Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

Interesting Things: neophobe/neophile, anatomy of a panic attack crisis, and change.

Well, the Interesting Things seem to be tapering off. The reality of the current guests in my headspace is settling in nicely, and now that terminology is in place, it's back to feeling like It's Always Been Like This, which it really has.

I'm weird. I'm somewhat of a conservative neophile who doesn't do well with change. Contradiction in terms, much? I want the tried and true for myself with the shiniest new stuff to play with as well. It's getting me to make the switch between things that's the bitch. Unless I can bring with me all the comforts I have set up for myself, I don't want to hear of it.

I had a freakish panic attack last night. This may or may not be related -- somehow I think it both is and isn't. On the bottom level, it isn't. There I was, sitting merrily by myself thinking about things, and all of a sudden it was as if the bottom had dropped out of my mind. Imagine the shallows at a beach, with warm bright water and soft sand underfood just within toe's reach and wide-open spaces -- suddenly replaced by a cold deep well with stormy water and slick rock sides that break clawing fingernails and shred fingertips, and you can't climb up and you can't get out and if you stop struggling for an instant you'll drown, and you know you're making it worse by thrashing, but you can't get anywhere and you won't move and you hurt yourself on the walls by lashing out but if you stop moving you'll go down under that charcoal matte frothed water and you can't get out.

It's perhaps worse when you've healed your mind enough so that these attacks are few and far between. If you're living every day under the battleship-grey banner of long-term depression, the contrast isn't so vivid. The change between adrift in a stormy sea with no land in sight and nothing to cling to and the poorly-lit well is a small one, and sometimes abject misery can be relieved, somewhat, by a sudden struggle between life and death with one's mind as the battleground, oneself the sole chosen champion. But when life is decent, and the moments that aren't an extreme of any emotion are a vague contentment and sense of well-being, it's a rude shock to suddenly find oneself in the midst of a mental battle that could well prove fatal.

I survived, of course. I always have, so far. (My monthly battle with the Lone Power? "Greeting and defiance -- I bleed at thee!"?) But I hate not knowing what's going to trigger it off each time.

I suspect what triggered it off this time was part of the changes. It sucks that I have been making some assumptions about myself based on outdated information, and I'm almost scared to find out what else has been going on behind my back that I haven't noticed as far as my brain is concerned. Where my eyes don't go...

Sometimes I think that when things change for me, they have to change slowly and gently, or the change won't take.

Then I think that sometimes that when things change for me, they may change and I may refuse to notice the change until it's big enough, too big to be ignored, or presented to me in a drastic enough manner that I'll have to notice it and remember it.

The candle, I think, will be lit tonight.
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