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It's an evening. I'm lonely. I'm clearly put together backwards socially. I don't know how to seek out social contact, it seems, and my methods brand me a loser by the all-knowing social god that would be a certain sister-type person. (She was talking about someone else, but I can see when a shoe fits...) It would be one thing if I were entirely happy staying home when I'm not at work or school or other scheduled events or running errands. It's another when I'm not and I don't know how to fix it. And the worst part is, when I get this lonely, I can't just randomly head out with someone, or go somewhere strange, because all my barriers are down and the only people I trust to deal with me when I'm all barrier-down are elusive. (For the record: that would be Darkside and ralmathon who have been tested and are good at that in person.)

I'm not good at social rules. Staying in Friday night makes one a loser? Not in my world. Staying in when you don't want to on Friday night does suck, though. Or, rather, staying in on the night before the day when I don't have anything in particular to do, because I'll be working Saturdays again.

I can't chalk it up to Asperger's, because I haven't got my mind arranged that way. (Though anyone who says that someone with Asperger's has not got a sense of humor needs to really have their understanding corrected. Someone whose brain is arranged that way may not find some of the stupid shit that you think is funny to actually be funny, but saying that they don't have a sense of humor is like saying that Mr. Spock hasn't got a sense of humor. (Which he so does. He's just the straight man.) It's just a lot more subtle, and a lot less inclined towards stupid shit.) I just wasn't raised steeped in the rules, so of course I haven't picked half of them up.

  • I could give somewhat less than a half-eaten rat's ass whether or not I'm supposed to wear white during a certain season of the year.

  • Anything that's not "what I already own and/or want to wear right now" is a costume for me. This includes stockings, ties, and women's formal wear.

  • Do you call the guy after a date? How the fuck am I supposed to know?

  • How do you pick up on the fact that some people you like to hang out with don't want to hang with you?

  • When is it polite to try and get included in group social events? And how?

  • How do you convey that just because you're broke and have no transportation and have a nasty schedule to keep to, you still want to be included? Even if you're going to have to decline more than half the time?

  • How do you avoid starting a row with a mutual friend of someone who you're not speaking with online anymore, and how do you make it known that even though you're not speaking online, you are perfectly OK being in the same room with them?

  • How do you get a best friend that you see on a weekly or more often basis (who isn't your cat)?

  • How do you start talking to your roommates again?

  • When did you start talking more with the kid like he was an adult than with the roommates?

  • Will the cat ever start talking back, and will I be certifiable at that point?

Wasn't I supposed to angst over these things when I was a teenager?
Gone away, gone ahead,
Echoes roll unanswered.
Empty, open, dusty, dead.
Why have all the Weyrfolk fled?

Where have dragons gone together
Leaving weyrs to wind and weather,
Setting herdbeasts free of tether;
Gone, our safeguards, gone, but whither?

Have they flown to some new weyr
Where cruel Threads some others fear?
Are they worlds away from here?
Why, oh why the empty weyr?

-- "The Question Song", Anne McCaffrey
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