Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

Life & Love & Lack Thereof

Bit sad right now. No particular reason. Seems like all of my single guy-friends are named David or have David somewhere in their names, or at least have their names start with a D. Well, one exception, but he might as well still be taken.

Not that I care anymore.

Dennis is right. All the single girls out there are in love with somebody, and they'll grouch about it to anyone who will listen, including the single guys who'd be more than happy to date them.

I'm a responsible, well-educated young woman who ought to have more on her mind than sex and dating. Right? Right? So then why am I so bitter about the whole thing? I had my chance to end the whole damn game and get married and never have to worry another day in my life about someone to go to sleep next to, who'd kiss me goodnight and love me forever.

So what do I do? The instant I start learning a little more about myself, like who the hell I actually am, I dump him after realizing that the me I thought I was really wasn't me anymore. I dump him in hopes of dating one of the two perfect gentlemen in the world. Of course, he chooses my sister rather than me, and I don't really blame him. Seems like guys who date me get dumped, shredded, heartbroken, and end up wishing they hadn't. I'm saner than I used to be, but tell that to the guys I've scared off within the last couple months.

He was hoping I'd be attractive. I'm still not sure what he thought of me physically. He was hoping we'd hit it off. I'm a little too religious for him. He was hoping we'd have compatible personalities. All of my personalities liked him. That was a little too scary for him.

Since then, of course, I seem to have lost them, but that begs the question, what the hell happened to them? Multiples don't just disappear like that, do they?

Well, no, not normally. But then I've never been normal. Multiples usually show up thanks to some huge childhood trauma. Mine showed up because I was bored in Biology class and started writing notes to myself. Turned out that no one in high school wanted to see me as I really was, so I made up some false faces for myself and wore those. Came to be that it was easier to maintain myself as a mishmash of multiples than to try and have one coherent personality, though there was a primary.

Then I hit college (for the second time) and found for the first time friends who cared about me no matter who I was. My others began getting more time out, and as time progressed it turned out that more than one of me could be out at once. So at one point I tried to bring everyone out at once while meditating upon the Hermit card from the Tarot deck....

It took a few days to fully integrate the fragments, but here I am.
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