Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

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Uncommon sense and the bond

Common sense says that I should have given Darkside the kiss-off and the "If you want us to just be friends, then friends is all we'll ever be" speech back in 2001 (either May or October, depending), and probably started drifting away from him (because it takes a certain magnetism to hold me to him).

Uncommon sense says that so long as I love him and he cares as fiercely as he does for me, then we're to cling together as stubbornly as only the two of us can, because we still haven't finished learning each other and ourselves deeper than our own mothers know us.

On this one, I have to choose uncommon sense, because uncommon sense also tells me that following common sense's advice would leave us both not just wounded and bleeding, but crippled. Not just me. Him, too.

Leaving aside that I don't want to cripple myself, I could never do that to him, not without a really damn good reason to. Somewhere in the wide galaxy, there have to be circumstances that could make me decide that deserting Darkside and leaving him in the limbo of my absence would be better than the infelicitous second alternative offered, and I pray that we'll never be faced with any of them. As it is, the mere fact that while I'm bonded this tightly, I cannot form other romantic attachments, is not worth the trouble it would cause us both for me to detach.

It's amazing, all the attention I have to give to other things, now that it's not consumed with contemplating the marriage prospects of males I come to know casually. Who knew that thinking about men like that was such a resource hog? It makes me a lot calmer, a lot happier.

If I hadn't discovered, four years ago, that I liked the person I was around him better than I liked the person I was around other people, I wouldn't be me today. I liked the person I was around him so much better that I became her full-time. I haven't regretted that decision.

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