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I asked Darkside if I should give him some warning the next time I have a breakdown. He decided that he'd rather not, because then he'd wonder how I was getting my inside information on what the future held.

Thing is, I plan the timing of my breakdowns carefully, when it's at all possible to.

That's one of the advantages of being a system. If it had been very urgent that we needed to be fully functional, I could have gone inside and Dagger could have come out, or Naomi perhaps could have come out, because she's getting very mature and responsible. (Incidentally, I have the feeling that Dagger and Naomi are getting ready to merge soonish, because that's the way things go. It's odd not having a little around anymore. Even though she's younger than body-age, she doesn't count as a little.) But it was "safe" to go blooey, so, blooey we went.

Factors leading up to the going blooey:

  • My roommates have broken up.
  • Sis and the LF have relocated for the week (until Marx moves), and did so without giving me any warning.
  • Marx has been stressy, sad, and packing.
  • Bitchy Witchy Week.
  • Working loooong hours at work.
  • I don't know what my next week's schedule is going to be, and it's almost Sunday. Do I work on Monday? I don't know yet.
  • I hadn't taken any St. John's Wort this past week at all (due to the one bottle running out and me not really knowing where the new bottle had gotten off to) which is definitely a step down from 900mg/day.
  • I've been sick.
  • I've been Marx's crying shoulder this week, a clergy-call that I'm not sure I was prepared to take.
  • I was trying to do one damn thing today that I've needed to do for a year, and I missed the eye doctor by fifteen fucking minutes, and if I'd only disregarded my personal happiness, health, and road-safety, I could have gotten it done.
  • Marx drives me nuts at the best of times. This is not the best of times.

I can hold a potential breakdown off for a good long time if it's not safe to break down. It's part of the Vulcan training: it's not suppression of emotions, nor is it eradication. It's mastery, and part of mastery is learning when it is and when it isn't safe to indulge in the expression of any given emotion. For all I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm decent at acting normally when I absolutely have to.

Lately, I've been noting that when I'm alone, it's no longer safe for me to break down, so I have to hold it off until I'm in trustworthy company. "Trustworthy company" varies radically from situation to situation, of course. Sometimes Sis is, sometimes she isn't. Sometimes only Darkside and my Priestess-Confessor (or maybe my big bro) are safe. There are some people who aren't safe. There are some people who are never trustworthy enough to cry around, not even with tears of joy.
Gone away, gone ahead,
Echoes roll unanswered.
Empty, open, dusty, dead.
Why have all the Weyrfolk fled?

Where have dragons gone together
Leaving weyrs to wind and weather,
Setting herdbeasts free of tether;
Gone, our safeguards, gone, but whither?

Have they flown to some new weyr
Where cruel Threads some others fear?
Are they worlds away from here?
Why, oh why the empty weyr?

-- "The Question Song", Anne McCaffrey
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