Azure Jane Lunatic (azurelunatic) wrote,
Azure Jane Lunatic

OMG RACECAR BLING BLING: letters to the workplace (from last night).

Dear Atkins-craze:

Next time, let's try more with the actual low-carb sweets that you can actually give to diabetics, and less with the "OMG SUGAR ALCOHOL DOESN'T COUNT!!1!!11!", okay?

she who is really trying hard to be monogamous right now

Dear new hires,

Sooner or later, you'll either learn the ways of the workplace or quit. Right?

your not-quite-so-immediate supervisor

Dear Lunatic,

Tomorrow, remember the Halloween candy. Oh, and remember to take home your gummy eyeballs.


Dear Meta-Man,

Good on you wearing that striped tie today! Comic Pirate Super, the guy who decided you looked like Dilbert, just about died. Also, very nice job fiddling with the tie and holding it so the end flipped up.


Dear Office,

Whose cracktastic idea was it to make Saturday a 10-hour shift for phone goons until further notice? There will be rioting in the streets, spitballs in the areas, absences, people complaining like wind-up monkeys at me (like I have anything to do with the schedule), and lots of paperwork. Oh, and quit with the 50,000,000,000 memos I have to hand around, eh? Everyone hates it.

Polite businesslike closing,
Ms. A. Lunatic
Actual Job Title
(602) XXX-XXXX

Dear IT Department,

You're busy. I know that. We all know that. We've been seeing more IT Guys than we can shake a stick at, some who don't generally come out of their holes after 5pm and aren't seen before that, and you're all running around like fire ants on caffeine. But would it kill you to fix some of the computers in the interviewing area, given that they don't fix themselves and the phone goons aren't going to have anywhere to sit if the computers keep going down and not getting fixed? Seriously, it's been two weeks since the last computer repair in these parts, and it's getting a little dire. Granted, some of the problems are things like "Smartass switched key caps on command keys. Dumbass couldn't log in with ctrl + alt + del because it was actually alt + windows key + del that they were pushing." And I can fix those. And I can reboot things. But I can't restore a corrupted or missing system file on a work machine, and I'd get seriously canned for attempting to crack a case to try and repair or replace a "not found" CPU fan. So I think both you and the office will know what I mean when I say, "I understand your department has been very busy lately; what is the estimated time of repair for these issues?"

Your department exists to support my department, not the other way around,
the geek out front

Dear Tasty-Looking Co-Worker

Understand that chocolate from me means "You're delicious, and if I weren't taken and you weren't celibate, I'd so do you." At least when I'm giving it to you. Sorry about the carbohydrates.

love Regards,

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