Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic
azurelunatic

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Butterb33r. I ramble on about the current pseudo-romantic situation.

Having carefully determined that I have no responsibilities other than "being around" tomorrow and the rest of tonight, I'm having some of (my style) butterbeer. In this case, "butterbeer" is served cold, and consists of a can of cream soda liberally laced with buttershots.

I don't think I shall get pissed enough to do anything truly irresponsible, but I think I am already intoxicated enough that I shan't be able to reliably find my feet by the time I finish this cup of butterbeer.

Keep in mind that I don't drink often, so that when I do have one shot of something approximately 30 proof, it affects me strongly and directly.

So I'm drunk enough to want to give details on what the fuck's going on with my love life, because it seems to be confusing the ever-loving merry hell out of pretty much everyone who tries to hold still long enough for me to explain it.

First, the players:
Bondmate #1: Darkside, my best friend, the man I've been in love with since 2001, the man I intend to marry if he'll have me. The Maniac. My Blonder Half.
Bondmate #2: Mr. Shallow. Earned the nickname "Mr. Shallow" because he's theoretically only interested in dating model-material girls, and doesn't want to get serious until he's old enough to settle down. A good friend, and very protective of me. Darkside knows him and approves of him as far as someone I could date, because Darkside trusts Mr. Shallow to treat me properly. I could have been very happy with Mr. Shallow if only I'd never met Darkside.
Bondmate #3: Figment. My Evil Twin. New to the group. Hasn't met either Darkside or Mr. Shallow yet.
Me: The Lunatic. Bonded to three men, loves all three of them. Utterly nuts.

I love Darkside with all my heart and I would like to marry him, if he ever agrees that this would be a good thing. I adore him, and I can always reach out and feel how he's warm and breathing and present in my mind. Even though he's a brat and a difficult man, I'm eternally loyal to him because he's earned my love and respect. There are certain things that you can't go through without coming out the other side attached, and Darkside and I have gone through some of those things. There is no force that I know of that could pry us apart, and I don't wish to challenge the universe to try and provide one. Despite the flaws that people will insist on pointing out in him, I can't imagine myself finding a better-suited mate -- but for the one little detail, the detail that Darkside has not acknowledged any feelings that he might have for me. Until he acknowledges any feelings he may have for me, he and I can go no further than we have already gone. I have already repeatedly stated my position ("I love you") to him, and it is now his move, lest I wind up turning into a freaky stalker chick. As I have no desire to repeat the bad parts of my high school years, he and I are best friends, and I am attempting to not tell him that when he walks into the room, the light in my heart flares up from banked coals into fresh flame, and when he walks out, I carry the light he's left with me all day, because he wouldn't appreciate hearing it yet again. He's not currently involved with anyone, nor does he appear to have any interest in dating again any time soon. His mother is getting mildly concerned over this, and has lately taken to blatantly shoving him at me. He seems to be oblivious to these transparent ploys to get us alone together. When I'm left too long without him, I begin to develop the sort of pain that results when a limb or vital organ goes missing. I have heard speculation and evidence that I am exactly as good for him as he is for me, and the thought cheers me, for he is very good for me indeed. While he is inclined to not pursue old friendships that have become geographically inconvenient, and is extremely disinclined to be sociable, for me he has made all sorts of exceptions to his usual rules about letting people close and spending any significant amount of time maintaining a friendship. His ex-girlfriend was very surprised to hear that he and I would routinely talk for over ten minutes on the phone, let alone for upwards of an hour.

I play with Mr. Shallow and Figment, on occasion. Mr. Shallow and I have been known to get very passionately involved, but while there's undeniable chemistry, Mr. Shallow doesn't want things to get any further than some torrid necking. Mr. Shallow approves of Darkside, though he does think that Darkside's head is up his ass on more than one topic. I can't say that I disagree with Mr. Shallow's assessment of Darkside, though I must add that Darkside is also capable of being a sweet, loving, caring man.

