Gah. Bad hardware is no good. At least one of my hardware choices today was good! I will now be able to hear things from the computer. My hardware choice in the way of visual devices will lead to me marching back to Fry's Electronics and saying that actually, said device did NOT meet my needs, i.e., it suxx0rs, which I should have known before I got it, but I was dumber than a very dumb thing.
Keeping the original packaging on hand isn't a half-bad plan either. Yay, me.