Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

The E-Bay Highlights: SCA Boots of Pain

(via one of my new pals, whose name escapes the tired foggy brain)

SCA Boots of Pain Handmade by an idiot

The story:

After a soggy wet Lilies war last year. I decided that it would be good to have new pair of boots. I wanted boots I could fight in, and that would last a long time. So I bought some 9-10 oz natural tan leather, the same stuff you might make armor from, and set out to make myself a pair of boots. I got the boots done, and they fit too tight.

So my buddy Aidon and I went to the local leather shop to try to find some sort of leather lotion or softener. The guy sold me some stuff called “saddle butter”, he said it would make them all soft and comfy and they would break in well. “just use a heat gun to warm them up and paint this stuff on them.” Great! So I go home, I don’t have a heat gun so I fire up the kitchen oven and warm up the boots. I start taking glops of this saddle butter and rubbing it into the boots. The smell was very familiar but did not register with me right at first. All done! The boots are very soft and floppy. So I put them out on the counter to dry. I come back 30 minutes later and they are hard as a rock. I look at the label on the saddle butter. “Bee’s wax, Carnauba wax, Paraffin wax…” F#ckin great! I just Cuir Bouilli my boots. So now they are still too tight, and they are hard as a f#ckin rock. I try to force them on with a shoe horn. I try to grease my foot with vegetable oil. I can barely get them on, but they are so tight they hurt. I try walking around the block a few time to see if that helps but to no avail.

So I call my Dad. Dad says to take rubbing alcohol and water 1:1 and rub them inside the boots and put them on. That will stretch them out to fit. So I mix up the boot stretch cocktail and, being a little impatient, I rub it all over the boots inside and out. Then shoe horn them back on. I get about five steps before the sensation of a burning fiery agony reaches my lizard brain. Unknown to me at that time I had rubbed an open blister on the top of my fourth toe in the vegetable oil attempt to stretch them out. Now the alcohol was hitting open nerves. Screaming in agony, I drop to the floor, and try to pull the boots of pain off my feet. They wont give, they stretched just enough to get a good suction and weren’t going anywhere. My buddy Aidon was there for this entire ordeal, but can’t help me because he’s incapacitated with laughter. “get them off! Get them off!” I scream. He grabs my right foot and pulls on the boot. Pulls hard enough that he pulls me down the hall way of my house. My shirt rolls up and the carpet puts a long red burn across the small of my back. He still can’t get the boot off, so he tries to put his foot on something to lend leverage so he can pull harder. Unfortunately, the item he chooses to brace against was my groin. So now I’ve got a 300 pound dude standing on my nutz while my foot is on fire. Suddenly the boot comes free. Aidon is sent sprawling backward and I’m just glad he’s not standing on my junk anymore. Then I hear that tell-tale dull thud. The sort of dull thud that drywall make when a 300 pound dude knocks a hole in it the size of his back. I look up, Aidon is holding the boot still, and “sitting” in the hole he created in my wall.

O-Kay… Here’s the deal.

This auction is for this particular pair of cursed SCA boots of pain. I’m never making another pair of these again. I’m not in the business of selling boots. I just want these gone.

*I wear a size 11 Wide (EEEE). And they fit really tight. Someone who is a size 10.5 could probably break them in.
*9-10 oz natural tan leather.
*Dyed Oxblood Red
*Cuir Bouilli and distressed with alcohol
*Crepe sole

I’ll ship them UPS, unless you live in Calontir and want to meet me at an event for handoff.

Comments for this post were disabled by the author