Figment is the new element in all this. Figment's Mormon. Actively Mormon. This may seem like somewhat of a contradiction, given what-all the man's interested in, but he's found a way to reconcile his unique viewpoint on the world with his religion. His faith is a central part in his life, and is as basic to him as my love for Darkside is for me. Any attempt to divide him from his faith, or get him to compromise his principles, would pull the rug out from under his mind and send his entire household scattering worse than Mona post-Shawn. (Note for readers unfamiliar with the reference: it would destroy him to the point where death would be kinder.) Figment is in mourning for his wife. His wife died November 2004. Figment is also my evil twin. He and I are enough alike that sometimes we have to check who's who. We're currently sharing brainspace. He was attempting to help me deal with that which was breaking my brain, and wound up bonded to me. For my part, I felt the unconnected bond as painful shortly after he and I met; the idea of bonding with him has been haunting me since before his wife died, and I'd been attempting to deny it, because it would have been extremely rude to bond that closely with a monogamously married man. Since the bond is still settling in, Figment and I have been doing a considerable amount of experimentation, both mundane and arcane, to figure out the parameters of the thing. Part of this is some mutual physical and emotional comfort, mostly manifesting itself as us holding hands and hugging most of the time we're within range of each other, and extending to perhaps more than that when we're in private (or are convinced we are). Figment can feel every bit of how much I'm in love with Darkside, and he has decided to join forces with me and assist in getting me set up with Darkside. At one point in the recent past, he entertained the idea of converting me to his religion so that a serious relationship might be possible to develop, but the idea was abandoned. After underhearing exactly how much the absence of Darkside hurts me on a daily basis, he bumped up priority on the matchmaking project. Figment and I share a social group and a workplace. Our social group cares about both of us, and thinks that we're both horribly cute when working together, and also knows that we're both consenting adults, so what we consent to between the two of us is between him, me, our concerned friends, and his church. We maintain utter professionalism at work, and think it a grand joke that we can be so very efficient at work while re-defining "off-task" outside of work (though there are very amusing work-related conversations that wind up happening outside of work, conversations that are made more hilarious when they're interspersed with whispering and giggling).

Currently, Figment thinks well of Darkside. Mr. Shallow would like to meet Figment to make sure that Figment is an appropriate person for me to be involved with. Darkside and Mr. Shallow like, trust, and respect each other. Darkside appears upset over my involvement with Figment. I am upset that Darkside is upset, and I am actively looking for some form of resolution to the situation.

My current plan of action is to point out to Darkside that he was very upset when I brought up the topic of Figment, and to ask if he could possibly let me know what about the situation was upsetting to him.

I am not angry that Darkside is acting somewhat petty over the Figment situation. I feel that he's fully justified in being upset if he cares for me and suddenly there's another man getting very close to me. I don't think that it's inappropriate that he be disturbed rather than 100% supportive of this new bonding of mine. I know that Darkside would never do anything to destabilize something that is important/crucial to me, and while I would like Darkside to like Figment as much as I do, I have the sneaking suspicion that until Darkside is reassured of his standing as compared to Figment's, that he's going to be feeling insecure.

I do think that if I'm going to prioritize the men in my life appropriately, and Darkside feels that he should have a priority higher than Figment's, Darkside had bloody well better articulate how he feels so that I'll be able to understand it, rather than having to guess and check. I'm perfectly willing to put Darkside first, now and forever. But in order to give that to him, I would want that he would verbally confirm that he would please like me to do this. I am willing to ask if he wants this. I am willing to give him this, from now until forever. But unless he confirms that he would like for me to put him first, or at least to give him priority where reasonable, I can't feel obligated to do so. The fact that I've been generally doing so without such an obligation is fairly irrelevant.

It makes such sense in my head. While there was no one in my life even approaching the importance of Darkside, it was very easy to put him first always over other outsiders. But now that there is another high-energy bondmate in my life, a bondmate with more demonstrated need, it is easy for me to put Bondmate #3's need over Bondmate #1's unofficial priority, although if it came down to both of these bondmates demonstrating equal need, Bondmate #1 still has priority because I choose it so. But it makes a difference whether Darkside would actually like to have priority. Not whether he thinks he deserves it, but if he actually desires it. If he does not desire it, it makes no sense for me to go out of my way to give to him what he does not want. But if he does desire it, then I desire to give it to him.
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