Fwd: Guide Dog Aunt sends me these.

10 Euphemisms for "Your Zipper is Down..."

10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped...

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

We've seen on cartoons and comedy shows how that when someone gets a black eye, they put a piece of raw steak on it. That treatment may seem rather primitive, and frankly it is. Scientific studies have proven that while in fact the application of a meat substance helps to reduce the swelling and aids in the healing process, using a cold steak actually prolongs the recovery of the broken blood vessels which cause the black and blue marks around the eyes. Further research has shown that the application of a warmer, softer and more tender meat is the most effective in helping the eyes to recover from the damage.
See the recommended procedure below...

[below: a photo of a man applying his package to the eyes of a giggling woman.]

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the rear are permanent.