Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic
azurelunatic

Wherein I explain, or at least try to sum up.

Dear Misty,

The reason why I was babbling on and on about Darkside when you were grilling me about my intentions toward your husband -- I can't separate the two issues in my mind. They're linked. Were there no Darkside in my life, my intentions toward your husband -- well, go check a few universes over, the one where L's already married elsewhere. I'm not sure how well they're going to work out, my analog and your husband's, but they love each other fiercely, and that and the bond may well be enough.

There's a hole in my mind, see, a hole where I need a lifemate, a primary magical partner, a best friend, and all of the above may or may not be combined in the same person, but all of the above must be bonded to me, and must be not only bonded, but bondmates. I don't know all of Darkside's issues, and this isn't the place to air those of them I do know, but there are places where he's either unsuited or skittish or just not ready. Your husband is twin to me, and we've bonded so strong and fast that it scares all of us. I was fighting the bond, before. You asked if it was not the crisis that made us bond. That wasn't quite it. The crisis was the trigger that overrode my fight. It forced the issue. I don't think we'd have bonded so hard and so fast without a crisis to make it snap down that tight.

If Darkside were more present, more active, more physically with me, it would not be an issue. But he isn't. I've already made my choice, and it's one that shreds me, because while I'm four women at once, I'm only one body, and I can't divide myself up to take care of all of the people in my life. I've really got to meet L, because I get the feeling that she and I had better hit it off fast to balance the situation. Once I get to know her to trust her to handle my Evil Twin with the love he needs, I can start handing over pieces of the day-to-day care & management of your dear Figment over to her, so the transition's smooth for everyone. Fact is, your Figment needs a wife, if only a semi-wife, and right now, while I know that you and D know that L loves our Figment as much as we do, she's got enough as it is to take care of herself without taking care of him too, and you know that more so than I do.

Figment and I are meant to be family. We're meant to be friends so close that it would take the proverbial crowbar to pry us apart. We're meant to be professional partners so smoothly-linked that it would take another bondmate to tell the two of us apart, to show the shifts in control where we toss things off to each other. Your husband's inner cleric has reached through my soul and out the other side to convey a blessing where it was needed, and I don't mind saying that the sensation was weird.

Darkside and I are friends that close, but not twins. There are gaping gaps between us in the places that Figment and I were cloned of the same rib. Our communication is spottier, our bond is rustier, and we haven't seen each other in person in over a month. I love him, and I have chosen him, and I shall keep choosing him, and he is my best friend. He has the capability to be a professional partner of the same consummate skill as your husband has, and as good a match or better.

Why do I keep going on about how Darkside ought to be all this but he isn't? Thing is, if he were in my life as much as I know he could be, possibly even should be, he and I would be full partners. We'd be magical partners. We'd be better friends than we are. And I can exist without active, passionate love in my life if I have enough close friendship and enough of my other needs being met. If your husband and I had met when Darkside was an active physical presence in my day-to-day life, I think the bond could have completed upon the meeting, and would have expanded carefully and gradually until it was just as deep as it needed to be, and no more. There's this huge gaping hole in my life where Darkside ought to be, and he isn't. And since he hasn't been all the way there for a good long time, the universe has been looking at me, and saying, "You need to get this fixed, you know." And Darkside hasn't been entirely cooperating (he's got his own holes that need fixing), and the universe said, "Fine. If he won't do, we'll find someone else."

And, well, they found your husband.

So currently, he and I are working to make sure that the bond with Darkside starts living up to its potential. This is difficult, because the guy's stubborn, but ... we're doing our best. (I hope.)

*sigh*

Why didn't we get to know each other earlier?
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