism.)
There's only so tight that you can compress history. There are only so many ways to distill the knowledge that you got into something your mind can handle all at once before it moves on to the next thing. Is eternity really something we want that badly? The fractals and I say yes.
I'm remembering my beloved through another woman's eyes. They had a different kind of ease between them, the guarded ease of new friends, the easy intimacy of Kit and Nita mind-to-mind when it was all fresh and new. She did not know how dear he'd become later. He did not know how close she'd insist on getting. They did not know that they'd keep in contact four years later...
I named us different names, then. We were not weighted down by history. Can he and I re-learn the steps? O, Michael, angel of fire... I don't think we get that back, not after we've seen into the basement of each other's minds, and we know the dirt and grime and things that the world doesn't see.