Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

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A whole big lot of nothing

Which describes how you're feeling all the time.

I've known since I was somewhere between fourteen and sixteen that I'm simply far too intense for the average person to be courted by me. I communicate like a firehose, and in the terms of most sane people, that's called obsession and is scary, and I should stop that before someone gets hurt.

And I've tried. Gods know I've tried. The best thing I managed to do happened sometime after the fiasco with Darkside's logical predecessor, where I banned my brain from ever staying interested in someone who wasn't broadcasting the "Hi, I think I might dig you" signal. The trouble with that, of course, is that if someone's genuinely Not Interested on any level, the crush'll drop off fast, but if they're putting their mouth somewhere that their undermind isn't, i.e., broadcasting "I think I actually do dig you!" but saying, "Nah, I don't dig you in the slightest," I'll stay hooked until something else makes me drop off. Can we begin to list the ways in which this bites?

It's something I deal with. It's something I have to deal with. I've tried to get that one worked around too, but there doesn't seem to be a safe way to fix it that I can find. (I've tried unsafe ways of fixing it before, most of which caused Darkside to sit me down and tell me that whatever I'd done to my brain, I needed to undo it Right Now, plzkthx, or he'd smack me into undoing it because he wasn't about to allow his friends to do things like that to themselves.)

And it sometimes seems like the people who can handle the full intensity of my romantic attention are not the ones who I want, and this leads to angst, and to fucking people who I don't love as much as I love others who are of lesser tolerance for firehose-Lunatic-in-love. And to crying on the spiffy crisp white shirts of very concerned Figments. Exhausted Lunatic, the human hosepipe, but not because my boyfriend was killed by Death Eaters, just because I can't seem to date the guy I love first above all others.

Most of Figment's cunning plans to get Darkside together with me do not count upon the fact that Darkside is wary of Lunatics in love. It frustrates the fuck out of me when Figment declares that what Darkside and I really need is just some regular time together spent hanging out ... as if it's some huge insight and I should be similarly delighted that such an insight's been had, and having the insight will cure everything that's wrong. It's actually the case that I've been trying to get a regular appointment for hanging out with Darkside scheduled since forever, and Darkside's always been too busy... *sigh*

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