Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The mummified middle finger of Galileo's right hand is on display at a museum in Florence, Italy. I propose that you regard it as your sacred power object in the coming week. May it inspire you to flip the bird at everyone who crosses you. APRIL FOOL! While I do think you should derive inspiration from Galileo's middle finger, you should do so only at truly important moments. Not to express road rage, for God's sake; not to express disdain toward loudmouths using cell phones. Please, Taurus, flip a metaphorical bird only to protest the kind of high-level idiocy Galileo had to endure when the Church persecuted him for proving that the Earth revolves around the sun.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)That, and I've got friends who tell me when something is smelling more and more like Cthulhu's old Tupperware in the state of Denmark. I'm still on-edge.
To quote Malcolm X, you've been hoodwinked. You've been had. You've been lead astray. You've been bamboozled. Wake up and smell the deceit before it's too late, Gemini. APRIL FOOL! What I just said is a complete lie. Here's your real horoscope: You're actually very well-armed against illusion and delusion. At no other time in your life have you been less likely to get fooled or ripped off or manipulated. You have a sixth sense that allows you to sniff out hidden agendas that simmer beneath the official stories. This wonderful development is the result of your growing determination to be honest with yourself.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)Listen, twit. Listen to your own motherfucking intuition for once.
Several New Age futurists have predicted that the U.S. will someday have a Secretary of Prophecy, a cabinet-level official who uses shamanic insight to counsel the President on the health of the nation's soul. Personally, though, I can't imagine it will happen any time soon. And that's too bad, because I'm perfect for the job. My psychic powers are growing, as are my political skills, my practical compassion, and my vision of how to do what's best for the most people. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just bragged about is as much true about you as it is about me. We Crabs are in an astrological phase when many of us are becoming better equipped to serve as intuitive advisers to the powers-that-be. In fact, I suggest you start pushing for more responsibility and clout.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)Gee, that reminds me of a discussion we just had...
More than half of the people polled say they would keep their jobs if they won the lottery. You yourself may have to make that decision soon, Sagittarius. Will being a millionaire cause you to completely renounce your current way of life? I hope not. APRIL FOOL! I am NOT, in fact, predicting you will win the lottery. However, it's quite possible that you'll be blessed with some other stroke of luck that will tempt you to leave behind familiar things that helped put you where you are today. Be thoughtful about how you navigate your way through the changes caused by your good fortune.