Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

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Lunatic Psychology: Aversion/Addiction

I came to the conclusion that my aversion against even trying to start online gaming with Darkside for social time with him is related to my aversion against cigarettes.

The thing is, I have an easily addicted personality. I am one of the sorts of people who can be exposed to something once and then latch on far too hard for my own good, especially in nastily irrational ways. I'd perhaps more accurately call myself prone to obsession, because the last time I was prescribed a hard drug (some random narcotic), the things it did to my brain scared me so much that I opted to use tamer substances to deal with the pain, even if they weren't as effective.

But that's the thing. I want to avoid things that I know will be bad for me. So when I think about the concept of trying a thing that I know will be bad for me, and I get the feeling that I would like it, perhaps like it too much, if I tried it, my mind pulls out the Fayoumis Stubbornness and says, "No. You will not try that. You will pitch a screaming five-year-old temper tantrum and embarrass yourself in public rather than try it if someone pushes the issue."

So I've never smoked a cigarette, not even just to try and see what it's like, because I know they are dreadfully bad for the health, and they have known addictive chemicals. I'm afraid if I try just one, I'll be hooked, or the door to being hooked would be opened. Just one could turn into just one every time someone offers one and I'm stressed, and I know when I get stressed, I get stressed a LOT, and I cling to the things that can relieve my stress. And that could lead to full-fledged addiction. rosalynde got hooked that way, and she's enough of me so that when something happens to her, it can happen to me too. Without knowing anyone who's actually died from lung cancer or other cigarette-related illness, I'm so revolted by the concept of cigarettes that I cannot even monitor a survey that is about awareness of cigarette advertising without wanting to puke. It's purely psychological and now I know why.

Similarly, I surprised myself by the vehemence with which I rejected Figment's suggestion that I play online games with Darkside to socialize. I have to restrain myself from getting hooked on online gaming, especially online gaming with Darkside, because any game that involves wrist strain from mouse-clicking is something that I cannot ever afford to play more than once in a while recreationally. I need my wrists. Writing is my life. I cannot put my life on the line over an addiction. Ever.

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