Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

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Tech Support Moments with the Lunatic and V-the-Non-Technical

I am preparing my old laptop for V's use on the road. We started discussing the technical issues involved in getting it set up. V is so very non-technical, I have to fish around for appropriately quirky mnemonics to help her remember crucial issues.

"Will I be able to use this computer on the internet connection at the cat house?" (V is cat-sitting for some friends.)
"What kind of internet connection is it?" (trying to figure out if there are any arcane username/password concoctions that we won't know...)
"I ... think it's DSL?"
(Trying to figure if it's something arcane that requires juggling and more knowledge of secret stuff I don't know) "Um. What cords are plugged into it?"
"Two phone cords."
"Two phone cords? ... Is one of the phone cords wider than the other?"
"They look the same width. ... One's thin, your normal phone cord, the other one's fat and round."
"Could you unplug the fat round one and look at how many little dents it has in the plug end?"
"Like the wires? I see ... a white one, an orange one, a white one, a blue one, a white one, a green one, and a white one. That's seven."
"That's ... actually not a phone cord."
"The plug does look wider than a normal phone cord, yeah."
"It's a special kind of cord called a 'cat-5' cable. ... Normal phone cords can only take one cat chewing on them. A cat-5 cable is big enough, it could take five cats chewing on it at once."
(after the snickering died down) "Sort of like a three dog night. Can't I just call it a phone cord?"
"No. That will confuse other geeks very badly."
"So I have to call it a five cat cord."
"Close enough."

The laptop in question has two card slots, stacked one on top of the other so that unless the cards do not have lumpy things sticking out of the top of them, only one card at a time can be actually used. I was trying and failing to explain this, then I remembered that V is a sex educator.
"When something big is in it, you can't do double penetration unless the other thing is very small."
"So I can't have five cat cord and wireless at the same time?"
"Actually, you can; I got you a wireless thing that plugs in somewhere else completely. Like oral sex."

I dug around in my hardware stash and found the extra battery and the PC card extra slot protector (a null piece of plastic that went in to keep dust out).
"Hey! I found Tigereye's butt plug!"

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